I don't think I posted this back in June, but I really should have. This article talks about living together and breaking up.
I personally do not want to live with a guy before marriage because I feel that it makes it too easy to call it quits. If you are ready to say, "This person is the one," a "trial run" should not be necessary. If you are really into him (into him enough to say yes to a proposal), you can deal with the toilet seat being left up, or get one of those high tech ones that lower the seat on its own. She's a slob, get a housekeeper. He monopolizes the closet, use another or go to Ikea to get something. She likes reality TV, doesn't mean you have to watch it with her. You see my point.
It's too easy to quit things in general these days. Don't like an app you downloaded, delete it. Don't like your new phone, trade it in/sell it on eBay. Don't like your job, get a new one. Remember hearing about the days where an employee would be with the same company for 25 years? Not saying that's a great thing to do, but it does show the ability to work it out. I am sure being at the same company for 25 years is not all puppies and rainbows, but people had the ability to compromise and make it work. Switching costs in most areas of life is just too low these days.
I want a guy that will try to work things out rather than just bail. Yes, sometimes it's inevitable to bail, but at least put in some effort to make it work (or choose better).
I could make both arguments, but I think that's the lesson. Each situation is unique. I lived with my ex for 5 years. We were roommates for the first year then ended up together. We would have never hooked up if we were just friends. But we both found something in the other person that we liked through sharing a living space. I could see it happening the other way. You live with a BF/GF and over time discover some things about them that you don't like and maybe you can work through them. Or maybe you discover it's not what you want.
ReplyDeleteBUT, it's a big but. Things got rough near the end for me and her while I was going through a tough time and she bailed. She suffered in quiet and never really told me or gave me the chance to fix things. The reason she was able to bail is because I allowed a good friend to move in for a few months while he got established in SF. She used that opportunity to break up with me and move out figuring that I had a friend right there ready to take her spot and offer me support.
Now I'm not going to say that if my friend never moved in that she never would have left me. But I think I would have had the chance to work things out. I could also say that about if we were married. It does give you a reason to work on things rather than just bailing.
So is the lesson to not postpone marriage ?
ReplyDeleteOr, not to live with someone? One of my friends just got engaged. She never lived with her fiance even though he brought up moving in together several times. They see each other twice a week and have been together for a year. They are now getting married in January
DeleteThe lesson was not to allow yourself to fall into complacency and to not dump all your depression and frustration onto your loved ones. Sure, you want them there for support, but there is such a thing as too much. Oh, and find a girl who knows how to communicate like an adult.
DeleteI don't look at marriage as relationship protection, nor should anyone. Sure, it might have bought me some more time. But I still would have had to come around to seeing and fixing my problems. Marriage to me is really only a formality for two people who are in love.
The lesson was not to allow yourself to fall into complacency and to not dump all your depression and frustration onto your loved ones.
ReplyDelete/\ Yes. This. A hard lesson to learn.
I cohabitated in my last relationship and I don't think I will do so again, for many reasons. Mine ended largely for the same reason as J's.
I try to look at it this way- if he couldn't stand the test of the hard times, it wasn't meant to be.
I think people bail way to easy. People don't seem to realize it takes a lot of hard work to make a relationship work out. People get hurt unnecessarily because people are so quick to bail out when things get hard. When are things not hard in a committed relationship?
ReplyDelete