Asking Myself Some Questions

Instead of thinking about men, dating, and relationships, I've been putting my energy into asking myself some questions.

1. If I didn't have to work for money and could do anything I want, what would it be and why?  
2. If I could live anywhere in the world, where would I live and why?  
3. If I could visit anywhere in the world, where would I go an why?

I think these are good soul searching questions for anyone who feels a little bored, confused, or just blah.

I'm sprucing up my apartment while I work on these questions.  I also bought new luggage so I have one less excuse as to why I'm not traveling the world.  I've noticed many people make excuses to themselves.  I'm one of them and I'm working to change that.  When I tell myself some kind of excuse, I've been asking myself, what am I avoiding or why is that my current thinking?  For example, I can't travel the world because I don't have an international sized carry on.  Now that I've bought one, I find myself saying, I can't go anywhere because it's hard to line up schedules with friends.  Well, why can't I go alone?  Of course, I can.

Cold Hard Truth

I'm glad I told that guy, "We aren't a good match" to his face.  Since we had only gone out that one time, my norm would have been to ghost him or tell him over text when he asked me out again.  Since he asked me to my face, I told him to his face.

That got me thinking about things.  I want the cold hard truth.  If a guy isn't into me, I'd WANT him to say "I'm not into you" (or some variation) vs "Work is so busy."  "I'm not into you" indicates something permanent, like, "I'm not into you...and never will be."  Great!  Thank you for being honest with me so that I can move on and find someone who will be into me.  "Work is so busy" leaves an open door...it's busy now, but it's unlikely that it will be busy forever, so you don't completely remove him from your dateable guy pool.

Same thing applies to the guys.  Don't you want a girl to tell you flat out that she's not into you instead of "My grandma isn't doing too well?"  Again, it's the permanent vs temporary thing.  "I'm not into you," tough to hear, but you move on and find someone who is into you.  "Grandma isn't doing well," is not permanent so you wait and hope.

So many people think they are being "nice" when they "let someone down easy" by making up some bullsh*t excuse or being vague.  Maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings or maybe they are being selfish because they don't like confrontation.

You do the other person a huge solid when you tell him/her the truth of "I'm not into you," "We aren't a good match," "I don't see you in that way," et al.  This lets him/her save time and mental energy, as well as, move on with his/her life.

Advice: Ambiguity and sugar coating are not helpful.  Be a big boy or girl and tell him/her the cold hard truth.  I'm not saying you should go into details "You're fatter than your photos," "Your voice is like nails on a chalkboard," et al.  I am saying you should make it very clear if you are not into them and never will be.

Modern Romance

I'm about a third of the way through Aziz Ansari's book, Modern Romance.  He's the comedian that who on The Office.  Some things he said that I've always said (he had scholars and researchers backing him up, I just examined my life and those of my friends):

1. Most of the time, messages like "Hey," "Hi," "What's up?" et al do not get responses
2. Many daters believe online dating is exhausting
3. Instead of trading hundreds of texts or emails, meet as soon as possible

I like to meet ASAP because you don't really get to know a person unless you interact face to face.  Also, I don't have hours to spend hunched over my phone.

Clean Slate

I've recovered from the flu and this weekend, I'm going to go on a few dates with guys who've I've been putting off for the past several weeks or months.  I've put them off for a variety of reasons, including one or more of the following: our calendars don't match up, I have the flu, and I'm not really that interested.

My goal is to meet all of them before the end of the year.  Why?  No, not cuffing, I don't feel like I need to have someone for the rest of the holiday season.  I want meet these guys ASAP because if I don't like any of them (and I suspect I won't), I don't have to bring that looming date with so-and-so into the new year with me.  There's no "I still have to go out with that guy who's been texting me."

New year, new start.  If I do like any of of these guys, I'll have to like them a whole lot.  I truly want to take a break to recharge and have a clean slate.

Let It Go

I don't know much about Buddhism, but I do know one of their beliefs is just to let it go.  That driver who cut you off?  Let it go.  That partner who cheated on you?  Let it go.  That promotion you should've gotten?  Let it go.

Things that bother me randomly pop into my head.  I'd like to say I'm able to just let it go, but that doesn't always happen.  In fact, sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of effort to let some of these things go.  It's usually relationship and dating type topics that takes me a lot of effort to let go.  I know one is suppose to be grateful and happy and that aids the process...  Perhaps, I'm going to get a book on Buddhism.

Divorce Can Be Even Better

Breakups can be great and divorce can be even better.  Many people seem to be afraid of divorce.  Sure, there are emotions and money involved.  However, once those are taken care of, each party has the rest of their lives to be happier alone or with someone else.  I have friends who've met with countless divorce attorneys and won't file for 10+ years because of alimony, child support, et al.  Well, alimony won't go away.  And one would lose more in terms of time than money if one values 10 years (or any amount of time) of his/her life?  Is another 10 years of misery not worth $____?  And if one worries about what his/her friends and family will think, is his/her happiness not more important than what others will think?

I had lunch with a guy friend of mine this week.  He's been married for decades.  He is hesitating on filing because he doesn't want his wife to have the "divorced lady" stigma.  I don't think that stigma exists anymore.  He's been unhappy for decades and sees himself doing this great thing for her by cheating (Tinder is his favorite app) because what she doesn't know won't hurt her.  Well, I think she's known for decades and it's not fair that he's taking away her real chance of happiness with someone else (or alone).

I had dinner with a guy friend of mine last week.  He got divorced.  Even though he is paying many thousands in alimony a month, he says it's worth every penny.  He said the process was terrible, but at the end, he's much happier now than he was when he was married.  He's been divorced for about nine years now.

Mark As Spam

The Ex Guy just texted me again and it's making me angry.  On several different occasions, I've told him not to email, call, or text.  This hasn't deterred him.  My friends are telling me to block him.  Yes, it's easy to block a phone number.  No, it's not easy to block email (or maybe it is, I've never had to try).

I shouldn't need to block him.  He's a grown man.  We have broken up.  Our relationship is over.  He should know how to act when someone says, "Please don't speak to me."  Continuing to reach out is obnoxious.  What is he hoping to gain by reaching out?  Will I tell him I want to get back together?  "Thanks for being obnoxious and completely disregarding my requests, let's get back together."  No.  I know he wants to be on my mind and hopes that will prevent me from dating other men.  Tough, I am dating other men.

Perhaps his phone will be blocked and his email will receive the "mark as spam" treatment.

Just Not That Into You

Saw this article today and agree.  If someone ghosts, who cares why.  If they aren't making time to actually see you in person, who cares why and they just aren't that into you.  Why waste time and think about someone who isn't that into you?  Move on, meet someone who makes it very clear they are into you.

Three P's

Steve Harvey wrote a book about dating.  In it, he talks about the three P's.  A guy is very serious about you when he:

1. Professes - gives you a title, stakes his claim in front of others, et al
2. Provides - feeds, cares for, et al
3. Protects - self explanatory

I think there is some truth to this?  Guy I'm dating did not do any of these early on.  Now he gets worried if there's no food in my fridge or when I travel alone.  It's sweet, but not very exciting. I think I lack excitement.

Tylenol

I skimmed this NYT Modern Love piece.  Two things I focused on:

1. "If he doesn't want you, you don't want him" - I agree 100%. Why spend energy wanting someone who doesn't want you back?
2. Tylenol might help with a broken heart? - Facinating

The Best Way To Get Over Someone

I've heard the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  No, I don't practice this.  I do go on many many dates very soon after the end of a relationship.  Even if these dates are boring and awkward, it's nice to know there are many other fish in the sea.  Fortunately, none of the dates I've been on recently have been terrible.  However, I have gone out with guys who can't seem to stop talking and babble endlessly.

So, if you are having a bad breakup, pining after the ex boyfriend, et al, go on dates.  I know many will say, "I'm not ready to date."  Even if you aren't ready, go!  It's just coffee, a drink, lunch, or dinner.  Even if you find out those guys aren't the right ones for you, you'll know there are plenty of guys out there.

WIIFM?

Ever hear of WIIFM?  Aka, "What's in it for me?"  I don't like this way of thinking, at all.  I dated one guy who used to bring it up when talking about business.  Towards the end of our courtship/relationship, he started bringing it up when it came to me.  For example, giving me a ride home after dinner.  He actually said, "You get a free dinner and a ride home.  What do I get?"  Me (to myself), "After that, me never seeing you again."

When I have dinner with a friend, I don't think that's even a thought that crosses his/her mind.  It certainly doesn't cross my mind.  If a friend buys me dinner and drives me home, it's because they like my company and they like me as a person.  Perhaps they want to make sure I get home safe, perhaps they know the dinner will be filled with laughter, et al.  So, when I find out a suitor is thinking WIIFM, I don't think he's interested in me enough (at least not as a person).

Struck A Nerve

While I was taking a walk during lunch, I had a thought (this is not a new thought).  When I get hater comments, I know I struck a nerve.  If you want to dish it, know that you'll be taking it too.  That's not the point of this post though.  I've talked about this before.  If there is something I say which enrages you, ask yourself why.  Be more self aware.

I'll use that Anonymous comment from earlier this week as an example.  I think it bothers her that she doesn't get or isn't able to keep attention from men.  Maybe she's the girl who goes out with a guy two or three times and she never hears from him again.  Maybe she's the girl who goes out with all her friends and isn't approached while the rest of her friends are.  Maybe she's the girl who is still pining over an ex boyfriend from years ago.

Tinder Killed Dating?

Saw this article about Tinder, hooking up, online dating apps, non relationships, end of dating, et al floating around on facebook and it is disturbing.  I don't think tinder killed dating, it was already dying before tinder appeared on the scene.  Perhaps online dating as a whole started the demise of dating because people turned into commodities and meeting someone took on an online shopping feel.  The sense of scarcity disappeared because you could simply login and see hundreds of others hoping to meet someone (intention unclear).

Although the article talks about young people in their 20s, I am sure some of it applies to many of us who are out of our 20s.  The main point I got?  Men are trying to have sex with as many women as possible.  They will either flat out say they are not interested in a relationship or lead women to believe they are interested in a relationship in order to have sex with them; #2 is quite despicable.  And, women talking about how dating is dead.

I'd like to say:

• Men if you are just looking for sex, tell her that.  Do not appear to be interested in more in order to persuade her to sleep with you.  That's obnoxious
• Women, if you are just looking for sex, do not expect the men to want more.  If you are looking for a relationship, do not have sex with him until you are in a relationship

I Spoke Too Soon

I spoke too soon.  New Leaf Guy called yesterday and curiosity got the best of me.  Since I've never been stood up before, I wanted to know how he was going to play it.  He small talked about a variety of things while possibly noticing my curtness.

He said he was sorry he couldn't grab a drink Monday night and we should pick a night next week.  That's when I cut in and said he should have called to cancel.  He said he left me a Google hangout/chat message.  No, he did not.  He said he did, apologized that I didn't get it, and pleaded for me to see him next week.  I said no, busy all week.  (Complete lie, wasn't trying to be convincing, thought about saying, "I'll be washing my hair every night" to make it painfully obvious that I am lying.)  He asked me to think about it or name another day.

Here's what I think really happened.  Out of passive aggressiveness/anger/games, he stood me up on Monday and expected me to call/text every two minutes asking him where he was, which would have appeased his ego.  I did not react they way he expected me to act.  He freaked out Tuesday and tried to get my attention with Instagram.  Yesterday, he freaked out even more, broke down, called me, and made up some bull sh*t excuse.  I think I'm right about this because I've seen it before (not standing me up, but similar uncouth behavior) with two other very intelligent and very insecure men, The Brain and Smart Guy.

When I'm angry with someone, I won't talk to them until I've simmered down.  I don't care if they call me 100 times.  However, if I already had plans with him/her, I would have the courtesy to send a cancellation message.

Living Together

This article talks about living together before marriage and divorce rates.  Should I ever get married, I do not want to live with him until we are actually married. 

I don't believe in this living together "to see if we get along" stuff.  You should know if you get along before moving in.  I'm sure you've had some sleepovers if you've been dating for a while.  If you really like each other, you will work it out, not just end the relationship/move out because he whistles in the shower, she has 200 pairs of shoes, or other reasons you may have.

I Didn't Even Like Him

Many married women have told me "I didn't even like him" when we first met.  Yes, they are talking about their now husbands.  Maybe these men grew on these women or maybe these women settled.  As long as they are happy in/with their relationships, it doesn't matter.

When I first met New Leaf Guy, I liked him.  There was a spark on both our ends, perhaps that was because we made eye contact that lasted more than four minutes and that NYT article is sorta right (no, I did not fall in love at first sight).

3 Reasons Online Dating Sucks

I know online dating has worked for many couples.  I know online dating is a good way to meet more men.  I've been using online dating on and off for at least five years, and the more I use it, the more I think it sucks.

3 Reasons Online Dating Suck (I think these are the most important ones):

1. Even if someone meets all your desired characteristics (looks, intelligence, yadda), you trade some good emails, you could still have absolutely no spark when you finally meet him/her in person.  (If you had met him organically, you would know if there was a spark within minutes.)
2. It's used as a tool to weed people out, not necessarily to cast a wider net.  (Example, he's not as tall as you'd like him to be, had you met organically and you had a spark you would of course date him.  However, since you met him online, you disqualified him because of his height, and you'd never know if you would have hit it off.)
3. There are some truly awful people (men and women) online (and in real life, but I've really met a lot online).  This guy comes to mind!  Or, perhaps they lie about their age, show pictures that from 15 years ago, have anger management issues, are the next American Psychos in the making, et al. 

After my last online date, I am on a hiatus from online dating.  I will share a story from a few months ago.  A guy wanted to trade emails "to see if we are compatible" (we had already traded six emails) and he requested more photos even though I already have several online.  I told him we can also see if we are compatible by getting coffee.  I ignored his picture request.  He said he wasn't comfortable meeting without emailing to see if we are compatible.  Delete.  He might be one of those guys who wants to have a pen pal and never intends on meeting in person.  Who cares what the reason is, point is he's an imbecile if he thinks one can trade emails to determine compatibility and/or compatibility alone leads to a spark.

I thought about making a collage of the worst online men I've met (in person or over email), but that would be low.

Propose To Him?

While waiting in line at Safeway, I flipped through the June issue of Glamour and saw them post results from a poll they took.  Findings, 70% of guys are fine with the girl proposing.  The line was moving, so I don't know number of guys surveyed, ages of these guys, et al.

I bring this up because I don't think it's wise for women to propose to men.  You could do it if you want, but don't be surprised if you don't get your desired outcome.  Think about all your girlfriends who pressure their boyfriends to get married.  Many of these boyfriends protest, buy more time, and do not propose.  So, all of a sudden, she proposes and he says, "Yes!!!!" Suuuurrrreee.

5 Reasons Why Guys Keep Coming Back

I was thinking about comments from Tuesday's post and came up why I think guys reappear, so...

5 Reasons Why Guys Keep Coming Back:

1. He's bored - work is slow, no one has replied to his OkC emails in months, his best friend moved away, yadda yadda
2. He's been hit with spring fever, it's almost the holidays, et al - seasonal
3. He's socially awkward - doesn't understand social cues/norms ("Leave me alone" means "Leave me alone")
4. He sees you as a challenge and likes challenges - also tied with ego "How could she not be interested in me????"
5. He hasn't found "better" - operating under his definition of "better" and whatever qualities he looks for

I think this list applies to all women who have that guy or those guys who keep reappearing after she said no to a date, went on a date, went on a few dates, made her boyfriend, made her fiance...

I believe most of the guys who reappear in my life do so because they are bored (and the things that go with that); I don't take them very seriously.  If I've actually gone on a few dates with them and they contact me very often, I might start think it's because they haven't found "better."  No, I am not saying I am better than the other women (perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not).  I'm saying they came to the conclusion that I am "better," which is why they keep coming back even though I almost never respond. 

Ladies, don't be disappointed if guys don't reappear in your life very much, it's a good thing they don't.