Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!  Be safe out there.  And if you are in SF, there should be fireworks tonight.

MIA

Sorry, I've been MIA. I think I have the flu. I've been canceling on guys and many want to meet even though I have the flu?  I said no to all.

Merry Christmas

For those of you who celebrate, Merry Christmas!  For those of you who don't, enjoy not dealing with crazy relatives, LOL

Ready For Holiday Travel

Getting ready for holiday travel.  For those of you traveling, good luck, may the force be with you, and hope it goes smoothly!

Pouring Out

It's been pouring out here in SF.  As I result, I don't look my best (soaked jeans, ugly rain coat, broken umbrella, wet hair, skipped mascara and makeup in general, et al).  The most fascinating part of all this?  More men have been approaching me.

Tinder Response

I've noticed tinder response drop offs as being quite high.  I will take a lot of the responsibility for this, it could be somewhat of a deterrent for those communicating with me because I check it once a week...  However, if he was very interested, this probably wouldn't be a deterrent.

First Tinder Date

Had my first tinder date last night.  We met for a drink.  I shut it down at the hour mark.  We had a nice conversation, however, he liked to argue (red flag for me) and even more important, I didn't find him attractive.

Ghosting Thoughts

NYT has talked about ghosting a lot. This is the most recent thing I read.  It talks about what goes through a woman's head when she thinks she's being ghosted.  I think some readers can relate?  My two cents, if he ghosts, he doesn't deserve to be thought about.

Family Time

I saw family over the weekend.  It was a great time!  We reminisced, ate, and laughed. I should see family more frequently.

SF Chivalry

I've been traveling to New York a lot.  And compared to NY, SF chivalry is nonexistent.  I've heard many West Coasters talk about how New Yorkers are rude.  I disagree.  I have countless stories of able bodied SF men not giving up their Muni seats for the elderly, very pregnant women, et al.  The NYC I saw, did not have this problem on the subway.  Men were even offering me their seats just because.  I've had countless SF men practically push me over to get through an open door.  In NY, I've had countless doors opened for me.  Chivalry may not be important to everyone, but it is to me.

Disqualified Men Season

I mentioned this before and it's increased...it's disqualified men season!  This guy basically told me off for not replying fast enough and kept asking me if I was interested in him. He sent me a "How are you?" text today.  Not replying.  This guy has been texting me for months and I haven't replied (mainly because I keep forgetting, which says I'm not very interested).  I'll think about meeting him again because he was nice and maybe didn't stop talking because he was nervous?  Someone from July 2013 (who I never met up with) also texted me.  It was a text I'd expect to get from a friend - "Hey, how's your week going?"

Another Tinder Bust

Another Tinder bust.  I've met 0 people in person from Tinder.  So, this guy asked me out to dinner.  I said yes.  Then he called me 24x in two days.  I didn't even count how many texts he sent.  I do remember him saying, "I think you're the one."  Needless to say, I did not go to dinner with him.

Unmatching

I've been trying to log into my tinder account more frequently.  I matched with one guy and he sent me a message.  I replied.  Then he sent me a lot more messages.

• What are you doing?
• Tell me more about yourself
• What do you do for a living?
• Where are you?
• Why is it showing me that you are hundreds of miles away?
• What do you think of tinder?
• And many more

I'm unmatching him.  Perhaps he's bored?  His questions are irritating because he could find out all these answers if he asked me to meet up.  I don't need a pen pal.

It Happened Again

It happened again!  A guy emailed me and then six hours later he sent me another email asking me if I got the first one and asking me why I haven't replied yet.  It's been six hours.  Have some patience.  I planned to reply and now I don't plan on replying...ever.

That's What You Get!

Several guys I've dated, gone on a few dates with, et al have been reaching out to me over the last month.  Smart Guy, The Brain, Valley Guy, and more.  Guess they should've thought about their behavior before I disqualified them.  That's what you get!  Perhaps they are contacting me because it's the holiday season, it's cold out, they've finally got their nerve, they're bored, or it's finally occurred to them that I'm a catch.  Don't care why, they were all disqualified years ago.  I will not reply to any of them.  Them contacting me makes me laugh for a minute; you snooze, you lose.  I'd rather spend the rest of my life happily single than unhappily attached, especially to any of them.  I do not have a fear being alone.

The Best Way To Get Over Someone

I've heard the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  No, I don't practice this.  I do go on many many dates very soon after the end of a relationship.  Even if these dates are boring and awkward, it's nice to know there are many other fish in the sea.  Fortunately, none of the dates I've been on recently have been terrible.  However, I have gone out with guys who can't seem to stop talking and babble endlessly.

So, if you are having a bad breakup, pining after the ex boyfriend, et al, go on dates.  I know many will say, "I'm not ready to date."  Even if you aren't ready, go!  It's just coffee, a drink, lunch, or dinner.  Even if you find out those guys aren't the right ones for you, you'll know there are plenty of guys out there.

Followup

A followup to the other day's post.  I think I've talked about it before?  I go on dates to have a nice conversation, see if there's chemistry/a connection, determine if we want to see each other again, et al.  I don't go on dates just because he's buying dinner.  And if he's someone who thinks that, he's a waste of my time; he doesn't understand me and even worse, has a WIIFM mentality.

WIIFM?

Ever hear of WIIFM?  Aka, "What's in it for me?"  I don't like this way of thinking, at all.  I dated one guy who used to bring it up when talking about business.  Towards the end of our courtship/relationship, he started bringing it up when it came to me.  For example, giving me a ride home after dinner.  He actually said, "You get a free dinner and a ride home.  What do I get?"  Me (to myself), "After that, me never seeing you again."

When I have dinner with a friend, I don't think that's even a thought that crosses his/her mind.  It certainly doesn't cross my mind.  If a friend buys me dinner and drives me home, it's because they like my company and they like me as a person.  Perhaps they want to make sure I get home safe, perhaps they know the dinner will be filled with laughter, et al.  So, when I find out a suitor is thinking WIIFM, I don't think he's interested in me enough (at least not as a person).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!  Hope everyone is having a nice time with friends, family, and/or alone.  What are you thankful for this year?

My top three:

1. I'm thankful that I don't work in corporate anymore
2. I'm thankful that I'm very over New Leaf Guy and other guys who weren't right for me
3. I'm thankful that I've been sleeping really well (I believe sleep is best way to stay healthy)

A Long Lost Girlfriend

The guy from the weekend.  The food was good, the conversation was good, the spark was no good (there was no spark...on either of our ends).  I felt like I was talking to a long lost girlfriend.

Have Patience

Not everyone is glued to their phones, I'm certainly not.  I think many guys I interact with this find this to be a problem (based on the complaints I've gotten over the years).  Well, to me, that just says they aren't interested enough if they can't wait a few hours for a text.  Have patience.  Sure, sometimes it's more than a few hours.  For example, guy texts me at 9 pm, I see it at 12 am, decide not to reply at 12 am because it's 12 am, go to sleep, wake up, get ready for work, go to work, and don't remember he texted til 12 pm.

Quickly

Date with a different new guy this weekend, another online guy.  I like that he moved quickly.  He emailed me quickly, asked me out quickly, and set up a dinner quickly.  And no, he wasn't deterred by me taking days to respond to emails.  My online dating emails/alerts get sent to my non primary email account.

That Was Fast

I've gone from being open to see this guy again to saying, no, I will not see him again.  He seems needy.  He keeps asking me what I think of him and if I'm interested in him.  We've gone out twice.  That's not enough time for me to determine if I'm interested in him.  This constant questioning is a big red flag.  Again, we've gone out twice!

Excited And Nervous?

I went out with the lunch date guy again because 1) I think he was excited, which caused him to text me a lot - some of these texts were funny, and 2) I think he was nervous, which caused him to talk non stop on our first date.  I wasn't wowed on this second date, but also won't disqualify him yet.

I'm Begging You

Smart Guy who I haven't spoken to in years asked me if I'm married yet via text.  He's also literally begging me to see him.  It was "Hey, are you married yet?  I'm begging you to see me.  Please have dinner with me."  No, I am not going.  Yes, he is very successful, well educated, smart, et al, but I don't like the way he made me feel.  Everything I accomplished in life was due to "luck and good looks."  And, I don't wish to argue with him on why my opinions are "right" or "wrong."

New Job

I started a new job.  It's not a corporate job.  The pay is terrible, the perks are great, and I'll meet many new people.  I had my heart set on bartender or receptionist (these are both low stress jobs compared to what I've dealt with for the last several years); it's neither of those.  Even on bad days, it wouldn't compare to the agony of dealing with some of my former coworkers.  I've had many sleepless nights from working in an office and writting countless 3am emails.

I haven't decided if I will say what my new job is yet.  I probably will, eventually.

No No

New Leaf Guy has been trying to get my attention on FB by posting pictures from restaurants we've been to, articles on topics we've discussed at length, et al.  I feel a little bad for him.  He could have gotten what he wanted (me continuing to date him) if he had just been more considerate.  When we were together, he did some passive aggressive "acting out" things (not all the time, of course).  This one comes to mind, chit chatting on the phone (when he was already late meeting me) and continuing the conversation for another 15 minutes in front of me because he knew I was already annoyed.  No no.

The "perfect on paper" spell has been broken for a while now.  Rose colored glasses have been tossed aside.  Even worse for him, when I used to see his posts, I'd feel a tinge of something (mainly annoyance) and now I feel nothing.

Yes!

I've touched upon this in previous posts...I'm laid off (along with 30 other people in my department).  Yes!  I don't want to be there anymore.  My severance package was amazing.  So, I'm going to try out different jobs.  I've already sent out applications, gone on interviews, and accepted offers.  If I hate them, I can find another job.  Worst case, go back to the corporate world.

A Hot Second

And after hating disqualified guys for a hot second, I feel bad for them...especially when they keep trying to reach me.  It's like, if this was something you really wanted to pursue and were interested in, why did you wait until after you were disqualified to step it up?

Hate Him For A Hot Second

I always end up hating whoever it is I dated.  It doesn't last forever, just a hot second or two.  I don't think I actually hate them (or maybe I do).  It's more of me being angry with myself for turning a blind eye to things that I didn't like.

I've hated New Leaf Guy on several occasions.  I was probably angrier with myself more than I was with him.  I'd call him out, he'd improve short term, and then go back to doing whatever it was that I found to be offensive.

There were a couple of times where I was close to a murderous rampage because of how he treated me (fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me).  My limit was reached.  Sure, we had nice times, but those nice times are not worth it.  I find myself much calmer now that I've stopped talking to him.

Daylight Savings

It's the end of Daylight Savings.  This time of year makes me really think about changes I'd like to make.  Most people want to be in a relationship around the holidays; I don't.  I like having quiet time not surrounded by combined families or 900 family members of a significant other.

Lunch Date

I went on a lunch date with a new guy yesterday.  He was nice, but very clingy.  He called, texted, and emailed me four different times to confirm our lunch.  And, he's texted me four times since we had lunch.  During the date, I felt bored...the entire time.

And, How Do I Feel?

I was talking to a girlfriend and she reminded me to stop thinking about how good he is on paper, how cute he is, et al, and concentrate on "how do I feel when I'm around him?"  Sometimes he is very cute, amazing on paper, and great days are great, but I'm very annoyed and/or enraged the rest of the time.

I already concentrate on feelings with new and old friends.  I have one friend who is always anxious and worried.  Every time I see her, I feel anxious and worried.  We aren't friends anymore.  I know how to do this with friends.  I need to start doing it more with potential guys in the dating/relationship area.  If you have the same problem (liking the idea of someone more than the reality), incorporating feelings would snap you out of it too.

Jobs To Meet Men

A girlfriend and I have talked about jobs to meet men in the past.  Well, the head of my department was let go and heads are going to roll.  Rather than getting another job where I am essentially held hostage in an office for 60+ hours a week, it's time for something different.  The money is good in my current line of work, but I abhor it (the structure, managing the same people every day, trying to stay awake in meetings where people point fingers at one another, et al).  I want something very different and might as well meet men/people while I am at it.

Jobs to meet men/new people:

• Anything in tech
• Biz Dev/Sales
• Relationship Manager 
• Fundraising
• Human Resources
• Journalist
• Real Estate Agent
• Receptionist (major corporation, medical office, small business, et al)
• Hostess/Waitress
• Barista
• Car Dealership
• Flight Attendant 
• Bank Teller
• Apple Store Associate
• Cashier (Trader Joe, Safeway, Whole Foods, Banana Republic, et al)
• Dog Walker 

My salary is something I'd gladly trade to get out of corporate America...at least for a while.

Men Everywhere

I've been meeting many men in supermarkets, on trains, on the street, et al.  It goes with my "guys don't want to be single when it's cold out" theory.  And, they also appear when they are the furthest thing from my mind.

You'll Find It When You Aren't Looking

Single and married people have always said something like, "You'll find it when you aren't looking."  Is there any truth to it?  I go from looking to not looking, back to looking many many times over the course of a year.

I don't think I've been truly looking for years.  I gave up because I didn't find what I wanted to find and/or I really like being single.  Even though I gave up, I continued going on dates because I wanted to make sure I didn't miss out on the possibility that he could be the right guy.  There are so many other things I'd rather be doing than going on lukewarm dates.

Preoccupied

I've been very preoccupied with thoughts of a new job.  As much as this is causing stress, it's nice because I spend way less time thinking about the recent dates I've gone on.

Start Over

Crisp fall weather (more so on the mornings and evenings) makes me want to start over.  Start a new job, find a new hobby, move to a new city, get a new set of friends, et al.

I am currently:

1. Getting a new wardrobe
2. Further distancing myself from friendships that I haven't evolved with
3. Traveling more
4. Actively looking into a big job/career change
5. Disqualifying men at a much faster rate (imagine how much faster it can be)

Struck A Nerve

While I was taking a walk during lunch, I had a thought (this is not a new thought).  When I get hater comments, I know I struck a nerve.  If you want to dish it, know that you'll be taking it too.  That's not the point of this post though.  I've talked about this before.  If there is something I say which enrages you, ask yourself why.  Be more self aware.

I'll use that Anonymous comment from earlier this week as an example.  I think it bothers her that she doesn't get or isn't able to keep attention from men.  Maybe she's the girl who goes out with a guy two or three times and she never hears from him again.  Maybe she's the girl who goes out with all her friends and isn't approached while the rest of her friends are.  Maybe she's the girl who is still pining over an ex boyfriend from years ago.

No Asperger's

No more dating guys with Asperger's.  I wasn't even aware of Asperger's until I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area.  To the best of my knowledge, I had never met anyone with it.  In SF, I think it's 70/30 (70% or more have Asperger's).

Smart Guy had Asperger's and used to say the most condescending things.  New Leaf Guy had Asperger's and would just blurt out whatever was on his mind (which probably ties in with the no follow through thing).  I'm not saying all guys with Asperger's are undesirable, I am simply saying, they are undesirable to me.

From what I've heard from psychologists, Asperger's is measured on a spectrum.  So, if he's high enough on the spectrum where I'd notice it, no.

Monday Madness

Monday Madness.  Since I last talked about New Leaf Guy, I decided that I don't even want to be friends with him.  I told him this on the phone.  That has caused him to text, call, and come by my apartment several times.  I haven't and don't plan on responding or opening the door.

Smart Guy also contacted me over the last week.  I am really unclear on why he thinks I'd respond.  It's been four or so years since I last spoke to him.

Weekend Trip

On another weekend trip, this time, Tahoe with two girl friends.  We will not talk about guys...at all.

Wrapping Up

I've been working on a new project at work for the last month with a very very cute single guy.  The project is wrapping up in the next couple of weeks.  We've been (and always have been since day one) flirting, but I don't take him seriously because he's younger and is maybe just good eye candy.  Recently, he's been finding ways to stand and sit very close to me and inserting himself in all my meetings.

Too Little, Too Late

New Leaf Guy is now the friend I sometimes (once a month, once every two months...he's not on the top of the people I want to see list and probably never will be again) have dinner with.  He hopes that he'll have another shot.  It's too little, too late.  I'm not doing this out of spite, it's how I feel, and I'm very over it.

Numbers Game

A new book is out and says dating is a number game.  How is this news?  In this ABC News link, San Francisco, Silicon Valley, etc were listed as great places for single women to meet single men.  And as I've always said, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.  Let's say we subtract the "odd" single guys from SV/SF, that leads us with not many single men.  And of those remaining single men, I'd say a high percentage are "Peter Pans."

This Is My Year

This is my year.  It started out a bit shaky and has gotten better with every passing month.  I'm going to make it even better!  I plan to take more weekend trips, ideally to places I haven't visited before.

Although I haven't found someone I'd like to be in a long term relationship with, I feel like I'm getting closer with every guy I meet (and disqualify).  I do like being single and I often wonder if I even want to find someone...

That Was Nice

I was on Caltrain today.  This guy sitting across the aisle from me said, "You are incredibly beautiful and I just had to tell you that" as he was getting off the train.  That was nice.  No, I don't think he was hitting on me.  He blurted it and ran off, LOL

Boston

On my way back from Boston.  Needed a break.

Uneventful

Dinner with New Leaf Guy was uneventful and boring.  Suffice it to say, I'm quite sure I'm over him (or this is PMS talking, think it's more A than B).  I'm glad I went.  Whatever I saw in him or thought I saw in him is gone.

A Terrible Idea

This a terrible idea.  I agreed to go to dinner with New Leaf Guy.  He can thank all my recent lukewarm dates.

Probably Go

New Leaf Guy brought me lunch yesterday.  We talked for 20 minutes.  Although I know I was very angry about some things months ago, I don't feel the anger anymore.

He asked me out to dinner.  I'll probably go.

Lunch Today

Work has been really busy.  New Leaf Guy wants to see me really badly.  So, I'll let him bring me lunch today.  He knows I can't see him for more than 20 minutes and he still insists on coming by the office.

Today's Bagel

It's still a small world and Coffee Meets Bagel hasn't been very good or interesting for me.  Today's bagel, someone I went on a date with five years ago.  LOL

Say Nothing

I don't check Tinder very often.  I tried to be better at it, didn't work.  One of my matches said, "Hi!"  Two weeks later he said, "It's f*cking rude to ignore me," but he didn't unmatch me (which I thought was unusual because he could have done just that instead of being an *sshole).  Also, he could totally see that I haven't logged in for two weeks if he wanted to check.  Nevertheless, I unmatched him.

I think people could be a bit nicer (or just not nasty) when interacting with others (not just in the dating arena, this is in general).  If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing, and move on.  I'd love to tell every *sshole I encounter exactly what I think of them, but I don't.  It's called being an adult.

Still Ruminating

Still ruminating.  Sh*t, this New Leaf Guy thing.

A part of me feels like I've already wasted way too much of my life and energy on him.  Another part of me knows that I really liked him.  And I was angry, very angry because it didn't seem like he was interested enough.  I thought he was starting to treat me like garbage.  I felt like he was screwing with me (and perhaps he was to try to get a reaction, as revenge, whatever other possibilities).  Male friends have told me that they do things to get a reaction in order to see if a woman cares.  I don't think anyone should try to make someone else want to kill.

I don't know why, but I don't get the sense he is screwing with me now.

Do I want to get sucked into this again?  No.  Does part of me still like him?  Very likely.  Am I still angry about things that happened months ago?  No, a lot of time has passed; I know what he did, but I don't feel the fury anymore.

Did She Try To Kiss Me?

Did she try to kiss me?  I think one of my girl friends tried to kiss me tonight.  I thought she liked guys!  Perhaps she likes both?  Definitely a night for the adventure log.

Job Opportunity

Happy Labor Day!

I'm thinking about getting a new job.  I've mentioned this to guys I meet at networking meetups.  I find it quite humorous when guys contact me about a job opportunity and want to discuss in person, which then turns out to be a date.  If we even discuss the potential job for 15 minutes and it goes somewhere, I don't mind being hoodwinked (as much).  I just wouldn't agree to meet him again unless I was interested.

Sh*t Sh*t Sh*t

I just received first class tickets for a weekend getaway to Seattle from New Leaf Guy for after he gets back from his work travel later this month.  He said if those dates don't work, we can find a better weekend.  Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, I don't know what to do.  I was so angry with him months ago.  I swore him off!

As we know, with time, we forget how angry we were and remember the good more than the bad (I don't know about you, but I do this).  Since his facebook games didn't work, this is his new angle?  I know this is his idea of a grand gesture.  It does seem like he is trying.
 
I've been on some very uninspiring dates recently, which makes this even more tempting.  Well, that and the fact that I know I liked him.  I don't like many of the men I meet.

Tonight's Dinner Date Recap

I went on a dinner date tonight.  We met online and he was a very very nice guy.  I didn't feel any spark though.  It felt like a really long date.  I kept thinking to myself, is dinner over yet?  I also felt like I was talking to one of my girl friends, not a potential romantic interest.  If he asks me out again, I think I should give him another shot because he was very nice.

Date Thursday Night

Date with a new guy Thursday night.  He's in his late 40s or early 50s.  Yes, I am sticking to my date older idea.

SF Is Very Very Small

I keep forgetting SF is very very small.  While I was walking around by Yerba Buena, saw this guy I went on a date with a month ago.  I think we both pretended not to see each other, LOL.  This did not offend me, feelings of no spark were mutual.

No Thanks

Went out with a new guy tonight.  Don't plan on seeing him again.  He gave me a speech about my job and said I looked different from my picture, LOL.  He also wanted to argue.  He tried to make the date a lot longer, no thanks.  We did have a good meal, (the food was good).

Grow Up

New Leaf Guy has been trying to play facebook games with me while he's on his work trips.  I'll check in somewhere and he'll email me something long and obnoxious about how I'm having a great time while he's slaving away.  Then he'll post some photo of a nice meal.  I'm not playing and he's been disqualified, so?

He has sent me a few emails, texts, facebook messages about business related things.  I have responded cordially to those.

Categories

I was thinking about Smart Guy the other day because he texted me...again.  Smart Guy used to try throw me into categories (they included:  alcoholic, slut, prude, cheater, et al).  Every time he thought he figured it out, he learned he was wrong.  Why was there a need to categorize me?  We should have been getting to know each other not trying to label each other.

He was the type who liked to ask "Why" and argue.  The "why" was okay, the wanting to argue was not okay.  He'd basically tried to "prove" my opinion was wrong.  Bruh, it's an opinion.

Dating Coach

Many guys in San Francisco could use a dating coach.  I'm often tempted to offer constructive feedback when I go on a terrible date.  I don't do it.  The worst thing is, I don't think many of these SF men are aware that their dating skills suck.

Self Confidence

I just read about an experiment where women with more self confidence are less willing to date men who are non professionals.

Advice: Stick To Your Schedule

This is for women because I think women do this much more than men.

Stick to your schedule.  I know it's hard to say no when you really like him and he texts you to see if you want to go to dinner tomorrow night because his basketball game got cancelled, the night of your favorite spin class.  Go to your spin class.  If he surprised you with tickets for your favorite band, that's different.

You have friends, family, work, school, et al.  Why should put him first and accommodate his schedule?  Why should you stay out too late and feel like a corpse the entire next day because you agreed to meet him at 10pm for drinks after his basketball game ended? 

I've been too flexible with my schedule before and it was a big mistake.  The guy got complacent and stopped planning ahead because he assumed I'd be available.  He'd start sentences with "I'll let you know."  No.  I reset that by being very unavailable, which caused him to mind his Ps and Qs again.  Your time if valuable.  Even if you have nothing to do, it is still valuable.

Tinder Killed Dating?

Saw this article about Tinder, hooking up, online dating apps, non relationships, end of dating, et al floating around on facebook and it is disturbing.  I don't think tinder killed dating, it was already dying before tinder appeared on the scene.  Perhaps online dating as a whole started the demise of dating because people turned into commodities and meeting someone took on an online shopping feel.  The sense of scarcity disappeared because you could simply login and see hundreds of others hoping to meet someone (intention unclear).

Although the article talks about young people in their 20s, I am sure some of it applies to many of us who are out of our 20s.  The main point I got?  Men are trying to have sex with as many women as possible.  They will either flat out say they are not interested in a relationship or lead women to believe they are interested in a relationship in order to have sex with them; #2 is quite despicable.  And, women talking about how dating is dead.

I'd like to say:

• Men if you are just looking for sex, tell her that.  Do not appear to be interested in more in order to persuade her to sleep with you.  That's obnoxious
• Women, if you are just looking for sex, do not expect the men to want more.  If you are looking for a relationship, do not have sex with him until you are in a relationship

Advice: 5 Ways To Get Her To Text You Back

Someone emailed me this question, so how I do get her to text me back?  Ask her a real question.

1. Would you like to go out sometime?
2. Are you free Wednesday night?  Let's get a drink
3. I just got tickets to ___ for Friday night, would you like to come with me?
4. I'm going to Bay to Breakers, do you want to come?
5. I'd like to take you to dinner, what night are you free?

New Guy Friend

I have a new guy friend who constantly emails and flirts with me.  He also says he's hung up on a girl who lives in another state.  This means, I won't see him as anything other than a friend even though he keeps inviting me to dinner, which he also says will be his treat.

Birth Control Failure Probabilities

This NYT article was floating around a few months ago.  It talks about birth control failure probabilities over the course of 10 years.  It's pretty scary because it makes it seem like virtually all forms of birth control will have more than a 50% chance of failing by year 10.

Too Comfortable

It's always irked me when guys mind their Ps and Qs on the first few dates, then they start getting too comfortable and think they don't need to try anymore.  Or maybe, the beginning was all an act? 

I know this is something that happens to other women.  One gal I know has "dates" with her boyfriend, which consists of her bringing take out to his place and watching him play Xbox all night.

I'm going to start telling guys they need to shape up, as soon as, I start seeing signs of bull s*t.  With New Leaf Guy, I'd become very unavailable, which got him to shape up, but I only saw a temporary improvement.  Calling him out also did nothing, so disqualified.

Advice: Speak Up

This one is for the women and it could also be for the men.

If you don't like the way he treats you, speak up instead of pretending to be "fine" and blowing up later.  Deliver the message in a nice way, easier said than done (no screaming, no yelling, no accusations, et al).  Don't nag, if he doesn't fix the issue, decide to deal with it or drop him.

Example:
What you want to say:  John, I don't come over to watch you play video games all f*cking night
What you could say:  John, I know you love video games.  When I come over, I come over to see you, not to watch you play video games

If he is a smart man and cares about you, he will put the controller down and ask you what you want to do or have a suggestion for what to do.  If he is a stupid man, he will continue playing (you might want to drop him...I don't need to explain why).

Very Wrong

Because this guy has said five different versions of "Goodbye" to me over the past five days, I thought he'd give up and go away.  I am very wrong.  Time to block.  "?????" as a text or anything else is so rude.

Wrong

Wrong, that guy just texted me again.  How is "?????" an acceptable text from anyone?  Isn't that the equivalent of texting in all caps?  This guy sucks.

We Have An Answer?

We have an answer?  After not responding to several of his text, texts that I felt were too irritating/pushy (what did you do last night, who did you go out with, why are you so busy you can't reply, ?????, et al), every couple of hours,  I received "Goodbye." I didn't respond to a text he sent 72 minutes ago or all morning.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Then, he texted a picture of a boat leaving a dock (like this ship has sailed)?  LOL, good riddance!

Thinking About My Tirade

I was thinking about my tirade on guys contacting me with no real reason.  Let's use this guy as an example.  When we first exchanged numbers, he texted me that day to ask me out for the next night.  I didn't like that, but overlooked it.  My interest level did not change.  When he sent me several texts later that night with no reason (other than to tell me what he's doing...remember, we've never met before), my interest level decreased a bit.  When he sent me 18 texts in 14 hours, which then turned into 22 texts in 24 hours (with me still only replying to that one from the night before), I got very annoyed and was ready to block him.

I started thinking about this.  If I was very interested in him to begin with and he had done all these things, would I still be very interested in him?  No.  He's pushy and sending me texts like "?????" every few minutes/hours is obnoxious.  Rather than blocking him, I am going conduct a social experiment.  I will not respond to any texts unless they are texts asking me out.  I suspect this never happens to him since he is a very successful man.  Quite frankly, I don't care if he stops texting me and I never meet him.

He's like this now and we've never met.  How would he be if we actually dated?  Exactly.

Advice: Have A Reason

For the men, if you contact a woman, have a reason.

This is something that I find incredibly irritating - when a new guy (you haven't had a date yet, a date hasn't even been set up yet, you went on one date, et al) feels the need to call/email/text for what appears to be no reason at all.  For example:

• Hi
• How are you?
• How's your morning?
• What did you do for the 4th?
• How was your weekend?
• What are you doing this weekend?  (Very ambiguous and stupid question, the woman doesn't know if you are trying to ask her out or if you are just nosy and want to know what she's doing this weekend)

If you aren't contacting me to ask for a date, then save it.  If we already have a date set up, there is no need to contact me every day with useless chatter.  We've never even met, do you really care how I am?  We are practically strangers.  You are more familiar with your Starbucks barista than you are with me.  And no, we aren't going to be able to "get to know each other" without actually meeting in person; texting me "How are you" every morning isn't going to help you get to know me or vice versa.

Perhaps this is the thing 22 year olds do?  Then leave it to the 22 year olds.  If you are communicating with someone in their 30s, I don't see this as being at all necessary.  I'm in my mid 30s and I'm too busy for this back and forth with no reason "chatting."  Sometimes I'm in meetings for six hours straight, then a three hour work dinner; that's nine hours right there.  So no, I don't have the time or interest in no reason messages.

Ghosting

Saw this NYT article on ghosting a few weeks ago and thought it'd be good to post because I occasionally use the term in this blog.  It talks about what it is (disappearing without a trace, explanation, et al) and why people do it.  I've done it before.  Why?  Because I didn't feel like the guy I was ghosting deserved a response.  I also felt that he should realize my ghosting was an end to the relationship, us dating, or whatever it was.

Terrifying?

Still haven't met up with this new guy and he's sent me 18 texts over 14 hours (that includes 8 hours where normal people are sleeping).  I replied to one text.  I don't think I should meet up with him, this is...terrifying?  And tremendously irritating.  The one text I replied to was him asking me out.  That's it.  The texts he's been sending me?  Nothing of substance, I just woke up, I'm going to the gym, look at this view, hi!!!!!, what are you doing right now, et al.  I repeat, we've NEVER met before.  I'm thinking about blocking him.  He reminds me of Smart Guy...

A Pair Of Actors

Aren't we a pair of actors.  New Leaf Guy acted like everything is fine (maybe he really thinks it is)?  I acted like I believed his lame excuse for flaking the last time we were supposed to meet and never brought it up.  I've already categorized him as flaky friend/kinda business contact weeks ago.  Remember, I want to avoid him bad mouthing me (he knows a tremendous number of people).

Dinner was?  He told me he missed me and I talked about a new book I'm reading.  While I was examining the menu, he kept suggesting I order the most expensive items (what I was already planning to do).  Food came and I stuck to non relationship related topics, work, business, sports, et al.  Every time relationship related topics came up, I changed the subject.  He did something new, he looked at every woman who walked by (eye roll, like no guy has ever done this before to try to get a reaction).  I gave him no reaction and it actually didn't bother me one bit.

He's traveling again all of August and part of September.  I am going peacefully and will simply turn down future invitations and blame it on work, family obligations, spin class, et al.  I'm not even tempted to tell him why he is disqualified (something I am often tempted to do).  He'll go on his trip and perhaps when he comes back, he'll have forgotten about me.  If he doesn't fade away on his own, I'll say something like I don't want to be with someone who travels almost all the time.

All The World's A Stage

All the world's a stage - Shakespeare

I agreed to have dinner with New Leaf Guy.  I am going to pick a very expensive restaurant and order the most expensive items on the menu to get the "flaking is bad" message out there (he should already know flaking is bad, flaking is bad in all settings, romantic, business, et al).  I am going to act like I believe his lame "I did let you know" excuse.  (I know many readers have said this Google Hangout/Chat issue is real; I would say about 2% of me believes it applies in this case.)  I don't care if it was a lie or the truth; I know it's over and we will be business contacts.

Why did I agree to dinner instead of my normal ghosting (what I really want to do)?  I need this to be peaceful.  SF is small, he knows a lot of people, and I don't want him bad mouthing me (something I can 100% see him doing).

More Dating Advice

I'm going to start giving out more dating advice.  No, I am not in a successful relationship with a wonderful man.  However, I have been on more than my fair share of bad dates and have heard more than enough stories to know a thing or two.  Also every guy I've ever gone out with at least 2x comes back around after they've been disqualified - perhaps they are bored or perhaps they haven't found "better," so...  Sh*t, right now I have a guy who is on my *ss and we've never even met before.

Reminder, if you don't like it, then don't read it.

Proceed With Caution

I've been talking to a new guy online (OkC).  I am going to proceed with caution.  He is a repeat emailer (he emails me several times before I even have the chance to read the first one).  Now, he's sending me "wish you were here texts" during the day and sappy goodnight texts.  We haven't even met in person yet.  He asked me out on a last minute date during the week and I had plans (not that I would have agreed if I hadn't already had plans).  He's also a repeat texter (he texts me several times before I even have the chance to read the first one).

This screams, "Proceed with caution!"  He could be one of those obsessive types I won't be able to shake. (Isn't that every guy?)

I Spoke Too Soon

I spoke too soon.  New Leaf Guy called yesterday and curiosity got the best of me.  Since I've never been stood up before, I wanted to know how he was going to play it.  He small talked about a variety of things while possibly noticing my curtness.

He said he was sorry he couldn't grab a drink Monday night and we should pick a night next week.  That's when I cut in and said he should have called to cancel.  He said he left me a Google hangout/chat message.  No, he did not.  He said he did, apologized that I didn't get it, and pleaded for me to see him next week.  I said no, busy all week.  (Complete lie, wasn't trying to be convincing, thought about saying, "I'll be washing my hair every night" to make it painfully obvious that I am lying.)  He asked me to think about it or name another day.

Here's what I think really happened.  Out of passive aggressiveness/anger/games, he stood me up on Monday and expected me to call/text every two minutes asking him where he was, which would have appeased his ego.  I did not react they way he expected me to act.  He freaked out Tuesday and tried to get my attention with Instagram.  Yesterday, he freaked out even more, broke down, called me, and made up some bull sh*t excuse.  I think I'm right about this because I've seen it before (not standing me up, but similar uncouth behavior) with two other very intelligent and very insecure men, The Brain and Smart Guy.

When I'm angry with someone, I won't talk to them until I've simmered down.  I don't care if they call me 100 times.  However, if I already had plans with him/her, I would have the courtesy to send a cancellation message.

My #1,000th Post

This is my 1,000th post.  Will I find the right guy before blog post #2,000?  Not at this rate, LOL.  I do enjoy being single and not going on bad dates...

God, I Hope Not

As some of you already know, the guys I know tend to reappear after several weeks, months, or years.  With New Leaf Guy, God I hope not.  He flaked after begging to see me.  Perhaps that was his way of saying f*ck you to me; I hope so because that would mean he won't be reappearing.  I'm not looking for problems or headaches here.

Sayonara!

Sayonara!  New Leaf Guy appears well and uninjured, as I assumed he'd be.  He posted pictures on Instagram all morning.  That means he flaked last night.  This is the first time I've been stood up, by anyone.  And, he hasn't tried to contact me between the time of the date and now.

I'm not mad that he didn't show.  I'm thinking about it because I don't understand his logic or what he hopes will happen by flaking. As some readers have said in the comments of the last post, perhaps he was testing me.  I stand by the question, if he was really interested in me, wouldn't this be a very risky test?  This isn't going to get him back in my good graces.

This is why I don't give guys second chances (in his case it may have been more than two).  If I need to give a guy a second chance, that means he wasn't interested enough the first time around and/or I found his behavior to be horrible.  If he was very interested and acted as such, he wouldn't have needed the second chance!

What?

What?  I agreed to meet New Leaf Guy for a quick drink tonight.  He was going to pick me up at 6:30 pm.  He never picked me up (even though he confirmed last night).  He texts when he's running late and calls if he has to stay at work longer than he had intended.  He's never flaked on a date before.  This is strange.  I surprised myself because I wasn't even angry.  He's let me down so many times that my expectations are nonexistent, it's like I've become immune to his bull sh*t, wonderful!

I'm a little concerned (not concerned enough to call him).  I don't know if something happened, but I do know that I equate flakiness with treating me like sh*t.  No one needs that in their lives.

That New Guy From The Other Night

About that new guy I went out with the other night.  He was smart, good at holding a conversation, and very chivalrous (I attribute this to him not being an engineer).  He asked questions in a way that didn't feel like an interrogation.

Unfortunately, he asked terrible questions, such as, how has a gorgeous girl like you never been married, what happened in your last relationship, tell me about your ex boyfriends, how do you like online dating, do you own your place?  Makes me think he was researching SF dating dynamics, online dating from a woman's perspective, ex boyfriend stories, and why single women are single in San Francisco.

I did not feel a spark, I don't think he did either.  I left it as, thanks for a nice evening.

7 Drawbacks To Online Dating?

This Huffington Post article talks about the 7 Drawbacks to Online Dating, which include the feeling of endless options, non committal parties, trolls, shaky compatibility algorithms, et al.  They missed the most obvious online dating problem, meeting in real life and having no spark (chemistry, real attraction, connection, et al).

Not Mad Anymore

I am not mad at New Leaf Guy anymore.  I gave myself 24 hours to be stark raving mad, but that's it.  He doesn't get to hold that power over me.  Being mad is a waste of time and energy.  For those 24 hours, I yelled, I screamed, I ranted, I raved.

Why was I so mad when he had just asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him?  Because I didn't think he had good intentions.  I started to think of all the things he had not followed through on (my biggest grievance with him).

Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm not, doesn't matter.  I think he was on his absolute best behavior in the beginning because he knew that's what he had to do, not because he wanted to be (this casts doubt on his interest level as a whole).  He had been slacking recently (too comfortable and/or getting complacent and/or letting his true self show).  All this added together with his flakiness thoroughly enraged me.

I should have known better.  I need to listen to my own advice and look at actions.  The whole reason why he's named New Leaf Guy is because he messed up a lot in the beginning (though I can't recall what he did).

I did finally answer one of his calls.  He was still making promises. LOL.  I'll believe it when I see it, and no, I'm not holding my breath.  I agreed to see him for a quick drink next week because I've invested months of my life already (I should place into practice the whole sunk cost thing).  Well, it'll likely make for a good story...

First Date With A New Guy

I was on a dating hiatus.  Dipping a toe back in, online dating, here we go...again.  First date with a new guy this week, we'll see if he gets a name.  He asked me out over a week ago, 40s, lives in San Francisco (fewer than 15 minutes away by foot), works in finance, and that's all I remember.

Perhaps this one will be different.  I have zero expectations (good or bad).  I'm just going to go, eat a nice dinner, and have a nice conversation (please please please no job interview type of questions or interrogation).

Independence Day

It's Independence Day tomorrow.  My married lady friends are always telling me to enjoy being single because the other side is overrated.  That's interesting coming from the married ladies.

I do like being on my own, perhaps too much...

Genuinely Interested

Some reminders for myself and others who may need it.  If a guy is genuinely interested, it will show in his actions, don't listen to his words.  He'll plan ahead and pick a restaurant (because he agreed to do it or because he wants to impress you).  He'll happily pick you up and not b*tch and whine about the traffic he's endured.  He'll want to go away with you for the weekend, not just talk about it.  He'll want to help if it seems like you need help (this could be as simple as helping you put on your coat, assembling an Ikea shelf, mock interviewing for your graduate school admissions interview, et al).

I think every woman out there deserves a guy who is genuinely interested in her...

Living Together

This article talks about living together before marriage and divorce rates.  Should I ever get married, I do not want to live with him until we are actually married. 

I don't believe in this living together "to see if we get along" stuff.  You should know if you get along before moving in.  I'm sure you've had some sleepovers if you've been dating for a while.  If you really like each other, you will work it out, not just end the relationship/move out because he whistles in the shower, she has 200 pairs of shoes, or other reasons you may have.

I Didn't Even Like Him

Many married women have told me "I didn't even like him" when we first met.  Yes, they are talking about their now husbands.  Maybe these men grew on these women or maybe these women settled.  As long as they are happy in/with their relationships, it doesn't matter.

When I first met New Leaf Guy, I liked him.  There was a spark on both our ends, perhaps that was because we made eye contact that lasted more than four minutes and that NYT article is sorta right (no, I did not fall in love at first sight).

I'm Starting To Feel Bad

I'm starting to feel bad for New Leaf Guy.  Not bad enough to call him back.  One of my guy friends who can't stand the guy (based on what he's heard) was pleading his case for him at lunch today.

Another Call

Another call from New Leaf Guy and this time he left a voice mail to call him back.  He sounded annoyed, LOL, imagine how I feel about all that flaking.  Yes, I chose not to answer, again.  I've heard enough of his blathering and he doesn't deserve me answering a two minute phone call (or however long it would end up being).

If he really wanted me to talk to him, he'd follow through on some of his broken promises.  For example, he could email me his Google friend's contact information, apologize, send me that Valentine's gift I never asked for, et al.

Men and women think differently.  I thought I was speaking "guy" when I told him his lack of follow through is a serious problem.

An Amazing Dinner

I had an amazing dinner with one of my male friends this evening.  We laugh so hard, we cried.  It makes up for the horrible date I had on Saturday night with New Leaf Guy.  My friend is taken and we are not interested in each other "like that."  I do feel this is how all my social interactions should be with friends (guys or gals), new potential men, et al.

No Voice Mail

New Leaf Guy just called and didn't leave a voice mail.  Yes, I was near my phone and chose not to pick up.

If I saw a grand gesture, I might reconsider my stance; "might" being the key word.  And no, I don't think he'll come up with a grand gesture.  I laid it all out for him, he talks a big game and doesn't follow through.  Did he think I didn't mean any of it?

Since his ego is so large, he probably doesn't believe I could live without him.  Watch me!

Bye Bye, New Leaf Guy

Bye bye, New Leaf Guy.  We did have a talk on Saturday night.  He told me he wanted to be exclusive.  He also told me he has to travel for work all August and half of September.  Maybe he is genuinely very interested, maybe he isn't (I suspect he isn't, but wants me to be on the back burner while he's traveling).

Why don't I think he's interested enough?  He talks a big game and has no follow through (not a good character trait).  We talked about taking a local weekend trip in March, that hasn't happened.  He said he wanted to get me a Valentine's gift (which I didn't ask for, but want to see since he's brought it up 20 times), never got it, it's been four months.  In January, I mentioned I'd like to work for Google.  He said his good friend works there and he'd set up a meeting for us to discuss, that didn't happen.

He didn't have to offer to do any of the things that he offered to do, but he did, and didn't follow through; broken promises.  Yes, I did tell him all the reasons why I'm not feeling it.  I don't think I could have been any clearer.

A Talk Tonight

Having a talk tonight with New Leaf Guy, not a "what are we" relationship talk.  I'm going to have a "what are you doing" talk.  I don't want to waste anymore real time or mental time on him.  I'm prepared to throw in the towel, which is what I think will happen because I think I've kept him around because of the fantasy/idea vs the reality.

5 Reasons I Hit Unmatch On Tinder

I've remembered to log into Tinder once every two or three days, which is much more frequent than before.

I like how they've made it much easier to unmatch.  Months ago, I remember they made users type something in to confirm unmatching.  I just unmatched the following (aka everyone), guys who:

1. Send a lot of messages without me even getting a chance to read the first one (Are you still there?  Where did you go?  What are you doing?  Are you at work?) - Needy, bored, clingy, et al
2. Type like high school girls (how r u, gr8, r u free, and more) - I don't speak the language and it makes him look like an imbecile
3. Have had more than a week to send me a message and have logged in within the past two days - Not interested enough
4. Seem like d*uchebags ("Oh, what made your weekend so great???") - Why did he feel the three question marks were necessary?
5. Seem like they want to chat for hours (Hey, how are you?  Where are you from?  Where did you go to school?  Where do you live? Have you ever been to Alaska?  What would you rather lose your freedom or your life?) - Notice how none of these questions are, "Do you want to go out sometime?"  Ask the lady out or don't, this endless chatting is irritating.  And, are you really that bored that you have nothing better to do than spam women you've never met before?

Time invested has been low, which makes it acceptable.  Yes, I'll continue logging in since this is my only form of online dating right now.

Smoothed Over

New Leaf Guy called today.  That sorta bad date from last week has been smoothed over.  I feel better about it, but it was still sorta bad and a sign of future relationship issues.

Sorta Online Dating

I'm now sorta online dating.  I've stopped with the sites where you have big profiles, emails, et al.  I'm giving Tinder a shot again because I've heard a lot of good things.  I'll try to log in more than once every four months.  I've "liked" a handful of guys and they've all sent messages.

One is about to get blocked; he's been messaging me incessantly, sometimes sending ten messages without me replying to even one of the ten.  He's been texting my mobile too.  This is too much.  I don't have the time or want to message all day.  He asked me out for next week, nothing concrete, and I think he'll get that I'm not interested when I disappear from Tinder and block him on my mobile.

Sorta Bad

I saw New Leaf Guy tonight and it was sorta bad.  He was very nervous and tired.  I was cranky and resentful.  Our expectations of one another are unaligned.  He thinks I should be head over heels for him after seeing him for many months.  I am on a different page because we don't see each other consistently, it's either a few times a week or a few times every few months (due to travel).  He expects us to be able to pick up where we left off and I don't work like that.  Out of sight, out of mind.  After a long hiatus, I feel like we need to restart and see if we are still interested.  And it takes time to get back into that mindset.

3 Reasons Online Dating Sucks

I know online dating has worked for many couples.  I know online dating is a good way to meet more men.  I've been using online dating on and off for at least five years, and the more I use it, the more I think it sucks.

3 Reasons Online Dating Suck (I think these are the most important ones):

1. Even if someone meets all your desired characteristics (looks, intelligence, yadda), you trade some good emails, you could still have absolutely no spark when you finally meet him/her in person.  (If you had met him organically, you would know if there was a spark within minutes.)
2. It's used as a tool to weed people out, not necessarily to cast a wider net.  (Example, he's not as tall as you'd like him to be, had you met organically and you had a spark you would of course date him.  However, since you met him online, you disqualified him because of his height, and you'd never know if you would have hit it off.)
3. There are some truly awful people (men and women) online (and in real life, but I've really met a lot online).  This guy comes to mind!  Or, perhaps they lie about their age, show pictures that from 15 years ago, have anger management issues, are the next American Psychos in the making, et al. 

After my last online date, I am on a hiatus from online dating.  I will share a story from a few months ago.  A guy wanted to trade emails "to see if we are compatible" (we had already traded six emails) and he requested more photos even though I already have several online.  I told him we can also see if we are compatible by getting coffee.  I ignored his picture request.  He said he wasn't comfortable meeting without emailing to see if we are compatible.  Delete.  He might be one of those guys who wants to have a pen pal and never intends on meeting in person.  Who cares what the reason is, point is he's an imbecile if he thinks one can trade emails to determine compatibility and/or compatibility alone leads to a spark.

I thought about making a collage of the worst online men I've met (in person or over email), but that would be low.

Propose To Him?

While waiting in line at Safeway, I flipped through the June issue of Glamour and saw them post results from a poll they took.  Findings, 70% of guys are fine with the girl proposing.  The line was moving, so I don't know number of guys surveyed, ages of these guys, et al.

I bring this up because I don't think it's wise for women to propose to men.  You could do it if you want, but don't be surprised if you don't get your desired outcome.  Think about all your girlfriends who pressure their boyfriends to get married.  Many of these boyfriends protest, buy more time, and do not propose.  So, all of a sudden, she proposes and he says, "Yes!!!!" Suuuurrrreee.

Thanks!

One of my close friends, Goodfella asked me if I wanted to meet a guy he knows in SF.  I said okay.  The guy hasn't emailed me and that's no problem.  I wasn't impressed by his FB pictures, but I really do appreciate Goodfella trying to make an introduction.  Thanks!

Don't Touch Her

Advice to guys, if you are on a date or are hanging out with a girl you like, don't touch her unless she gives you clear signs it's okay.  Some signs include you find her touching you a lot, she puts her hand on your arm, she removes imaginary lint from your shoulder, she squeezes by and happens to rub up against you even though she has plenty of room, she pulls you over and kisses you, et al.

Guys, if you already touched her arm and she moved away and/or looks visibly upset, she isn't interested.  Don't do it again.  I know, there is some hypocrisy, for most guys, a girl can touch them all they want.  This does not go the other way.

Evidently, I'm still bothered by that turd I met on Sunday.  I am less bothered, but it's not entirely gone.

Heebie Jeebies

This past weekend I went on two dates; one was satisfactory, the other one was revolting.  I'm reasonably good at deciding who to meet in real life, but this means I need to A) get even better at deciding and B) cut the date short when it takes a bad turn.

I have friends who always encourage me to accept a date, because "it's just one date."  Indeed, but what if the date is so ghastly that you are left with the heebie jeebies?

I was looking forward to seeing New Leaf Guy when he gets back in town next week.  However, after that revolting date (it was revolting because he repeatedly invaded my personal space) this past weekend, I don't want to go on a date with any man for some time.

Reminder to self and advice to others, "just one date" can scar you for a bit and f*ck staying longer because you are trying to be polite.

Why Am I On This Date?

I went on a coffee date this afternoon.  I found myself thinking, why am I on this date? A) I should have asked for clearer photos before agreeing to meet him - my fault.  B) I think he wanted someone to listen to his enormous list of problems.  They included how expensive San Francisco is, his train wreck last relationship, his father passing away two years ago, and other topics you wouldn't normally discuss with someone you just met for the first time.  I didn't like the questions he asked me, also things you wouldn't normally discuss when you first meet someone - last boyfriend, darkest secret, broken dreams, et al.

Even worse than the "conversation" if you can call it that, he didn't understand my clear "don't touch me" signs and invaded my personal space.  An example, he tried to put his arm around me, I moved far away and was practically walking in the street.  He did at least five times before I shouted, "What are you doing??!?!!?" 

I ended the date when I saw him looking me up and down very slowly; I should have ended it sooner, but I was trying to be polite.

Professional Contact

I went out on a dinner date with this repeat guy.  He's nice, we had a better conversation this date, but I still don't feel a spark.  He made it very clear that he thinks there is a spark, would like to see me again, and it's up to me.  I don't see him as relationship material, but I do see him as a professional contact; something I don't think he'd like...

A Good Example Of A Reappearing Guy

I wasn't going to talk about Smart Guy again, but I do think he's a good example of a guy who keeps coming back.  (Background for new readers, we went on several dates in 2012, I was never his girlfriend - so, we weren't in a relationship, and I stopped responding to his messages.  Most of him is great on paper, late 30s, 6'+ tall, affectionate, attorney, lives in Peninsula/Silicon Valley, Ivy law school, works at a prestigious firm, likes to argue, socially awkward, condescending, et al.)

He emailed me a few weeks ago.  I'm still not responding to him (and never will) because I don't want to date/see him and he doesn't deserve a response.  I don't give him much thought (though I used to get angry when I heard from him), now I laugh my *ss off at his ludicrous messages.

So, why do I think he keeps reappearing even though I haven't responded to a message since 2012?  I suspect he's bored, I know he's socially awkward, and he probably hasn't found "better."

5 Reasons Why Guys Keep Coming Back

I was thinking about comments from Tuesday's post and came up why I think guys reappear, so...

5 Reasons Why Guys Keep Coming Back:

1. He's bored - work is slow, no one has replied to his OkC emails in months, his best friend moved away, yadda yadda
2. He's been hit with spring fever, it's almost the holidays, et al - seasonal
3. He's socially awkward - doesn't understand social cues/norms ("Leave me alone" means "Leave me alone")
4. He sees you as a challenge and likes challenges - also tied with ego "How could she not be interested in me????"
5. He hasn't found "better" - operating under his definition of "better" and whatever qualities he looks for

I think this list applies to all women who have that guy or those guys who keep reappearing after she said no to a date, went on a date, went on a few dates, made her boyfriend, made her fiance...

I believe most of the guys who reappear in my life do so because they are bored (and the things that go with that); I don't take them very seriously.  If I've actually gone on a few dates with them and they contact me very often, I might start think it's because they haven't found "better."  No, I am not saying I am better than the other women (perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not).  I'm saying they came to the conclusion that I am "better," which is why they keep coming back even though I almost never respond. 

Ladies, don't be disappointed if guys don't reappear in your life very much, it's a good thing they don't.

Repeat Date

I have a repeat date this weekend.  He is someone I met for drinks at the end of 2014.  On our date, he asked very detailed questions about the rest of my night, week, et al and I got the sense that he was scorched/cheated on in his last relationship.  Our second date was supposed to be dinner, but I cancelled because I wasn't feeling well and I wasn't sure about him.  He did not accept my cancellation graciously, which was no problem.  So, I was shocked when he emailed and texted me every month since then.  I'm giving him another shot; it's just dinner.

Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day.  For me, it's always a reminder that we are about halfway through the year.  I finally gave this blog a facelift.  Other than that, nothing to report for the first half of the year.   How about you?

This Is What It Looks Like

I had a drink with a guy friends last night.  He's in his late 20s/early 30s and was talking about how he is absolutely totally in love with the girl he is currently dating.  They've been dating for a month, he plans on asking her to be exclusive in the next few weeks because he doesn't want to lose her to another guy.  And, sex is the last thing on his mind (he has not tried to move it into the bedroom).

This is what it looks like when a guy is really into a girl, none of this "sorta with" rubbish.

Interested Guy Friends

Want to know which of your guy friends might be interested in you?  Talk about other guys.  I have guy friends.  I never thought some were interested in me because I wasn't interested in them and didn't see the signs.  However, every time I talk about other guys, they tear the other guys down.  I wasn't even doing it to try to get a response, I was just talking about life, dating adventures, being single, et al.

Other Dates

New Leaf Guy is in Asia or Europe or somewhere.  As Victor Hugo said, "When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is out of mind."  We talked before he left and he's sent a couple of emails, but largely out of sight and out of mind.

I practice what I preach, I'm not "sorta with" him.  I don't get hung up on one guy unless there's some kind of DTR (define the relationship) talk, which would involve labels.  He's told me he is not dating anyone else, but that could always change, so I don't take it very seriously.  And, he hasn't asked me to stop dating other guys...

I've met a lot of guys organically, but not guys I'd like to date.  They are all spoken for and weren't shy about their relationship statuses.

I haven't been on any dates worth writing about.  Lots of the same.  No spark or guys who give me their resumes and ask me job interview questions.  On a positive note, fewer perverts!

Clever Lady

When I ran into this spectacular looking man the other night, one of his lady friends came over to talk to us.  She was acting like we may have met before and insinuated that she's met many ladies through him, so many that she gets them all jumbled in her head.  Clever lady, she wants him all to herself and wanted me to believe he's a Don Juan (which he could be).

Haiiii

I ran into a friend of a friend at a bar over the weekend.  We've met before and I've always found him to very very very good looking.  He wants to "get together" and mentioned this about five times.  We'll see if he follows through.  I don't think he will because the first time we met, he handed me his business card and expected me to pursue him.  I get the sense that there are many ladies after him, which is expected, and it also means he's not interested enough unless he actually tries to get together with me.

Even if I never see him again, it was fabulous to see his pretty face.

Sorta With

I've been thinking about what I'll call the "sorta with" phenomenon discussed in NYT's Modern Love.  I think everyone's been "sorta with" someone.  I've certainly done it when I was younger.  And looking back, I know what was wrong with it.  The guy (or I) just wasn't interested enough.  If I really liked him or if he really liked me, there wouldn't be "what are we" thoughts.  Someone would say what they want, maybe with a label or maybe without one.  I think when there is a label, both parties are more "serious" about getting together.

If you are "sorta with" with a guy, it's been a while, and you want something more; he's not interested enough unless he makes it official.  A guy who is really into you won't want you on the dating market, he won't want you dating other guys, he won't want you to be "single," and he won't want to entertain the possibility of you dropping him for another guy.  He'll want you all to himself!  He shouldn't get to have you if he doesn't think you could be "the one" or he's just waiting for something better to come along.

I know I want someone who makes it clear he is interested (if I am interested in him).  So let's save the headache and stop this "sorta with" business and make it official or part ways. 

NYT Modern Love

Saw this on facebook and skimmed it.  It talks about being sorta together with someone.  In my opinion, someone who just doesn't seem interested enough.  It's late and I've had a few drinks.  Will write more later.

Proximity And Exposure

I read this and thought this would be interesting to share.  Proximity (distance) and exposure (frequency) amplify your existing feelings.  For example, that annoying coworker you can't stand.  The more you see him/her nearby, the more you want to strangle him/her.  Another example, that guy you really like.  The more you see him nearby, the more you like him.

Change Him?

I am not a woman who believes it's possible to change a man.  One of my girl friends has been trying to change her man for two years.  I don't think men change, take him as he is or leave him. 

Better yet, ask yourself, do his good characteristics outweigh him leaving wet towels on the bed, his fantasy football obsession, or his gun collection?  See the bigger picture, these are small "problems."  Serious drug issue, fine.  Wet towels might not seem as big of a deal, right?

I'm sure there are things about you he doesn't fully embrace...he might be seeing the bigger picture.

Good Things

I feel like good things are coming my way.  Kinda hokey.  So far, it has been a very good year...

Happy Mother's Day

Take your mom to brunch, call her, send her an email, do something.  She'll like it.

I remember thinking my mom didn't know anything when I was growing up.  What we know now vs. when we thought we knew it all.  My mom knew a lot more than I gave her credit for.  I don't know how she kept a straight face every time I said I was "studying" or "watching a movie" when I was at my boyfriend's house.

Wah Wah Wah

I can't recall the name of this, but in social psychology they have a name for when people get really mad at others, for things they don't like about themselves.  For example, you get ridiculously angry when people are late, 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 50 minutes, no difference; that would mean you don't like the part of yourself that runs late.
 
I talked about this in the comments of another post, but wanted to make sure everyone sees it.  When I read angry comments, 1) I think you must really not like the part of yourself that is a bitch, snob, elitist, aggressive, and whatever else I've been called over the years and 2) I hear "Wah wah wah..." from Charlie Brown.

Ex Girlfriends

A female friend told me men think about ex girlfriends.  Not, "I really want her back," but more "I don't believe she did that to me," "I can't believe she didn't protest when I broke up with her," or "I can't believe she dumped me" kind of thoughts.  Is this true?

Do women do this?  I only think about my ex boyfriends when someone asks me about them.  And I usually think, "On to the next."

PMS Does Exist

I saw a part of a TED talk about PMS and how it isn't scientifically proven.  It was presented by a woman scientist.  I shut it off and wholeheartedly disagree with her!  I've had this discussion with many girlfriends.  PMS does exist.

There are times of the month when I want chocolate.  There are times of the month where sappy commercials will make me cry.  There are times of the month when I am very anxious for no reason whatsoever.

Male readers, if it seems like there are times of the month where your girlfriend is "moody."  Be nice or vanish during those days.

A Change

New Leaf Guy (aka Last Chance Guy, needed to shorten the name) is still in the picture.  We saw each other at a friend's party.  We went separately and I knew I was leaving early because I had other plans.  He had brought a few women with him, which I knew he would.  One of them was someone he was interested in a decade ago and they never dated (this is what he told me before the party).  I don't think he wanted me to feel threatened and I wasn't.

I didn't have the "some sh*t is up" vibe, but I did notice a change in his behavior.  I'm glad he didn't take the jealousy path because trying to make me jealous only annoys me, which then causes me to withdraw and move on very quickly.  He's made it farther than other guys I've dated in the past months.  He was doing well and now...

Frankly, I know I'm a prize, and if he doesn't see it, you know what will happen.

Waiting Him Out

I touched on this in the comments area of another post, and it's worth bringing up.

I tend to think men who speak to me are interested in having sex with me.  This isn't something I dreamed up, this is something I learned in my late teens, twenties, and today.  I want someone who likes me for me, not because he just wants to "nail it."  I'd say men who are MIA within the first few dates 1) weren't interested enough or 2) were just interested in having sex (with me, anyone with breasts, anyone with a beating heart, et al).

I've found that the men who wait, like me (obvious, yes).  Sure, some men might continue the dating process because they think date four, five, six, or whatever arbitrary date number will mean sexing it up, but I find that the guys who are only interested in sex will lose their patience quite quickly.

And no, this isn't a game, it's me determining who is genuinely interested because that's important to me.  I am also determining who I am actually interested in.  I remember a line from Clueless, something about Cher being really choosy about her shoes, and they only go on her feet...

I don't want to sound like someone's grandma, but really, I think many women have sex with men they don't really know.  If you are comfortable having sex with men you don't really know, do continue, and no, I'm not judging.  I'm saying, please don't be surprised when they turn out to be assh*les, cheaters, drug addicts, car thieves, et al.  This is information one might come across if one gives the relationship more time to develop.  And wouldn't you like to avoid having sex with the assh*le, cheater, drug addict?  I sure would.

Back to Monday

I didn't want to start this again (back to Monday's post on that San Francisco Magazine article), but something is bothering me.

So, question (paraphrased) I asked one of my readers, TJ:

Why can't they (men who date/spoil hot young women and hot young women who only date successful older men) have a mutual interest in and genuine feelings for one another?  

I think we (as a whole, society, people, whatever) jump to conclusions too quickly and stick our noses where they don't belong.  If they are happy, why should we concern ourselves and judge?  I don't think we should.  I'm not sure if you noticed this, but I usually take the less socially accepted stance on things because I try to make a conscious effort not to judge others (and frankly, I don't give a sh*t about what other people are doing as long as it's not hate crimes, gang wars, et al).

I think I'm about to get a sh*t storm of angry comments.

Love At First Sight

This article talks about love at first sight.  From speaking with a variety of people, it seems like this happens to men more than women.

I've definitely experienced lust at first sight, don't think I've experience love at first sight.  According to this article, one of the ingredients to love is thinking the other person is interested.  Never really noticed this, but it does make sense if someone is more interested in another person because he/she thinks that person is interested in him/her.

San Francisco Magazine

I believe a reader left this article on sugar daddies a few months ago.

I find myself playing the "Is that his daughter or sugar baby" game when I walk around San Francisco.  Now that I've been made aware of this world, I think "sugar baby" is much more common than "daughter."

Getting paid to go on first dates (or any dates) would be spectacular!  I would go on more dates and want to kill myself less when I have a terrible date because at least he made up for it by compensating me for the time I wasted with him.

Pinpoint

I've been trying to pinpoint why I suddenly lost interest in the New Leaf/Last Chance Guy and I think it boils down to three things;

1. He spent our entire last dinner date talking about work.  He could have talked to a wall and it probably would've been just as nice of an experience for him
2. I think he's been doing and saying everything he thinks is "right" to get into my pants (no, we have not had sex) and him showing a lack of interest in my day/life/week/whatever became very apparent on the last date
3. He's coasting because he thinks he has me where he wants me and all effort appears to be out the window I am going to phase myself out

What now?  I am going be unavailable because I want to see if any positive feelings towards him reemerge (this could really be related to hormones and I could be overreacting).

That Was Unexpected

Well that was unexpected.  It's been less than a week since I started taking my large step back from the New Leaf/Last Chance Guy and well, I don't care.  I used to like him and now I don't.  Maybe it's hormones, maybe I finally see him for who he really is (not who I want him to be), maybe it's stale and old, or maybe it's something else.

I'd be curious to see if my opinion changes the next time I see him (next week).  We were supposed to have dinner tonight, but I cancelled because I'm so not feeling it right now and need time to go by to see if this is a phase or my new reality.

Friends With Benefits

Had this exchange with an Anonymous reader from the Sexpecation post.  Think it's important enough for it's own post.

Question:  Speaking of sex and relationships, have you ever ended up in a friends with benefits situation, when at first you were dating and it kind of headed that way. It's that way with me right now and I feel kind of...disrespected

Answer:  Sorry this is happening. I think it has happened before and is quite common. When I sense that's what's happening I pull back and won't see him unless he asks me on a date, none of this "hang out at his place" kind of thing. Has it been established that you are "friends with benefits" or is he being a lazy boyfriend?

Question:  We haven't established anything actually. After 3 months of dating I asked him where this was going and he didn't want to commit. I haven't met any of his friends, he doesn't include me on events he goes to...Yet he comes over to hook up and we go out to dinner here and there. 

Answer:  Sorry to hear! I would start being very very unavailable and busy. If he thinks you are dating other guys, good. If you really are dating other guys, even better! Basically, he'd figure it out fast; if he wants to continue with you, he needs to commit before you are scooped up by someone else. If he doesn't want to continue with you, you don't waste time on a guy who never will. Either way, I think you deserve someone who is dying to get you to be his girlfriend! 

A Large Step Back

I've been taking a large step back from the New Leaf/Last Chance Guy.  I will continue to go on dates when he asks and be pleasant; that's where it ends.  I am not going to try to determine how much he likes me.  I like him, but as we all know, actions speak louder than words.  He's done some good things, but he also done some not good things.

Until he shows me he's 100% in, then why should I think about it?  He's either very interested or not interested enough.  If he doesn't show me he's very interested, I am taking a mental hiatus.  If he shows me he's not interested enough, his loss.

Sexpectation

When I was in high school, no boys expected sex for months.  From an especially friendly girlfriend of mine, 2-3 dates is what she does.  Sure, that could work for her, but that doesn't work for me.  I won't even tell someone my last name at the second date.

What is the sexpectation today in the 35-55 age bracket? 

Wrong

When I meet a married man and he talks about his wife and kids, I think that's a very clear sign that he's not coming on to me because he's talking about his wife and kids.  Am I wrong?

Business

A new guy has been taking me out for dinners to talk about business.  Something tells me it's not just business.  Why?  He always pays, the conversation always gets personal, we always get dessert, and he always insists on picking me up and dropping me off.

This is not right, he's married with two very young children.

Something Is Off

Although this New Leaf/Last Chance Guy has been doing better, I'm still not convinced that he's a long term prospect.  I like him, but I do think something is off and I am taking off my rose colored glasses.  Is he telling me what he thinks I want to hear or acting the way I want him to act because he was almost disqualified?  Part of me thinks so, the other part doesn't, it's 50/50.

Nevertheless, I should focus on finding more guys, a lot more guys without the help of the Internet.  This might be difficult.

Spring Is In The Air

Spring is in the air.  I've heard from several online guys I met and disqualified.  I've also heard a lot from the guys I just stopped responding to (inappropriate emails, didn't set up a first date in a timely matter, et al).  I'm not responding to any of them.

Fewer Online Dates

I alluded to this in a comment from a few days ago, thought it deserved its own post though.  I've greatly reduced the number of online dates I've agreed to go on because you can't see or feel spark over the internet.  I know this also greatly reduces the number of guys I meet.

Been thinking about this and for me, if there is no spark on date one, then I'm just not into him.  I can go out with him a ton, but it just ends the same way.

A New Leaf

So this last chance guy has turned a new leaf.  We went to a very nice dinner over the weekend and talked a lot.  He seems pretty genuine this time around.  What motivates a guy to set things in motion?  Knowing that he's about to be disqualified.  I didn't need to tell him this.  Guys know when they do something wrong.

Then Again, No

That guy I went out with earlier in the week is not someone I want to see again.  He emailed me around 10 pm last night saying he had a great time and wants to see me again.  Then he emailed me at 8 am this morning saying, that my lack of response must mean I'm not interested.

That second email made my very angry.  It's been less than 12 hours and that includes times when people are normally sleeping.  I could have been at the bar til 2 am and slept until 8:30 am or a ton of other scenarios.

I will not respond to him because he seems unstable.  If he's behaving this way when we went out once, it'll get worse.  He seems very insecure and needs a lot of attention.  Even if there was a spark (there wasn't), I would not go out with him again.

No Spark

Went to dinner tonight with a new guy tonight.  He was nice, but no spark.  If he asks me out again, I'll try again.

His Last Chance

This guy who was keeping me on the hook is back again.  I thought I was so bored with him that I wouldn't even want to see him .  I was wrong, meaning my momentum theory is wrong or I like this guy way more than I thought I did.  Or, when he's out of site, he's out of my mind and the reverse, which doesn't depend on my level of interest?

I'd normally tell women to run from a guy who doesn't seem interested.  The whole time he was MIA, he did invite me to startup related group activities every week when he was up in the city.  He lives in South Bay and works in the startup world in South Bay,  He explained that he wanted to see me, couldn't one on one, and thought group activities would be better than not seeing me at all.

I know he could be full of sh*t and I'm fairly certain he's not dating other women.  I feel like something has shifted and my disinterest, being busy with my own life, and boredom has caused him to freak out (some of my guy friends purposely seem really busy just to see how much the girl likes him, if she reacts, blows up his phone, throws temper tantrums, make demands, issue ultimatums, et al). 

Let's see what he does this time around.  It's his last chance!

Dating Momentum

I thought I've talked about this before, but I can't find it anywhere, which brings me to how have I not talked about this before???

So, related to an earlier post, I believe in dating momentum.  Let's say you meet a guy you really like.  You go on a few dates and you continue to like him.  Then you don't see him for a long period of time because of travel, family, friends, illnesses, work, natural disasters, et al.  Even though you really really liked him before, your interest level is almost at zero because you haven't seen him in weeks, months, years, et al.  Because you liked him a lot in the beginning, your interest in him stayed around for a longer period of time, but it's nonexistent when too much time has gone by and the momentum is gone.  You might even be bored.  Is this the same for guys?

Some would argue, but if you are in love with each other, not seeing each other for a long time wouldn't matter and "distance makes the heart grow fonder."  I find that once the momentum is gone, it's hard to get back.

More Dating Apps

More dating apps.  Not using anymore new dating apps for the next several months.  Well, I haven't really used them all that much, but I have heard a huge increase in the number of people finding lasting relationships on Tinder.  Been logging in more often to see what's out there.  So far, nothing interests me.

Ode To Single Ladies

Someone sent this article about single ladies.  It basically talks about all the pros to dating an almost perpetually single lady.  I agree with the list and really appreciate this view, rather than the cat lady stereotype.

I have many lady friends who always have to have a boyfriend.  I do not share in this practice because I care about my time.  Many of these lady friends have almost endless lists of complaints about their current beaus, but continue to date them because they "like to have someone" - this has been the most cited reason.  How about date yourself, spend time with yourself, be by yourself until someone incredible comes along.  There's no need to settle for some guy just because you want to have someone.

Right Back At Him

I've mentioned this man before.  He's the one who I think is "keeping me on the hook" because he invites me to group activities, but not out on dates.  Well, right back at him.  I'm putting him on the hook too!  LOL.  If I were to see him again, I think I'd reignite his interest in me.  I liked him, but those feelings aren't exactly strong right now.  Next time I see him, it might reignite my interest or it might not.

To Be Fair

To be fair, this man does invite me to group activities, one on one dates are rare.  Is he cheap?  Is he unsure if I'd want to see him one on one?  Is he both?

Bored

Ladies, is this just me or pretty normal?

I get very bored, very fast when I think a guy is trying to keep me "on the hook."  This is usually the guy who stays in pretty good contact via texts, calls, emails, smoke signals, et al,  talks about doing things in the future without specifying a day, and you don't actually go on dates.

I think there is a guy trying to keep me "on the hook" and I'm bored.  If he really wanted to, he might be able to turn it around?  I don't know.  Would a grand gesture help?