Breakups can be great and divorce can be even better. Many people seem to be afraid of divorce. Sure, there are emotions and money involved. However, once those are taken care of, each party has the rest of their lives to be happier alone or with someone else. I have friends who've met with countless divorce attorneys and won't file for 10+ years because of alimony, child support, et al. Well, alimony won't go away. And one would lose more in terms of time than money if one values 10 years (or any amount of time) of his/her life? Is another 10 years of misery not worth $____? And if one worries about what his/her friends and family will think, is his/her happiness not more important than what others will think?
I had lunch with a guy friend of mine this week. He's been married for decades. He is hesitating on filing because he doesn't want his wife to have the "divorced lady" stigma. I don't think that stigma exists anymore. He's been unhappy for decades and sees himself doing this great thing for her by cheating (Tinder is his favorite app) because what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Well, I think she's known for decades and it's not fair that he's taking away her real chance of happiness with someone else (or alone).
I had dinner with a guy friend of mine last week. He got divorced. Even though he is paying many thousands in alimony a month, he says it's worth every penny. He said the process was terrible, but at the end, he's much happier now than he was when he was married. He's been divorced for about nine years now.
How many divorced friends do you have??? Do you know what is even better than breakups and divorce? Not marrying in the first place so you don't end up owing alimony and child support for the rest of your life. Normally I love reading your blog but this is shit advice with no basis and way off base from your usual tales of dating awkward SF tech nerds.
ReplyDeleteMore often than not the man gets the short end of the stick in the divorce. Case in point your friend who's owing thousands of $ each month to support his ex-wife. He might be happy but he's probably broke. And your friend who's been unhappily married for DECADES who's afraid of his wife being stigmatized sounds like an emasculated loser. Ending up like him is my biggest nightmare.
I agree, don't marry the wrong person. But if you have married the wrong person, you argue that you should stay with that person until you die?
DeleteMost of my friends are divorced or have met with countless divorce attorneys. They may have chosen the wrong person, been too young, been pressured by their parents, etc all. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I know many who have gotten divorced in their 50s and regret waiting so long.
My friends paying hundreds of thousands a year in alimony doesn't even make a dent in their take home. These are people in the 1%
Of course your friend in the 1% is happier now. He's super rich and alimony payments are pocket change for him. However the remaining divorced men in the 99% who have normal jobs and incomes typically wind up in financial ruin having to pay most of their income to support their ex-wives and children. So yes, they may be free and clear of being married to the wrong person, but their lives are completely screwed up, both emotionally and financially. Your post title should be changed to "Divorce Can Be Even Better (if you're a woman)". Ask any divorced guy with an average income how his divorce went and you'll understand.
DeleteYour statement is unfair. As I have stated before, my sister is divorcing her husband of 19 years (who didn't support the family financially in I don't know how many years) and she's facing the alimony payments and she's a woman... She's a woman who has worked really hard with the husband who "couldn't find a job" for years and who now claims he was a "stay at home dad", haha (bitter laughter). He couldn't even wake up in time to take their child to school... I don't mean to rant but here is an example for you that women don't always benefit from divorce.. People who make less money or don't make any money benefit from divorce.
DeleteAlso anonymous - you sound like a jilted man. But statistics show men rarely fight for 50/50 time with their children. And you dont consider the reason for divorce - ranging from cheating, to beating - to just plain unhappiness, which WILL rub off on your children you don't know why they divorced. Most women I believe could easily answer this question "If your child was miserable in her marriage, would you support her to leave".
Deleteor you decide to take every other weekend and not fight for 50/50 custody. You're a dummbass today if you don't have a prenup if were talking alimony.
DeleteI support the idea of divorcing rather sooner than later, and for very practical reason: the longer the marriage is the bigger the alimony... My sister i going through it right now. Her ex-husband is suing her for alimony... She's been thinking about the divorce for the past 10 years but was afraid for all the obvious reasons: money, time, process, paperwork... Had she divorced him 10 years ago, the process would be easier and quicker...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you and your sister are going through this. It's great that you are doing it now rather than waiting. I agree, it would've cost less 10 years ago. Although you can't get the last 10 years of your life back, you are saving another 10 years by doing it now rather than waiting.
DeleteI know someone who had a terminal illness and refused to die knowing he'd still be married to "her." His dying wish was a quickie divorce and she gave it to him. He was incredibly grateful.
Basically, if you've thought about it for years, fight all the time, fallen out of love, changed as people, et al, and don't want to save it or just plain want out, go get that divorce attorney. It may sound grim, but what if you get diagnosed with a terminal illness? Die in a car accident? Et al? "Later" will be gone in the blink of an eye
I completely agree. I also think men and women alike learn a lot about what did and did not work. I'm in my 30's and the pool isn't small, because everyone who got married way too young are now divorced, and the pool is bigger than ever. The only fear I have in the back of my mind is having children...and we don't have a choice over our bodies clock. But I want someone who is the right fit, I want a strong, happy, crew as I like to call it. But honestly so many people in their 20's are getting divorced, it's made me feel far more secure, and happy I didn't marry the ass I was with at 20.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I agree, the pool is getting larger! That's great! I believe men and women do a lot of growing up in their 20s. Some turn out to be completely different people by the time they turn 35
Delete"Most" of your friends are divorced? Sheesh, I'm your age and almost none of mine are. And because you'll ask, I'll note I live in SF and yes, work in tech.
ReplyDeleteDivorce isn't an affordable option for some. During the 2008 recession, I read about couples who HAD to stay married because they couldn't afford to get divorced. Or couples who were able to get divorced but couldn't move to separate places.
You're not even factoring in children. Divorce may be better for the two married people, but it can be really traumatic for children. Some people may argue that it's better for kids not to be around fighting parents, but not all divorcing couples fight all the time.
The point is, this is a really blatant statement. This and your "advice" about getting over breakups just seems to show that you are running out of good subject matter to write about.
There are a few errors in your reasoning. 1) Not all my friends are in our age group. 2) Correct, not all unhappy parents fight all the time. However, you don't think many children are observant to know when things don't seem or feel right? 3) This topic is on my mind because 8 out of 10 people I meet/know are or have been considering breaking up and divorce for years.
DeleteIt seems like this is a touchy subject for you, as shown by your defensiveness. Why is that?
I come from a divorced home. From what I have seen, the earlier the better. I am more used to my parents being apart than together. I have friends whose parents waited....until 15 or 28 year old kids, and that has seemed to cause a lot of issues, compared to me adjusting to that life at 5.
DeleteHey Brie, I agree, the earlier the better!
DeleteAgreed. The more people I know that married in their 20's regret it, and you have to wonder about the ones that think it and just don't say it. My blog is http://www.the5thgoldengirl.com/ if you feel like checking it out. I'm in need of some blog advice!
ReplyDelete20s and even early 30s
DeleteAlso another reason why to wait 2 years before rushing into kids if you can, as they test even the strongest of relationships.
ReplyDeleteI just think divorce is never great. Hindsight is always 20-20, so it's easy to go back and be thankful you did it. But it is really hard - not to mention EXPENSIVE -in the moment and it's no wonder people put it off. Especially with kids involved. There's no correct formula there.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are divorced. They should have it done it much earlier, but they stayed together "for the kids." I suppose it was nice for them to think this way, but they really should have done it earlier. Everyone would have been happier.
DeleteI agree, a lot of people put it off because it's expensive. What people don't take into account though is time. Time is something you can never buy more of. What's worth more, time from your life you'll never get back or money (which one could make more of, borrow, steal, et al if they needed more)
or your childs feelings and the vibes and damage it causes the longer you wait. Money can be difficult, but for the people your raising, you can get loans, etc. Money can come from somewhere. In college I used to sleep on an air mattress all I could afford,and at 5 am I would have to reinflate it because it was broken. You make things work. lendingtree.com is even an option. But you don't wan to cause undo damage to your family.
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