Why Am I On This Date?

I went on a coffee date this afternoon.  I found myself thinking, why am I on this date? A) I should have asked for clearer photos before agreeing to meet him - my fault.  B) I think he wanted someone to listen to his enormous list of problems.  They included how expensive San Francisco is, his train wreck last relationship, his father passing away two years ago, and other topics you wouldn't normally discuss with someone you just met for the first time.  I didn't like the questions he asked me, also things you wouldn't normally discuss when you first meet someone - last boyfriend, darkest secret, broken dreams, et al.

Even worse than the "conversation" if you can call it that, he didn't understand my clear "don't touch me" signs and invaded my personal space.  An example, he tried to put his arm around me, I moved far away and was practically walking in the street.  He did at least five times before I shouted, "What are you doing??!?!!?" 

I ended the date when I saw him looking me up and down very slowly; I should have ended it sooner, but I was trying to be polite.

Professional Contact

I went out on a dinner date with this repeat guy.  He's nice, we had a better conversation this date, but I still don't feel a spark.  He made it very clear that he thinks there is a spark, would like to see me again, and it's up to me.  I don't see him as relationship material, but I do see him as a professional contact; something I don't think he'd like...

A Good Example Of A Reappearing Guy

I wasn't going to talk about Smart Guy again, but I do think he's a good example of a guy who keeps coming back.  (Background for new readers, we went on several dates in 2012, I was never his girlfriend - so, we weren't in a relationship, and I stopped responding to his messages.  Most of him is great on paper, late 30s, 6'+ tall, affectionate, attorney, lives in Peninsula/Silicon Valley, Ivy law school, works at a prestigious firm, likes to argue, socially awkward, condescending, et al.)

He emailed me a few weeks ago.  I'm still not responding to him (and never will) because I don't want to date/see him and he doesn't deserve a response.  I don't give him much thought (though I used to get angry when I heard from him), now I laugh my *ss off at his ludicrous messages.

So, why do I think he keeps reappearing even though I haven't responded to a message since 2012?  I suspect he's bored, I know he's socially awkward, and he probably hasn't found "better."

5 Reasons Why Guys Keep Coming Back

I was thinking about comments from Tuesday's post and came up why I think guys reappear, so...

5 Reasons Why Guys Keep Coming Back:

1. He's bored - work is slow, no one has replied to his OkC emails in months, his best friend moved away, yadda yadda
2. He's been hit with spring fever, it's almost the holidays, et al - seasonal
3. He's socially awkward - doesn't understand social cues/norms ("Leave me alone" means "Leave me alone")
4. He sees you as a challenge and likes challenges - also tied with ego "How could she not be interested in me????"
5. He hasn't found "better" - operating under his definition of "better" and whatever qualities he looks for

I think this list applies to all women who have that guy or those guys who keep reappearing after she said no to a date, went on a date, went on a few dates, made her boyfriend, made her fiance...

I believe most of the guys who reappear in my life do so because they are bored (and the things that go with that); I don't take them very seriously.  If I've actually gone on a few dates with them and they contact me very often, I might start think it's because they haven't found "better."  No, I am not saying I am better than the other women (perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not).  I'm saying they came to the conclusion that I am "better," which is why they keep coming back even though I almost never respond. 

Ladies, don't be disappointed if guys don't reappear in your life very much, it's a good thing they don't.

Repeat Date

I have a repeat date this weekend.  He is someone I met for drinks at the end of 2014.  On our date, he asked very detailed questions about the rest of my night, week, et al and I got the sense that he was scorched/cheated on in his last relationship.  Our second date was supposed to be dinner, but I cancelled because I wasn't feeling well and I wasn't sure about him.  He did not accept my cancellation graciously, which was no problem.  So, I was shocked when he emailed and texted me every month since then.  I'm giving him another shot; it's just dinner.

Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day.  For me, it's always a reminder that we are about halfway through the year.  I finally gave this blog a facelift.  Other than that, nothing to report for the first half of the year.   How about you?

This Is What It Looks Like

I had a drink with a guy friends last night.  He's in his late 20s/early 30s and was talking about how he is absolutely totally in love with the girl he is currently dating.  They've been dating for a month, he plans on asking her to be exclusive in the next few weeks because he doesn't want to lose her to another guy.  And, sex is the last thing on his mind (he has not tried to move it into the bedroom).

This is what it looks like when a guy is really into a girl, none of this "sorta with" rubbish.

Interested Guy Friends

Want to know which of your guy friends might be interested in you?  Talk about other guys.  I have guy friends.  I never thought some were interested in me because I wasn't interested in them and didn't see the signs.  However, every time I talk about other guys, they tear the other guys down.  I wasn't even doing it to try to get a response, I was just talking about life, dating adventures, being single, et al.

Other Dates

New Leaf Guy is in Asia or Europe or somewhere.  As Victor Hugo said, "When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is out of mind."  We talked before he left and he's sent a couple of emails, but largely out of sight and out of mind.

I practice what I preach, I'm not "sorta with" him.  I don't get hung up on one guy unless there's some kind of DTR (define the relationship) talk, which would involve labels.  He's told me he is not dating anyone else, but that could always change, so I don't take it very seriously.  And, he hasn't asked me to stop dating other guys...

I've met a lot of guys organically, but not guys I'd like to date.  They are all spoken for and weren't shy about their relationship statuses.

I haven't been on any dates worth writing about.  Lots of the same.  No spark or guys who give me their resumes and ask me job interview questions.  On a positive note, fewer perverts!

Clever Lady

When I ran into this spectacular looking man the other night, one of his lady friends came over to talk to us.  She was acting like we may have met before and insinuated that she's met many ladies through him, so many that she gets them all jumbled in her head.  Clever lady, she wants him all to herself and wanted me to believe he's a Don Juan (which he could be).

Haiiii

I ran into a friend of a friend at a bar over the weekend.  We've met before and I've always found him to very very very good looking.  He wants to "get together" and mentioned this about five times.  We'll see if he follows through.  I don't think he will because the first time we met, he handed me his business card and expected me to pursue him.  I get the sense that there are many ladies after him, which is expected, and it also means he's not interested enough unless he actually tries to get together with me.

Even if I never see him again, it was fabulous to see his pretty face.

Sorta With

I've been thinking about what I'll call the "sorta with" phenomenon discussed in NYT's Modern Love.  I think everyone's been "sorta with" someone.  I've certainly done it when I was younger.  And looking back, I know what was wrong with it.  The guy (or I) just wasn't interested enough.  If I really liked him or if he really liked me, there wouldn't be "what are we" thoughts.  Someone would say what they want, maybe with a label or maybe without one.  I think when there is a label, both parties are more "serious" about getting together.

If you are "sorta with" with a guy, it's been a while, and you want something more; he's not interested enough unless he makes it official.  A guy who is really into you won't want you on the dating market, he won't want you dating other guys, he won't want you to be "single," and he won't want to entertain the possibility of you dropping him for another guy.  He'll want you all to himself!  He shouldn't get to have you if he doesn't think you could be "the one" or he's just waiting for something better to come along.

I know I want someone who makes it clear he is interested (if I am interested in him).  So let's save the headache and stop this "sorta with" business and make it official or part ways. 

NYT Modern Love

Saw this on facebook and skimmed it.  It talks about being sorta together with someone.  In my opinion, someone who just doesn't seem interested enough.  It's late and I've had a few drinks.  Will write more later.

Proximity And Exposure

I read this and thought this would be interesting to share.  Proximity (distance) and exposure (frequency) amplify your existing feelings.  For example, that annoying coworker you can't stand.  The more you see him/her nearby, the more you want to strangle him/her.  Another example, that guy you really like.  The more you see him nearby, the more you like him.

Change Him?

I am not a woman who believes it's possible to change a man.  One of my girl friends has been trying to change her man for two years.  I don't think men change, take him as he is or leave him. 

Better yet, ask yourself, do his good characteristics outweigh him leaving wet towels on the bed, his fantasy football obsession, or his gun collection?  See the bigger picture, these are small "problems."  Serious drug issue, fine.  Wet towels might not seem as big of a deal, right?

I'm sure there are things about you he doesn't fully embrace...he might be seeing the bigger picture.

Good Things

I feel like good things are coming my way.  Kinda hokey.  So far, it has been a very good year...

Happy Mother's Day

Take your mom to brunch, call her, send her an email, do something.  She'll like it.

I remember thinking my mom didn't know anything when I was growing up.  What we know now vs. when we thought we knew it all.  My mom knew a lot more than I gave her credit for.  I don't know how she kept a straight face every time I said I was "studying" or "watching a movie" when I was at my boyfriend's house.

Wah Wah Wah

I can't recall the name of this, but in social psychology they have a name for when people get really mad at others, for things they don't like about themselves.  For example, you get ridiculously angry when people are late, 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 50 minutes, no difference; that would mean you don't like the part of yourself that runs late.
 
I talked about this in the comments of another post, but wanted to make sure everyone sees it.  When I read angry comments, 1) I think you must really not like the part of yourself that is a bitch, snob, elitist, aggressive, and whatever else I've been called over the years and 2) I hear "Wah wah wah..." from Charlie Brown.

Ex Girlfriends

A female friend told me men think about ex girlfriends.  Not, "I really want her back," but more "I don't believe she did that to me," "I can't believe she didn't protest when I broke up with her," or "I can't believe she dumped me" kind of thoughts.  Is this true?

Do women do this?  I only think about my ex boyfriends when someone asks me about them.  And I usually think, "On to the next."

PMS Does Exist

I saw a part of a TED talk about PMS and how it isn't scientifically proven.  It was presented by a woman scientist.  I shut it off and wholeheartedly disagree with her!  I've had this discussion with many girlfriends.  PMS does exist.

There are times of the month when I want chocolate.  There are times of the month where sappy commercials will make me cry.  There are times of the month when I am very anxious for no reason whatsoever.

Male readers, if it seems like there are times of the month where your girlfriend is "moody."  Be nice or vanish during those days.

A Change

New Leaf Guy (aka Last Chance Guy, needed to shorten the name) is still in the picture.  We saw each other at a friend's party.  We went separately and I knew I was leaving early because I had other plans.  He had brought a few women with him, which I knew he would.  One of them was someone he was interested in a decade ago and they never dated (this is what he told me before the party).  I don't think he wanted me to feel threatened and I wasn't.

I didn't have the "some sh*t is up" vibe, but I did notice a change in his behavior.  I'm glad he didn't take the jealousy path because trying to make me jealous only annoys me, which then causes me to withdraw and move on very quickly.  He's made it farther than other guys I've dated in the past months.  He was doing well and now...

Frankly, I know I'm a prize, and if he doesn't see it, you know what will happen.

Waiting Him Out

I touched on this in the comments area of another post, and it's worth bringing up.

I tend to think men who speak to me are interested in having sex with me.  This isn't something I dreamed up, this is something I learned in my late teens, twenties, and today.  I want someone who likes me for me, not because he just wants to "nail it."  I'd say men who are MIA within the first few dates 1) weren't interested enough or 2) were just interested in having sex (with me, anyone with breasts, anyone with a beating heart, et al).

I've found that the men who wait, like me (obvious, yes).  Sure, some men might continue the dating process because they think date four, five, six, or whatever arbitrary date number will mean sexing it up, but I find that the guys who are only interested in sex will lose their patience quite quickly.

And no, this isn't a game, it's me determining who is genuinely interested because that's important to me.  I am also determining who I am actually interested in.  I remember a line from Clueless, something about Cher being really choosy about her shoes, and they only go on her feet...

I don't want to sound like someone's grandma, but really, I think many women have sex with men they don't really know.  If you are comfortable having sex with men you don't really know, do continue, and no, I'm not judging.  I'm saying, please don't be surprised when they turn out to be assh*les, cheaters, drug addicts, car thieves, et al.  This is information one might come across if one gives the relationship more time to develop.  And wouldn't you like to avoid having sex with the assh*le, cheater, drug addict?  I sure would.