Advice: Have A Reason

For the men, if you contact a woman, have a reason.

This is something that I find incredibly irritating - when a new guy (you haven't had a date yet, a date hasn't even been set up yet, you went on one date, et al) feels the need to call/email/text for what appears to be no reason at all.  For example:

• Hi
• How are you?
• How's your morning?
• What did you do for the 4th?
• How was your weekend?
• What are you doing this weekend?  (Very ambiguous and stupid question, the woman doesn't know if you are trying to ask her out or if you are just nosy and want to know what she's doing this weekend)

If you aren't contacting me to ask for a date, then save it.  If we already have a date set up, there is no need to contact me every day with useless chatter.  We've never even met, do you really care how I am?  We are practically strangers.  You are more familiar with your Starbucks barista than you are with me.  And no, we aren't going to be able to "get to know each other" without actually meeting in person; texting me "How are you" every morning isn't going to help you get to know me or vice versa.

Perhaps this is the thing 22 year olds do?  Then leave it to the 22 year olds.  If you are communicating with someone in their 30s, I don't see this as being at all necessary.  I'm in my mid 30s and I'm too busy for this back and forth with no reason "chatting."  Sometimes I'm in meetings for six hours straight, then a three hour work dinner; that's nine hours right there.  So no, I don't have the time or interest in no reason messages.

Ghosting

Saw this NYT article on ghosting a few weeks ago and thought it'd be good to post because I occasionally use the term in this blog.  It talks about what it is (disappearing without a trace, explanation, et al) and why people do it.  I've done it before.  Why?  Because I didn't feel like the guy I was ghosting deserved a response.  I also felt that he should realize my ghosting was an end to the relationship, us dating, or whatever it was.

Terrifying?

Still haven't met up with this new guy and he's sent me 18 texts over 14 hours (that includes 8 hours where normal people are sleeping).  I replied to one text.  I don't think I should meet up with him, this is...terrifying?  And tremendously irritating.  The one text I replied to was him asking me out.  That's it.  The texts he's been sending me?  Nothing of substance, I just woke up, I'm going to the gym, look at this view, hi!!!!!, what are you doing right now, et al.  I repeat, we've NEVER met before.  I'm thinking about blocking him.  He reminds me of Smart Guy...

A Pair Of Actors

Aren't we a pair of actors.  New Leaf Guy acted like everything is fine (maybe he really thinks it is)?  I acted like I believed his lame excuse for flaking the last time we were supposed to meet and never brought it up.  I've already categorized him as flaky friend/kinda business contact weeks ago.  Remember, I want to avoid him bad mouthing me (he knows a tremendous number of people).

Dinner was?  He told me he missed me and I talked about a new book I'm reading.  While I was examining the menu, he kept suggesting I order the most expensive items (what I was already planning to do).  Food came and I stuck to non relationship related topics, work, business, sports, et al.  Every time relationship related topics came up, I changed the subject.  He did something new, he looked at every woman who walked by (eye roll, like no guy has ever done this before to try to get a reaction).  I gave him no reaction and it actually didn't bother me one bit.

He's traveling again all of August and part of September.  I am going peacefully and will simply turn down future invitations and blame it on work, family obligations, spin class, et al.  I'm not even tempted to tell him why he is disqualified (something I am often tempted to do).  He'll go on his trip and perhaps when he comes back, he'll have forgotten about me.  If he doesn't fade away on his own, I'll say something like I don't want to be with someone who travels almost all the time.

All The World's A Stage

All the world's a stage - Shakespeare

I agreed to have dinner with New Leaf Guy.  I am going to pick a very expensive restaurant and order the most expensive items on the menu to get the "flaking is bad" message out there (he should already know flaking is bad, flaking is bad in all settings, romantic, business, et al).  I am going to act like I believe his lame "I did let you know" excuse.  (I know many readers have said this Google Hangout/Chat issue is real; I would say about 2% of me believes it applies in this case.)  I don't care if it was a lie or the truth; I know it's over and we will be business contacts.

Why did I agree to dinner instead of my normal ghosting (what I really want to do)?  I need this to be peaceful.  SF is small, he knows a lot of people, and I don't want him bad mouthing me (something I can 100% see him doing).

More Dating Advice

I'm going to start giving out more dating advice.  No, I am not in a successful relationship with a wonderful man.  However, I have been on more than my fair share of bad dates and have heard more than enough stories to know a thing or two.  Also every guy I've ever gone out with at least 2x comes back around after they've been disqualified - perhaps they are bored or perhaps they haven't found "better," so...  Sh*t, right now I have a guy who is on my *ss and we've never even met before.

Reminder, if you don't like it, then don't read it.

Proceed With Caution

I've been talking to a new guy online (OkC).  I am going to proceed with caution.  He is a repeat emailer (he emails me several times before I even have the chance to read the first one).  Now, he's sending me "wish you were here texts" during the day and sappy goodnight texts.  We haven't even met in person yet.  He asked me out on a last minute date during the week and I had plans (not that I would have agreed if I hadn't already had plans).  He's also a repeat texter (he texts me several times before I even have the chance to read the first one).

This screams, "Proceed with caution!"  He could be one of those obsessive types I won't be able to shake. (Isn't that every guy?)

I Spoke Too Soon

I spoke too soon.  New Leaf Guy called yesterday and curiosity got the best of me.  Since I've never been stood up before, I wanted to know how he was going to play it.  He small talked about a variety of things while possibly noticing my curtness.

He said he was sorry he couldn't grab a drink Monday night and we should pick a night next week.  That's when I cut in and said he should have called to cancel.  He said he left me a Google hangout/chat message.  No, he did not.  He said he did, apologized that I didn't get it, and pleaded for me to see him next week.  I said no, busy all week.  (Complete lie, wasn't trying to be convincing, thought about saying, "I'll be washing my hair every night" to make it painfully obvious that I am lying.)  He asked me to think about it or name another day.

Here's what I think really happened.  Out of passive aggressiveness/anger/games, he stood me up on Monday and expected me to call/text every two minutes asking him where he was, which would have appeased his ego.  I did not react they way he expected me to act.  He freaked out Tuesday and tried to get my attention with Instagram.  Yesterday, he freaked out even more, broke down, called me, and made up some bull sh*t excuse.  I think I'm right about this because I've seen it before (not standing me up, but similar uncouth behavior) with two other very intelligent and very insecure men, The Brain and Smart Guy.

When I'm angry with someone, I won't talk to them until I've simmered down.  I don't care if they call me 100 times.  However, if I already had plans with him/her, I would have the courtesy to send a cancellation message.

My #1,000th Post

This is my 1,000th post.  Will I find the right guy before blog post #2,000?  Not at this rate, LOL.  I do enjoy being single and not going on bad dates...

God, I Hope Not

As some of you already know, the guys I know tend to reappear after several weeks, months, or years.  With New Leaf Guy, God I hope not.  He flaked after begging to see me.  Perhaps that was his way of saying f*ck you to me; I hope so because that would mean he won't be reappearing.  I'm not looking for problems or headaches here.

Sayonara!

Sayonara!  New Leaf Guy appears well and uninjured, as I assumed he'd be.  He posted pictures on Instagram all morning.  That means he flaked last night.  This is the first time I've been stood up, by anyone.  And, he hasn't tried to contact me between the time of the date and now.

I'm not mad that he didn't show.  I'm thinking about it because I don't understand his logic or what he hopes will happen by flaking. As some readers have said in the comments of the last post, perhaps he was testing me.  I stand by the question, if he was really interested in me, wouldn't this be a very risky test?  This isn't going to get him back in my good graces.

This is why I don't give guys second chances (in his case it may have been more than two).  If I need to give a guy a second chance, that means he wasn't interested enough the first time around and/or I found his behavior to be horrible.  If he was very interested and acted as such, he wouldn't have needed the second chance!

What?

What?  I agreed to meet New Leaf Guy for a quick drink tonight.  He was going to pick me up at 6:30 pm.  He never picked me up (even though he confirmed last night).  He texts when he's running late and calls if he has to stay at work longer than he had intended.  He's never flaked on a date before.  This is strange.  I surprised myself because I wasn't even angry.  He's let me down so many times that my expectations are nonexistent, it's like I've become immune to his bull sh*t, wonderful!

I'm a little concerned (not concerned enough to call him).  I don't know if something happened, but I do know that I equate flakiness with treating me like sh*t.  No one needs that in their lives.

That New Guy From The Other Night

About that new guy I went out with the other night.  He was smart, good at holding a conversation, and very chivalrous (I attribute this to him not being an engineer).  He asked questions in a way that didn't feel like an interrogation.

Unfortunately, he asked terrible questions, such as, how has a gorgeous girl like you never been married, what happened in your last relationship, tell me about your ex boyfriends, how do you like online dating, do you own your place?  Makes me think he was researching SF dating dynamics, online dating from a woman's perspective, ex boyfriend stories, and why single women are single in San Francisco.

I did not feel a spark, I don't think he did either.  I left it as, thanks for a nice evening.

7 Drawbacks To Online Dating?

This Huffington Post article talks about the 7 Drawbacks to Online Dating, which include the feeling of endless options, non committal parties, trolls, shaky compatibility algorithms, et al.  They missed the most obvious online dating problem, meeting in real life and having no spark (chemistry, real attraction, connection, et al).

Not Mad Anymore

I am not mad at New Leaf Guy anymore.  I gave myself 24 hours to be stark raving mad, but that's it.  He doesn't get to hold that power over me.  Being mad is a waste of time and energy.  For those 24 hours, I yelled, I screamed, I ranted, I raved.

Why was I so mad when he had just asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him?  Because I didn't think he had good intentions.  I started to think of all the things he had not followed through on (my biggest grievance with him).

Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm not, doesn't matter.  I think he was on his absolute best behavior in the beginning because he knew that's what he had to do, not because he wanted to be (this casts doubt on his interest level as a whole).  He had been slacking recently (too comfortable and/or getting complacent and/or letting his true self show).  All this added together with his flakiness thoroughly enraged me.

I should have known better.  I need to listen to my own advice and look at actions.  The whole reason why he's named New Leaf Guy is because he messed up a lot in the beginning (though I can't recall what he did).

I did finally answer one of his calls.  He was still making promises. LOL.  I'll believe it when I see it, and no, I'm not holding my breath.  I agreed to see him for a quick drink next week because I've invested months of my life already (I should place into practice the whole sunk cost thing).  Well, it'll likely make for a good story...

First Date With A New Guy

I was on a dating hiatus.  Dipping a toe back in, online dating, here we go...again.  First date with a new guy this week, we'll see if he gets a name.  He asked me out over a week ago, 40s, lives in San Francisco (fewer than 15 minutes away by foot), works in finance, and that's all I remember.

Perhaps this one will be different.  I have zero expectations (good or bad).  I'm just going to go, eat a nice dinner, and have a nice conversation (please please please no job interview type of questions or interrogation).

Independence Day

It's Independence Day tomorrow.  My married lady friends are always telling me to enjoy being single because the other side is overrated.  That's interesting coming from the married ladies.

I do like being on my own, perhaps too much...

Genuinely Interested

Some reminders for myself and others who may need it.  If a guy is genuinely interested, it will show in his actions, don't listen to his words.  He'll plan ahead and pick a restaurant (because he agreed to do it or because he wants to impress you).  He'll happily pick you up and not b*tch and whine about the traffic he's endured.  He'll want to go away with you for the weekend, not just talk about it.  He'll want to help if it seems like you need help (this could be as simple as helping you put on your coat, assembling an Ikea shelf, mock interviewing for your graduate school admissions interview, et al).

I think every woman out there deserves a guy who is genuinely interested in her...