Asking Myself Some Questions

Instead of thinking about men, dating, and relationships, I've been putting my energy into asking myself some questions.

1. If I didn't have to work for money and could do anything I want, what would it be and why?  
2. If I could live anywhere in the world, where would I live and why?  
3. If I could visit anywhere in the world, where would I go an why?

I think these are good soul searching questions for anyone who feels a little bored, confused, or just blah.

I'm sprucing up my apartment while I work on these questions.  I also bought new luggage so I have one less excuse as to why I'm not traveling the world.  I've noticed many people make excuses to themselves.  I'm one of them and I'm working to change that.  When I tell myself some kind of excuse, I've been asking myself, what am I avoiding or why is that my current thinking?  For example, I can't travel the world because I don't have an international sized carry on.  Now that I've bought one, I find myself saying, I can't go anywhere because it's hard to line up schedules with friends.  Well, why can't I go alone?  Of course, I can.

Cold Hard Truth

I'm glad I told that guy, "We aren't a good match" to his face.  Since we had only gone out that one time, my norm would have been to ghost him or tell him over text when he asked me out again.  Since he asked me to my face, I told him to his face.

That got me thinking about things.  I want the cold hard truth.  If a guy isn't into me, I'd WANT him to say "I'm not into you" (or some variation) vs "Work is so busy."  "I'm not into you" indicates something permanent, like, "I'm not into you...and never will be."  Great!  Thank you for being honest with me so that I can move on and find someone who will be into me.  "Work is so busy" leaves an open door...it's busy now, but it's unlikely that it will be busy forever, so you don't completely remove him from your dateable guy pool.

Same thing applies to the guys.  Don't you want a girl to tell you flat out that she's not into you instead of "My grandma isn't doing too well?"  Again, it's the permanent vs temporary thing.  "I'm not into you," tough to hear, but you move on and find someone who is into you.  "Grandma isn't doing well," is not permanent so you wait and hope.

So many people think they are being "nice" when they "let someone down easy" by making up some bullsh*t excuse or being vague.  Maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings or maybe they are being selfish because they don't like confrontation.

You do the other person a huge solid when you tell him/her the truth of "I'm not into you," "We aren't a good match," "I don't see you in that way," et al.  This lets him/her save time and mental energy, as well as, move on with his/her life.

Advice: Ambiguity and sugar coating are not helpful.  Be a big boy or girl and tell him/her the cold hard truth.  I'm not saying you should go into details "You're fatter than your photos," "Your voice is like nails on a chalkboard," et al.  I am saying you should make it very clear if you are not into them and never will be.

Cuffing Season

"Cuffing season."  Didn't know there was a name for this.  From my understanding it's the time around Thanksgiving to just after the new year where men and women try to find a boyfriend or girlfriend ASAP.

Unless I'm seriously dating someone, I like going to holiday parties, weddings, family events, et al by myself.  This way, if the guy is never to be seen again, I don't have to explain what happened to so-and-so.  And, you never know who you will meet when you go stag.  If you bring someone who you aren't really into, that might get in the way of someone new coming over to talk to you.

Let It Go

I don't know much about Buddhism, but I do know one of their beliefs is just to let it go.  That driver who cut you off?  Let it go.  That partner who cheated on you?  Let it go.  That promotion you should've gotten?  Let it go.

Things that bother me randomly pop into my head.  I'd like to say I'm able to just let it go, but that doesn't always happen.  In fact, sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of effort to let some of these things go.  It's usually relationship and dating type topics that takes me a lot of effort to let go.  I know one is suppose to be grateful and happy and that aids the process...  Perhaps, I'm going to get a book on Buddhism.

Breakups Can Be Great

Many dread breakups, but they can be great.  Why waste time with someone who you don't really want to be with or who doesn't really want to be with you?  I had dinner with a good girlfriend of mine.  She has not broken up with her boyfriend again, but she seems to be miserable with him.  They've broken up several times in the past.  She's almost always in tears because they are almost always fighting.  I'm sure they have good days, but there seems to be many more bad days.  Her self esteem is in the toilet since he's tells her she's stupid and can't do better.  I don't see how that's a good use of her time on this planet.

She has this "I love him" or "he loves me" reasoning.  Well, if he loves her that much, would he say such hateful things?  Wouldn't he want her to be happy even if it meant not being with her?  Wouldn't she want someone who thought the world of her, instead of constantly putting her down?

Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together.  They should appreciate the good times they managed to scrape together and realize the good times no longer exist.  Two good days out of 365 days is not a good ratio or relationship.

Ultra Fast Breakup Recovery

I think this will work for both men and women.  I highly recommend going on a date with someone new to get the ex out of your head.  Yes, it's hard, you're still sad, angry, et al, but I do believe it speeds up the breakup recovery process.  I don't know about you, but I certainly want an ultra fast breakup recovery.

Ultra Fast Breakup Recovery (1 and 2 are interchangeable steps):

1. Go on a date.  Just go.  You don't have to think s/he's "the one."  Go with an open mind and try to have a nice time.  It's just a date
2. Stop all communication with the ex.  Defriend the ex on facebook.  Unfollow the ex on instagram and twitter.  Ignore or block all of his/her calls/messages.  You get the idea.  Never ever reach out to the ex.  If the ex left a toothbrush at your house, throw it out, s/he can buy a new one.  If the ex left something of value at your house, mail it to him/her.  Do not see the ex.  The ex is a part of your past.  (If you want to get back together with him/her, move on with your life until s/he makes a compelling argument as to why you should give him/her the time of day.  Usually, that means fixing whatever problem that led you to wanting to break up.  You might not even want him/her back after you recover)

Just Not That Into You

Saw this article today and agree.  If someone ghosts, who cares why.  If they aren't making time to actually see you in person, who cares why and they just aren't that into you.  Why waste time and think about someone who isn't that into you?  Move on, meet someone who makes it very clear they are into you.

Three P's

Steve Harvey wrote a book about dating.  In it, he talks about the three P's.  A guy is very serious about you when he:

1. Professes - gives you a title, stakes his claim in front of others, et al
2. Provides - feeds, cares for, et al
3. Protects - self explanatory

I think there is some truth to this?  Guy I'm dating did not do any of these early on.  Now he gets worried if there's no food in my fridge or when I travel alone.  It's sweet, but not very exciting. I think I lack excitement.

Tylenol

I skimmed this NYT Modern Love piece.  Two things I focused on:

1. "If he doesn't want you, you don't want him" - I agree 100%. Why spend energy wanting someone who doesn't want you back?
2. Tylenol might help with a broken heart? - Facinating

The Best Way To Get Over Someone

I've heard the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  No, I don't practice this.  I do go on many many dates very soon after the end of a relationship.  Even if these dates are boring and awkward, it's nice to know there are many other fish in the sea.  Fortunately, none of the dates I've been on recently have been terrible.  However, I have gone out with guys who can't seem to stop talking and babble endlessly.

So, if you are having a bad breakup, pining after the ex boyfriend, et al, go on dates.  I know many will say, "I'm not ready to date."  Even if you aren't ready, go!  It's just coffee, a drink, lunch, or dinner.  Even if you find out those guys aren't the right ones for you, you'll know there are plenty of guys out there.

And, How Do I Feel?

I was talking to a girlfriend and she reminded me to stop thinking about how good he is on paper, how cute he is, et al, and concentrate on "how do I feel when I'm around him?"  Sometimes he is very cute, amazing on paper, and great days are great, but I'm very annoyed and/or enraged the rest of the time.

I already concentrate on feelings with new and old friends.  I have one friend who is always anxious and worried.  Every time I see her, I feel anxious and worried.  We aren't friends anymore.  I know how to do this with friends.  I need to start doing it more with potential guys in the dating/relationship area.  If you have the same problem (liking the idea of someone more than the reality), incorporating feelings would snap you out of it too.

Struck A Nerve

While I was taking a walk during lunch, I had a thought (this is not a new thought).  When I get hater comments, I know I struck a nerve.  If you want to dish it, know that you'll be taking it too.  That's not the point of this post though.  I've talked about this before.  If there is something I say which enrages you, ask yourself why.  Be more self aware.

I'll use that Anonymous comment from earlier this week as an example.  I think it bothers her that she doesn't get or isn't able to keep attention from men.  Maybe she's the girl who goes out with a guy two or three times and she never hears from him again.  Maybe she's the girl who goes out with all her friends and isn't approached while the rest of her friends are.  Maybe she's the girl who is still pining over an ex boyfriend from years ago.

Advice: Stick To Your Schedule

This is for women because I think women do this much more than men.

Stick to your schedule.  I know it's hard to say no when you really like him and he texts you to see if you want to go to dinner tomorrow night because his basketball game got cancelled, the night of your favorite spin class.  Go to your spin class.  If he surprised you with tickets for your favorite band, that's different.

You have friends, family, work, school, et al.  Why should put him first and accommodate his schedule?  Why should you stay out too late and feel like a corpse the entire next day because you agreed to meet him at 10pm for drinks after his basketball game ended? 

I've been too flexible with my schedule before and it was a big mistake.  The guy got complacent and stopped planning ahead because he assumed I'd be available.  He'd start sentences with "I'll let you know."  No.  I reset that by being very unavailable, which caused him to mind his Ps and Qs again.  Your time if valuable.  Even if you have nothing to do, it is still valuable.

Tinder Killed Dating?

Saw this article about Tinder, hooking up, online dating apps, non relationships, end of dating, et al floating around on facebook and it is disturbing.  I don't think tinder killed dating, it was already dying before tinder appeared on the scene.  Perhaps online dating as a whole started the demise of dating because people turned into commodities and meeting someone took on an online shopping feel.  The sense of scarcity disappeared because you could simply login and see hundreds of others hoping to meet someone (intention unclear).

Although the article talks about young people in their 20s, I am sure some of it applies to many of us who are out of our 20s.  The main point I got?  Men are trying to have sex with as many women as possible.  They will either flat out say they are not interested in a relationship or lead women to believe they are interested in a relationship in order to have sex with them; #2 is quite despicable.  And, women talking about how dating is dead.

I'd like to say:

• Men if you are just looking for sex, tell her that.  Do not appear to be interested in more in order to persuade her to sleep with you.  That's obnoxious
• Women, if you are just looking for sex, do not expect the men to want more.  If you are looking for a relationship, do not have sex with him until you are in a relationship

Advice: 5 Ways To Get Her To Text You Back

Someone emailed me this question, so how I do get her to text me back?  Ask her a real question.

1. Would you like to go out sometime?
2. Are you free Wednesday night?  Let's get a drink
3. I just got tickets to ___ for Friday night, would you like to come with me?
4. I'm going to Bay to Breakers, do you want to come?
5. I'd like to take you to dinner, what night are you free?

Advice: Have A Reason

For the men, if you contact a woman, have a reason.

This is something that I find incredibly irritating - when a new guy (you haven't had a date yet, a date hasn't even been set up yet, you went on one date, et al) feels the need to call/email/text for what appears to be no reason at all.  For example:

• Hi
• How are you?
• How's your morning?
• What did you do for the 4th?
• How was your weekend?
• What are you doing this weekend?  (Very ambiguous and stupid question, the woman doesn't know if you are trying to ask her out or if you are just nosy and want to know what she's doing this weekend)

If you aren't contacting me to ask for a date, then save it.  If we already have a date set up, there is no need to contact me every day with useless chatter.  We've never even met, do you really care how I am?  We are practically strangers.  You are more familiar with your Starbucks barista than you are with me.  And no, we aren't going to be able to "get to know each other" without actually meeting in person; texting me "How are you" every morning isn't going to help you get to know me or vice versa.

Perhaps this is the thing 22 year olds do?  Then leave it to the 22 year olds.  If you are communicating with someone in their 30s, I don't see this as being at all necessary.  I'm in my mid 30s and I'm too busy for this back and forth with no reason "chatting."  Sometimes I'm in meetings for six hours straight, then a three hour work dinner; that's nine hours right there.  So no, I don't have the time or interest in no reason messages.

More Dating Advice

I'm going to start giving out more dating advice.  No, I am not in a successful relationship with a wonderful man.  However, I have been on more than my fair share of bad dates and have heard more than enough stories to know a thing or two.  Also every guy I've ever gone out with at least 2x comes back around after they've been disqualified - perhaps they are bored or perhaps they haven't found "better," so...  Sh*t, right now I have a guy who is on my *ss and we've never even met before.

Reminder, if you don't like it, then don't read it.

Sayonara!

Sayonara!  New Leaf Guy appears well and uninjured, as I assumed he'd be.  He posted pictures on Instagram all morning.  That means he flaked last night.  This is the first time I've been stood up, by anyone.  And, he hasn't tried to contact me between the time of the date and now.

I'm not mad that he didn't show.  I'm thinking about it because I don't understand his logic or what he hopes will happen by flaking. As some readers have said in the comments of the last post, perhaps he was testing me.  I stand by the question, if he was really interested in me, wouldn't this be a very risky test?  This isn't going to get him back in my good graces.

This is why I don't give guys second chances (in his case it may have been more than two).  If I need to give a guy a second chance, that means he wasn't interested enough the first time around and/or I found his behavior to be horrible.  If he was very interested and acted as such, he wouldn't have needed the second chance!

Not Mad Anymore

I am not mad at New Leaf Guy anymore.  I gave myself 24 hours to be stark raving mad, but that's it.  He doesn't get to hold that power over me.  Being mad is a waste of time and energy.  For those 24 hours, I yelled, I screamed, I ranted, I raved.

Why was I so mad when he had just asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him?  Because I didn't think he had good intentions.  I started to think of all the things he had not followed through on (my biggest grievance with him).

Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm not, doesn't matter.  I think he was on his absolute best behavior in the beginning because he knew that's what he had to do, not because he wanted to be (this casts doubt on his interest level as a whole).  He had been slacking recently (too comfortable and/or getting complacent and/or letting his true self show).  All this added together with his flakiness thoroughly enraged me.

I should have known better.  I need to listen to my own advice and look at actions.  The whole reason why he's named New Leaf Guy is because he messed up a lot in the beginning (though I can't recall what he did).

I did finally answer one of his calls.  He was still making promises. LOL.  I'll believe it when I see it, and no, I'm not holding my breath.  I agreed to see him for a quick drink next week because I've invested months of my life already (I should place into practice the whole sunk cost thing).  Well, it'll likely make for a good story...

Genuinely Interested

Some reminders for myself and others who may need it.  If a guy is genuinely interested, it will show in his actions, don't listen to his words.  He'll plan ahead and pick a restaurant (because he agreed to do it or because he wants to impress you).  He'll happily pick you up and not b*tch and whine about the traffic he's endured.  He'll want to go away with you for the weekend, not just talk about it.  He'll want to help if it seems like you need help (this could be as simple as helping you put on your coat, assembling an Ikea shelf, mock interviewing for your graduate school admissions interview, et al).

I think every woman out there deserves a guy who is genuinely interested in her...