Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I'm sure we all have things we should be grateful for; we just need to realize what.

So, even if nothing comes of it, I'm grateful for the guy I run into coming into my life.  I thought I was very over Ex Guy, but he was still able to annoy me by contacting me.  Although my annoyance was at a very low level, it was still present.  I think that's a sure sign that I wasn't as over Ex Guy as I thought I was.

After a variety of things like a long vacation and meeting two guys I have chemistry with (including the guy I ran into), I can honestly say I'm 100% over the Ex Guy. Going on a few dates with this one showed me just how over the Ex Guy I am.  The Ex Guy could show up on my doorstep, and I'd just close the door without any positive or negative feeling.  He's been made completely irrelevant.  And, that took way too long.  Had I met some guys I found interesting sooner, I think I would have been 100% done with the Ex Guy sooner.

I've heard that people come into your life at a specific time, for a specific reason.  I believe it.

Yes, I Went On That Date

Yes, I went on that date.  The date that I thought was two friends having dinner, not two people on a date.  I was wrong.  It was a date.  He referred to it as a date and was more dressed up than I had ever seen him.

It was a lot of fun.  He seemed much happier than the first time I met up with him.  Seeing him happier made him more attractive.  He's cute.  We have chemistry.  We had a lot to talk about.  We laughed a lot.  I left the date thinking, he's someone I want to see again.

Then, I thought about it some more.  We had a great time, but I'm not sure he's over his ex.  I don't want to be a rebound.  Sure, he could be truly over it, and I think if that were the case, he'd show me that.  Maybe he thinks he's over it, but really isn't?

He asked me out again, and I was busy.  He also asked me to meet him on an out of state business trip.  I feel like it's too soon for that.  Is he trying to 1) find someone to sleep with and thinks an overnight trip will do the trick, 2) move things along quickly (possibly to fill a void), or 3) it'd really be innocent.  Or, maybe someone else I haven't considered?

How am I going to handle it if/when he asks me out again?  It'll probably be a long time from now because of the upcoming holidays.  We are both going to be out of town a lot.  Time is good.  Time heals all wounds, right?

I'm not ruling him out, but I'm also not holding my breath.  If we're meant to go out again, it'll happen, especially based on our history of running into each other.

Friend Dinner

This guy texted me over the weekend and we're going out this week.  I like that he seems like a happy positive guy even though he's had a rough year and got out of a serious relationship.  I'm just going assume we are two friends having dinner, not two people on a date.  And a different guy from work asked me out today.

Seven Texts

This guy on a dating app asked me for my number.  I gave it to him.  He's sent me seven texts without me replying to one.  I've been busy and forgot.  Well, I wasn't going to respond to his "good morning" text because I find those to be a waste of time, especially since we haven't even met in person.  Then, I was at work for eight hours.  Then, I met up with some friends.  Then, he started emailing me on the dating app.

SEVEN texts and new emails on the dating app.  If a girl did this to a guy, people would call her "psycho."  And it's fine when a guy does this to a girl?

Don't Really Care Much

The guy I ran into at the airport, I ran into him again, at the airport!  We chatted for a few minutes.  He wanted to do something this weekend, but I already have plans.  He kept telling me to text him, but I have nothing to say.  And, I already have plans.  And, I see him as a work friend.  And, if he really wants to make plans, he can text me.  And, if he doesn't really want to make plans, no need to text me.  I don't really care much.

That's Not What I Want

I went out with a guy I met online a few weeks ago.  He seemed like a nice guy in person.  I tried very hard to get past his height.  He's much shorter than 5 feet and I'm shorter than the US women's average of 5'5".  We had a nice dinner and he asked me out again.  I agreed because I really wanted to give him a chance and get past his lack of height.

Days leading to the second date, he was texting me.  Then the texts took a turn, for example, "Let's go back to your place after dinner so we can have some private time."  I told him no and cancelled the second date.  To me, he's a guy who's just trying to get laid, and that's not what I want.  I do like that he was upfront about it because it saved me a lot of time.

A Month Or So Ago

Let's go back a month or so ago.  The guy I ran into at the airport texted me, a lot.  He's asked me out to lunch and we went.  He's a nice guy who I see at work every now and then.  I don't consider himself to be a long term prospect because he just got out of a serious relationship, has some young kids/baby mama drama from a different woman, and I'm not sure I find him attractive.  I don't find him unattractive, but that's not a great vote of confidence.  If anything, he'll be a work friend?  I wouldn't mind being his work friend, but from that lunch we had together, it seems like he's interested in more.

Back From Vacation

I'm back from my long vacation where I visited four countries in Europe.  I'm glad I had the opportunity to see new places, spend time with friends, and clear my mind. 

I told myself I'd be more open to dating and meeting new people after this trip.  Well, as soon as I landed in the US, one guy from the past (we never moved passed talking) sent me a message, and another I've worked with in the past asked for my number (we ran into each other at the airport).  I don't think either of them will go anywhere, but I will say that I will try to enjoy the process of spending time with them (should it get to that point) rather than dreading the whole dating thing.

Long Vacation

I still hear from the Ex Guy and I'm still not really talking about it because there's nothing to talk about.  I've asked myself a new question though.  Even if he did fix whatever needed to be fixed, would I even want him?  I don't think so.  The good times were so good and the bad times were so bad.

My focus has not been on dating for the last month.  I've been working on trip planning.  I am going on a long vacation this summer.  We'll visit three countries (at minimum) in Europe.  I think I usually take a vacation from dating over the summer?  It sorta seems like most of this year...

Not Yet

A few of my guy friends have gotten engaged recently.  I find myself thing, no thanks, not yet.  I'm not at that place.  Maybe if I met the right guy, I'd be at that place?  I'm not looking for the right guy right now though.  I'm not looking for any guy. 

I feel like there are a lot of things I need to take care of before I find the right guy.  For example, more travels with girlfriends I know I'll have a blast with.

Weekend In Paris

I was in Paris over the weekend with two girlfriends.  Well, a girlfriend and her friend.  I'm never traveling with her friend again.  Paris was beautiful and cold.  It was my first time there.  Most of my past big trips have been with men I've dated, guy friends, male family members; and, they've taken charge of the planning, transportation, dining, et al.

From this trip, all three of us learned that we don't need a guy to go on a big trip.  We can get around on our own just fine.  I had much more fun traveling with this girlfriend than any guy I've dated.

Asking Myself Some Questions

Instead of thinking about men, dating, and relationships, I've been putting my energy into asking myself some questions.

1. If I didn't have to work for money and could do anything I want, what would it be and why?  
2. If I could live anywhere in the world, where would I live and why?  
3. If I could visit anywhere in the world, where would I go an why?

I think these are good soul searching questions for anyone who feels a little bored, confused, or just blah.

I'm sprucing up my apartment while I work on these questions.  I also bought new luggage so I have one less excuse as to why I'm not traveling the world.  I've noticed many people make excuses to themselves.  I'm one of them and I'm working to change that.  When I tell myself some kind of excuse, I've been asking myself, what am I avoiding or why is that my current thinking?  For example, I can't travel the world because I don't have an international sized carry on.  Now that I've bought one, I find myself saying, I can't go anywhere because it's hard to line up schedules with friends.  Well, why can't I go alone?  Of course, I can.

On A Break

I've been on a break from men and dating.  I still check my various apps and sites about once a week, but my heart's not in it.  I think there's a lot I want to see and do before I meet someone.

I was talking to a girlfriend, she one of those girls who is almost never single.  She's also on a break from men and dating.  She's putting all her energy into finishing school and working a lot to get a new car.  Another girlfriend of mine has been divorced for about a year, she's on a break from men too.  She's focusing on getting a group of us together every month for a girl's trip.  Let's go!

The Who Didn't Matter

I haven't heard from that guy that I went out with a couple weeks ago and that's fine.  From the date, I got the sense that he was too fresh off his divorce, which was finalized not too long ago. 

Also, his followup texts rubbed me the wrong way.  Instead of suggesting we go out to dinner again, a movie, a hike, et al, he kept suggesting activities that would require a plane.  That seemed odd to me.  We just met and he was talking about trips to Europe and Asia with the closest destination being Mexico.  Sorta made me think he was just trying to get laid if he was skipping very ahead to overnight out of the country activities.  It also made me think he was just dying to get into another relationship and the who didn't matter.

Begging Mutual Friends

It's 2017 and I'm not supposed to be talking about the ex guy.  I will for a minute because I'd like to share what he's doing wrong.  He's been asking mutual friends to talk to me on his behalf.  That seems incredibly immature.  He knows what went wrong between us.  Instead of trying to fix the things that needed to be fixed (not that I think those things can be fixed), he's begging mutual friends to get involved.  When mutual friends bring up his name, I change the topic.

Like one of my resolutions for 2017, I'm not taking any guy seriously unless he gives me a reason to take him seriously.  And, with this guy, I do not take him seriously.  I am annoyed that he's trying to involve mutual friends.  I would just like for him to leave me alone.

More Of A Friend?

That Saturday night date was good.  We had a lot in common.  We had a lot to talk about.  He was sociable and aware of social cues.  Unfortunately, I don't know if there's a spark.  I think I see him as more of a friend?  If he asks me out again, I'll go.

He's been texting me, but hasn't asked me on another date.  I don't consider a date an actual date unless there is a time, place, and day.  He's been throwing out ideas of things for us to do.  I've agreed to the ideas, but there aren't proposed times or days, which makes me think he might not be that sincere or interested. 

Let's see if a second date actually gets scheduled.  If it does, fine.  If it doesn't, fine.

Feeling Pretty Good

I have a date tonight and I'm actually feeling pretty good about it.  He hasn't sent me one pointless text!  That's so great!!  His texts were very direct and he asked me out in his second text.  The rest of the texts were date logistics like time, place, day.  I like it when guys are to the point.  None of this "How was your weekend," "Hi," "What was your last vacation," et al texts.

No Longer Much Of A Crush

My new crush is no longer much of a crush.  We've been texting a little here and there.  I'd say he's not interested enough, I'm not interested enough, or both.  If either of us were that interested, we'd be finding a way to be in the same zip code, not exchanging pointless texts.  There's no point in saying "Hi" from time to time.  Even though we met in person and not online, I really hate "Hi" texts. 

He's getting the irrelevant treatment (part of my dating and relationship resolutions).  I have NO plans of replying to his next text (if he even sends one) unless it's a "Hey, I'm going to be in town, let's have dinner" type of message.

Five Dating And Relationship Resolutions

Currently, I have five dating and relationship resolutions.  I might add more later.  These are the ones that are most important for me right now.

1. Be more present.  I can't change the past and I can't predict the future.  Why waste time and energy thinking about either one?
2. Accept things as they are, not how I think they should be or how I'd like them to be
3. Stop giving guys the benefit of the doubt and cancel when I have a sneaking suspicion the date will be terrible.  I can't remember a time where I wanted to cancel, went, and it turned out to be great.  (If you read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, he basically says you become an expert at something once you do it for over 10,000 hours.  I know I've had more than 10,000 hours of going on dates, analyzing texts, emails, and conversations, and talking about men, dating, and relationships.)
4. Treat a guy with the utmost level of irrelevancy until he gives me reasons to make him relevant in my life.  I will not spend more than one minute talking about guys with my friends before or after a date.  I will not play the "what if" game.  I will not let guys who don't get the hint annoy me.  Et al.
5. Not take things on my calendar so seriously.  For example, one of my girlfriends keeps asking me to lunch and rescheduling.  Going forward, I'll leave it penciled in on my calendar, but if that day and time rolls around and I'd rather do something else, I'm canceling and doing that something else

Aziz Ansari's Book

I finished that book by Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance.  What I believe to be the main points:

1. Hi, Hey, Heyyyy, et al don't work (what I've always said)
2. Meet as soon as possible (agree)
3. Too many choices makes it harder to choose (I've talked about this before)
4. Treat people as people, not just pictures on a screen
5. Go on an interesting date, not the standard drinks, movie, or meal
6. Don't snoop 

I agree with five of these.  I'd like to agree with all six, but I'm not sure about #5.  If I were to agree to go on "an interesting date," which lasted longer than a standard date, and he turned out to be a bust, I would not be happy.  The risk seems a bit too high with that one.

Happy Lunar New Year!

Happy Lunar New Year!  Second chance to make and follow some New Year's resolutions.  But really, why wait for New Year's to do this?  It can be done year round...  I had some in my head, but I think I've already forgotten half of them.  Time to start writing them down.  I'll post a few of them on here (at least the dating and relationship oriented ones).

A Bit Confused

That bad date guy sent me a text to ask me out for a second date. Since I've already turned him down in person by saying, "We aren't a good match," I won't be replying. I left absolutely no room for interpretation. I was a bit confused when I got his text (or perhaps bewildered is a better description).

Cold Hard Truth

I'm glad I told that guy, "We aren't a good match" to his face.  Since we had only gone out that one time, my norm would have been to ghost him or tell him over text when he asked me out again.  Since he asked me to my face, I told him to his face.

That got me thinking about things.  I want the cold hard truth.  If a guy isn't into me, I'd WANT him to say "I'm not into you" (or some variation) vs "Work is so busy."  "I'm not into you" indicates something permanent, like, "I'm not into you...and never will be."  Great!  Thank you for being honest with me so that I can move on and find someone who will be into me.  "Work is so busy" leaves an open door...it's busy now, but it's unlikely that it will be busy forever, so you don't completely remove him from your dateable guy pool.

Same thing applies to the guys.  Don't you want a girl to tell you flat out that she's not into you instead of "My grandma isn't doing too well?"  Again, it's the permanent vs temporary thing.  "I'm not into you," tough to hear, but you move on and find someone who is into you.  "Grandma isn't doing well," is not permanent so you wait and hope.

So many people think they are being "nice" when they "let someone down easy" by making up some bullsh*t excuse or being vague.  Maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings or maybe they are being selfish because they don't like confrontation.

You do the other person a huge solid when you tell him/her the truth of "I'm not into you," "We aren't a good match," "I don't see you in that way," et al.  This lets him/her save time and mental energy, as well as, move on with his/her life.

Advice: Ambiguity and sugar coating are not helpful.  Be a big boy or girl and tell him/her the cold hard truth.  I'm not saying you should go into details "You're fatter than your photos," "Your voice is like nails on a chalkboard," et al.  I am saying you should make it very clear if you are not into them and never will be.

Talked At

I don't like going on unpleasant dates, not just because I have to sit through it while it's happening, but also because I think about it afterwards.  I've been thinking about that date last Saturday night with the irritating comments and questions guy.

I think what bothered me most about him/that evening was he couldn't care less whether or not I was having a good time and talked AT me.  I didn't seem like I was having a terrible time, but I also gave no indication that it was a good time and I wanted to see him again.  I was simply polite and there.

I finished my dinner much faster than he did because 1) I wanted to leave and 2) I wasn't talking nonstop.  We didn't have a conversation, it his soliloquy.  He kept going on and on talking about anything he wanted to talk about and didn't seem to care if I was even listening.  It was like I was listening to his stream of consciousness.  He was already trying to fit himself into my schedule.  He just assumed I wanted to fit him in my schedule?  Asking me where we'd go on vacation together?  Again, I did nothing to indicate we'd have a second date, so vacation together????  I gave him a strange look when he said that.  And, he didn't like my job and wanted me to get a new one.  So not only was this guy unaware of reality, he's also controlling.

After the check was dropped off, I looked at my watch about 12 times to subtlety let him it was time to go.  The waiter walked by five times and the check must have sat for over ten minutes.  So, I had to spell it out.  Then, he wanted to go somewhere else to get a drink.  So he could talk at me some more.  No.  I don't know why he thought I'd want to continue the date.  Actually, from what I've seen, I don't think he cared if I wanted to, he just wanted to because it would have been fun for him.

Not A Good Match

Even though I wanted to cancel very badly, I went out with that irritating comments and questions guy.  (The guy we've discussed via comments in my last post.)  We are not a good match.  The food was good.  The conversation was long and drawn out.  He might not have been aware of social cues?  He didn't seem to notice or care when my eyes were glazing over.  I told him we had to leave after the waiter walked by the fifth time.

I had already known I wouldn't be seeing him again when he first walked in.  His pictures must have been ten years old.  Instead of getting up and leaving, I treated him like a friend of a friend - I'm friendly to friends of friends even if I don't like them because I assume I might see them again.  This guy was buying dinner, friendly is the polite thing to do.  Anyway, the conversation topics he brought up did not help him:

• Terrible ex wife
• Deceased parents
• Hobbies I have no interest in
• Unsolicited life advice
• His many women friends (he even wanted to show me photos of them)
• Men who are interested in me (no, I didn't answer when he KEPT pressing)
• Roommate or no roommate (none of his business, he won't be finding out...ever)
• Future vacation spots we could go on together (WHAT???)
• My looks and how I look much better in person than in my pictures (Thanks?)

At the end of the date, after he tried to extend the evening by proposing coffee.  No.  He then asked me when I'd be free to see him again.  I said, "It's unlikely."  He asked, "Why? Because of work?"  I told him the cold hard truth, "We are not a good match."  He seemed to appreciate my honesty?  He was gracious and a man about it.  I liked that, but not enough to offer friendship or another date.

I Want To Cancel

I have a date tomorrow night.  It was scheduled a week and a half ago.  I want to cancel very bad.  I am doing my best not to cancel.  He's been texting me with what I consider irritating comments and questions since we scheduled the date.  For example:

• What are you up to?
• It's raining out, how dreary
• What should I wear?
• Are jeans okay?
• How are you?
• Still there? 
• Where are you? 
• Hi?

I've ignored these texts.  The only ones I've replied to were date logistics related; what time, where, what day. We haven't met in person yet, and now I really don't want to.  He seems bored or in constant need of attention.

Nice Distraction

The anger I felt towards the ex when he randomly popped in my head (like when he texted, "Happy New Year!") was already dwindling as a result of time.  The anger went away even faster when I got a new crush.  I met this crush a few weeks ago through friends.  Then I ran into him again a week ago.  I didn't think I'd see him again so soon! 

We've exchanged some texts.  He doesn't live in the Bay Area.  So, even if this goes nowhere, it's still a very nice distraction.

Modern Romance

I'm about a third of the way through Aziz Ansari's book, Modern Romance.  He's the comedian that who on The Office.  Some things he said that I've always said (he had scholars and researchers backing him up, I just examined my life and those of my friends):

1. Most of the time, messages like "Hey," "Hi," "What's up?" et al do not get responses
2. Many daters believe online dating is exhausting
3. Instead of trading hundreds of texts or emails, meet as soon as possible

I like to meet ASAP because you don't really get to know a person unless you interact face to face.  Also, I don't have hours to spend hunched over my phone.

A Pact

I've been spending time with some girlfriends over the long New Year's weekend.  We have a pact and I really like it.  We are not to bring up any of our exes in 2017.  We've already spent hours venting, examining, et al in 2016.