I can't recall the name of this, but in social psychology they have a name for when people get really mad at others, for things they don't like about themselves. For example, you get ridiculously angry when people are late, 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 50 minutes, no difference; that would mean you don't like the part of yourself that runs late.
I talked about this in the comments of another post, but wanted to make sure everyone sees it. When I read angry comments, 1) I think you must really not like the part of yourself that is a bitch, snob, elitist, aggressive, and whatever else I've been called over the years and 2) I hear "Wah wah wah..." from Charlie Brown.
The reason your blog frustrates me sometimes is that I see you make the same mistakes over and over when it comes to choosing guys, and that you show NO willingness to change your habits. You shouldn't fundamentally change yourself to attract men, but it doesn't mean that you are a perfect being as-is. We all have things we can work on, especially when it comes to relationships and dating.
ReplyDeleteI used to follow the advice of not showing too much interest early on, I read the Rules and all of that. Then I realized that a) I'm bad at stifling feelings, especially positive ones and b) the type of man I want to marry someday will respond positively to my showing interest and not feel smothered.
One of the big mistakes I make is going down the same road as to how I meet new guys. So, where are some good places to meet guys? Not online, I think I've fully exhausted that one
DeleteI think it's great to show interest on a date. I don't believe in showing up at his doorstep uninvited with freshly baked cookies, constantly texting him to see if he wants to go out, et al (not saying you do this, just saying there are different ways of showing interest)
Have you considered a matchmaker? One of my good friends here just joined a matchmaking service after being frustrated with online. I plan to blog about this in more detail, but part of the service includes 2 consultations with a relationship coach. My friend didn't think she needed coaching, but has found it really helpful. I talk about relationships a lot in therapy; it is helpful in adjusting my mindset, expectations, and approach.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how Anonymous shows interest, but when I like a guy, I tend to be a little more accommodating and try not to dismiss him as much over little mistakes. Dating is tough on both sides, unless the guy is a serial dater or ladies' man, but who wants that anyway.
Hey Sabrina, let us know what happens with your friend and her matchmaker!
DeleteI can safely say, I've maybe met one serial dater in SF, the many others need much more refinement to fall into that category LOL
AG, I think you're referring to psychological projection (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection). I know exactly what you're talking about, because I've caught myself being irritated at others for things that are really just negative qualities I see in myself. The tardiness is a bad example, in my opinion, because I'm ALWAYS prompt and/or early, and people being late is a huge pet peeve of mine.
ReplyDeleteAs for comments on your blog - I think in some cases you're right. But you know that when I first started reading your blog, I was one of the people who ranted about your attitude and said you seemed like a nasty person. At the time, I was definitely bitter and likely projected that into my response. I still think sometimes you can be a little harsh, but I also believe you're just another woman who is frustrated by the dating scene here. As am I.
Meeting people. I've said this before and I'll say it again: Do the stuff you love, hang out with friends, and meet people that way. That's how I've met most guys I've dated here. Besides that, I'm starting to think online is the other way to go. It just doesn't seem feasible to meet people out and about or in bars around here.
Hi TJ, thanks! Projection is very interesting and if more people knew about it, I think it would do a whole lot of good for society. Less of the whole pot calling the kettle black kinds of things.
DeleteYou are right, I am probably harsh at times because I feel like I'm attacked a lot. It's hard to know how a person is "talking" without having heard them in real life.
Has the dating scene gotten better for you? I hope so! Do keep us posted on your online adventures. Stuff that I love would mean he's not straight, LOL
Hi AG, I've been reading your blog on and off as my female friends complain about the dating scene in SF. I give them feedback from the male point of view. I've read some of the horrid stuff that they get online from potential suitors so I know it's a minefield but I also feel that somehow we're living in 2 different cities.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, we probably have the same type of professional friends/acquaintances--Ivy league grads, MBA, MDs, JDs, but I must run with a more laid-back, outdoorsy crowd so I don't see the douche-baggery anymore. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I actually was put off by a lot of the guys I met (out of shape guys who would complain about the lack of talent at a bar (this was a Jewish guy with an Asian fetish) or married folks out on the town (another married white JD hit on a friend of Asian friend of mine after I just met him and his Asian wife at a Xmas party)). Just not the type of person I'd want to be friends with.
The bulk of my newish friends in the Bay Area are outdoorsy/fine arts graduate educated women and their boyfriends (who tend to be calm outdoorsy types). That's it-I cut out most of the drinking/party scene unless it's an important social event.
Maybe that's it-stick with the people who aren't in "the scene"? My friends and I are getting engaged and married off so it can happen here in SF.
On a final front, you obviously have some self-awareness of how attractive you are. That being said, there really are a whole lot of very very highly educated, cute to attractive, and athletic women in SF--look at the Stanford MBA class every year and nobody I know seems to get sexually harassed as much as you have in this blog....
And I'm not saying it's your fault. It seems you live in some hedge fund/investment banking world that I'm happy not to be a part of.
DeleteThanks for the note, Anon. You are right, your professional friends/acquaintances are very similar to the ones I have who I've also heard spew about "the lack of talent." I almost exclusively get hit on by married men, it's something I've really noticed in the last six months. I've met them through friends, at meetup type of events, work events, et al.
DeleteThe biggest *ssholes I've met who have said very obnoxious things to me were from match.com. I would not recommend that site to anyone, unless they like hearing, "You are so hot, I want to f*ck the sh*t out of you" on a first date. In the looks department, I can hold my own, but I would never claim to be a 15 on a 10 point scale. That brings me to - I meet the wrong men and would be harassed much less if I met the right men/traveled in a less douchey circle.
How did you and your friend meet your fiances and how did you meet your new non professional friends?