So, some people think the "slow fade" is wrong, while others think it's perfectly fine. Here is another perspective on fading out.
Have you ever applied for a job and never heard back from the company via form email, letter in the mail, etc? Doesn't it sometimes feel better when you don't get the official no? It's like, "Hey, I sent you a cover letter and a resume. You don't really know me, yet you are telling me "No" seven hours later?" This has happened to me and I got mad; I would rather hear nothing. In this case, it was one of five jobs I applied to, I forgot I even applied until I received the "Thanks, but no thanks email." True, I wasn't that interested in the job, but interest level didn't matter because I wasn't really interested in any of those five jobs.
I think the job application example is comparable to going out a couple of times (or more) with someone. Would he/she really better off hearing "I'm not interested" or hearing silence? When you tell him/her "I'm not interested," you are basing that off of a few dates (he/she probably has a pretty valid argument with "You didn't give it a chance, you don't even know me." Even if you went out with him/her on 10+ dates, he/she could still use
the "You didn't give it a chance, you don't even know me" argument.
"I'm not interested" or "We don't click" is just a waste of words. It puts him/her in the "What's wrong with me" and defensive camp. It also opens the door for him/her to 1) try to convince you to go out again or 2) want a reason as to why you aren't interested. Yes, I've had many guys try to talk me out of "I'm not interested." And, there's no nice way to say "I find you completely unattractive even after four drinks or you need a new personality." When I stay silent, the guy can think "Maybe she's just a bitch or maybe she's a flake, I'm better off and this is a problem with her, not me." With my silence, I am taking the blame, which is much better than some angry guy that just won't go away.
Also, aren't we overestimating our own importance when we assume it hurts someone by staying silent? Maybe they are so busy with work, life, or dating 12 other people to even notice that you didn't respond to their text/email/call.
I absolutely hate to say this, but sometimes the slow fade, especially after just 1-3 dates, is FINE. It conveys the same thing as an "I'm not interested" text without the sting. I'm really sensitive, and sometimes I'd rather just not see it.
ReplyDeleteNow, any more than 3 dates, and especially if there's been some intimacy (even just hot making out), I think a text is polite. It's hard to be the sender, but it's the adult thing to do.
Oh Sabrina, you've definitely been out with much nicer guys! So, what if, you went on let's say five dates with a guy, there was no intimacy (unless a peck counts), and every time you saw him, he became jerkier?
DeleteYeah, that was me catering to his social awkwardness (which really felt more like jerkiness and general unawareness), never again!
DeleteAlthough I think the job search/dating comparison is a very good one, I'm not sure it holds up in this instance. Employers will often not contact you as a way of keeping you in the mix while they look for someone better.....or better suited I should say. But when someone you went out on a date with doesn't respond to you it is most likely because they aren't interested. I think 3-4 days is the normal limit within which you can play the busy card.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think if the guy is a nice guy and you just aren't attracted to him I think he deserves at least a text telling him so. I've had girls do both to me and I found that the disappearing act felt very disrespectful. But when a girl is upfront with me about her interest, I was able to move on much faster. IMO a real woman will always be upfront with a guy.
Now if a guy is a jerk then all bets are off.
Totally agree with J. There's no easy way of doing it, but ignoring someone is just rude, IMO. Ditto on the jerk sentiments.
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