Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I'm sure we all have things we should be grateful for; we just need to realize what.

So, even if nothing comes of it, I'm grateful for the guy I run into coming into my life.  I thought I was very over Ex Guy, but he was still able to annoy me by contacting me.  Although my annoyance was at a very low level, it was still present.  I think that's a sure sign that I wasn't as over Ex Guy as I thought I was.

After a variety of things like a long vacation and meeting two guys I have chemistry with (including the guy I ran into), I can honestly say I'm 100% over the Ex Guy. Going on a few dates with this one showed me just how over the Ex Guy I am.  The Ex Guy could show up on my doorstep, and I'd just close the door without any positive or negative feeling.  He's been made completely irrelevant.  And, that took way too long.  Had I met some guys I found interesting sooner, I think I would have been 100% done with the Ex Guy sooner.

I've heard that people come into your life at a specific time, for a specific reason.  I believe it.

Yes, I Went On That Date

Yes, I went on that date.  The date that I thought was two friends having dinner, not two people on a date.  I was wrong.  It was a date.  He referred to it as a date and was more dressed up than I had ever seen him.

It was a lot of fun.  He seemed much happier than the first time I met up with him.  Seeing him happier made him more attractive.  He's cute.  We have chemistry.  We had a lot to talk about.  We laughed a lot.  I left the date thinking, he's someone I want to see again.

Then, I thought about it some more.  We had a great time, but I'm not sure he's over his ex.  I don't want to be a rebound.  Sure, he could be truly over it, and I think if that were the case, he'd show me that.  Maybe he thinks he's over it, but really isn't?

He asked me out again, and I was busy.  He also asked me to meet him on an out of state business trip.  I feel like it's too soon for that.  Is he trying to 1) find someone to sleep with and thinks an overnight trip will do the trick, 2) move things along quickly (possibly to fill a void), or 3) it'd really be innocent.  Or, maybe someone else I haven't considered?

How am I going to handle it if/when he asks me out again?  It'll probably be a long time from now because of the upcoming holidays.  We are both going to be out of town a lot.  Time is good.  Time heals all wounds, right?

I'm not ruling him out, but I'm also not holding my breath.  If we're meant to go out again, it'll happen, especially based on our history of running into each other.

Don't Really Care Much

The guy I ran into at the airport, I ran into him again, at the airport!  We chatted for a few minutes.  He wanted to do something this weekend, but I already have plans.  He kept telling me to text him, but I have nothing to say.  And, I already have plans.  And, I see him as a work friend.  And, if he really wants to make plans, he can text me.  And, if he doesn't really want to make plans, no need to text me.  I don't really care much.

Begging Mutual Friends

It's 2017 and I'm not supposed to be talking about the ex guy.  I will for a minute because I'd like to share what he's doing wrong.  He's been asking mutual friends to talk to me on his behalf.  That seems incredibly immature.  He knows what went wrong between us.  Instead of trying to fix the things that needed to be fixed (not that I think those things can be fixed), he's begging mutual friends to get involved.  When mutual friends bring up his name, I change the topic.

Like one of my resolutions for 2017, I'm not taking any guy seriously unless he gives me a reason to take him seriously.  And, with this guy, I do not take him seriously.  I am annoyed that he's trying to involve mutual friends.  I would just like for him to leave me alone.

Five Dating And Relationship Resolutions

Currently, I have five dating and relationship resolutions.  I might add more later.  These are the ones that are most important for me right now.

1. Be more present.  I can't change the past and I can't predict the future.  Why waste time and energy thinking about either one?
2. Accept things as they are, not how I think they should be or how I'd like them to be
3. Stop giving guys the benefit of the doubt and cancel when I have a sneaking suspicion the date will be terrible.  I can't remember a time where I wanted to cancel, went, and it turned out to be great.  (If you read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, he basically says you become an expert at something once you do it for over 10,000 hours.  I know I've had more than 10,000 hours of going on dates, analyzing texts, emails, and conversations, and talking about men, dating, and relationships.)
4. Treat a guy with the utmost level of irrelevancy until he gives me reasons to make him relevant in my life.  I will not spend more than one minute talking about guys with my friends before or after a date.  I will not play the "what if" game.  I will not let guys who don't get the hint annoy me.  Et al.
5. Not take things on my calendar so seriously.  For example, one of my girlfriends keeps asking me to lunch and rescheduling.  Going forward, I'll leave it penciled in on my calendar, but if that day and time rolls around and I'd rather do something else, I'm canceling and doing that something else

Cold Hard Truth

I'm glad I told that guy, "We aren't a good match" to his face.  Since we had only gone out that one time, my norm would have been to ghost him or tell him over text when he asked me out again.  Since he asked me to my face, I told him to his face.

That got me thinking about things.  I want the cold hard truth.  If a guy isn't into me, I'd WANT him to say "I'm not into you" (or some variation) vs "Work is so busy."  "I'm not into you" indicates something permanent, like, "I'm not into you...and never will be."  Great!  Thank you for being honest with me so that I can move on and find someone who will be into me.  "Work is so busy" leaves an open door...it's busy now, but it's unlikely that it will be busy forever, so you don't completely remove him from your dateable guy pool.

Same thing applies to the guys.  Don't you want a girl to tell you flat out that she's not into you instead of "My grandma isn't doing too well?"  Again, it's the permanent vs temporary thing.  "I'm not into you," tough to hear, but you move on and find someone who is into you.  "Grandma isn't doing well," is not permanent so you wait and hope.

So many people think they are being "nice" when they "let someone down easy" by making up some bullsh*t excuse or being vague.  Maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings or maybe they are being selfish because they don't like confrontation.

You do the other person a huge solid when you tell him/her the truth of "I'm not into you," "We aren't a good match," "I don't see you in that way," et al.  This lets him/her save time and mental energy, as well as, move on with his/her life.

Advice: Ambiguity and sugar coating are not helpful.  Be a big boy or girl and tell him/her the cold hard truth.  I'm not saying you should go into details "You're fatter than your photos," "Your voice is like nails on a chalkboard," et al.  I am saying you should make it very clear if you are not into them and never will be.

Early Christmas Gift

Christmas is only three days away!  This year blew by.  I had a dream about Ex Guy.  I'm going to look at this positively.  It was an early Christmas gift reminding me of what an assh*le he turned out to be and how to avoid it in the future.  He hid his assh*le tendencies so well.  I didn't talk about him very much on here because I saw no reason to dwell on depressing things, but I'll share more now.

I've had time to see it for what it was, a toxic relationship.  The highs were so high, the lows were so low.  There were many games.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he was just a bit socially inept in romantic situations, not that he was playing that role to gain the upper hand. He was incredibly good at being a "nice guy" in the beginning and when he needed to.

More than half of the time I was with him, I was angry.  I almost broke up with him several times and he'd weasel out of it by doing and saying whatever was necessary to get me to change my mind.  Well, that should have been a red flag, but of course, I didn't notice it until the third time.  He was so convincing or perhaps I believed him because I really wanted to believe him.  He's most likely lied about SO MANY things just like he did with his ex wife.  I wanted to believe I was immune to this behavior.  I wasn't.

And, towards the end, I also saw that he wanted to control me.  He wanted me to be a quiet submissive woman who just went along with his wishes.  The last few times I saw him, he attempted to tell me what to wear and what to eat.  No, that did not go over well. LOL.

I accept full responsibility for letting this go on for too long.  I'm not trying to sort through what was true and what wasn't; it doesn't matter.  I'm trying not to be angry when he randomly crosses my mind.  It takes incredible strength to not be angry; no, I haven't completely mastered it.

Let It Go

I don't know much about Buddhism, but I do know one of their beliefs is just to let it go.  That driver who cut you off?  Let it go.  That partner who cheated on you?  Let it go.  That promotion you should've gotten?  Let it go.

Things that bother me randomly pop into my head.  I'd like to say I'm able to just let it go, but that doesn't always happen.  In fact, sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of effort to let some of these things go.  It's usually relationship and dating type topics that takes me a lot of effort to let go.  I know one is suppose to be grateful and happy and that aids the process...  Perhaps, I'm going to get a book on Buddhism.

Divorce Can Be Even Better

Breakups can be great and divorce can be even better.  Many people seem to be afraid of divorce.  Sure, there are emotions and money involved.  However, once those are taken care of, each party has the rest of their lives to be happier alone or with someone else.  I have friends who've met with countless divorce attorneys and won't file for 10+ years because of alimony, child support, et al.  Well, alimony won't go away.  And one would lose more in terms of time than money if one values 10 years (or any amount of time) of his/her life?  Is another 10 years of misery not worth $____?  And if one worries about what his/her friends and family will think, is his/her happiness not more important than what others will think?

I had lunch with a guy friend of mine this week.  He's been married for decades.  He is hesitating on filing because he doesn't want his wife to have the "divorced lady" stigma.  I don't think that stigma exists anymore.  He's been unhappy for decades and sees himself doing this great thing for her by cheating (Tinder is his favorite app) because what she doesn't know won't hurt her.  Well, I think she's known for decades and it's not fair that he's taking away her real chance of happiness with someone else (or alone).

I had dinner with a guy friend of mine last week.  He got divorced.  Even though he is paying many thousands in alimony a month, he says it's worth every penny.  He said the process was terrible, but at the end, he's much happier now than he was when he was married.  He's been divorced for about nine years now.

Breakups Can Be Great

Many dread breakups, but they can be great.  Why waste time with someone who you don't really want to be with or who doesn't really want to be with you?  I had dinner with a good girlfriend of mine.  She has not broken up with her boyfriend again, but she seems to be miserable with him.  They've broken up several times in the past.  She's almost always in tears because they are almost always fighting.  I'm sure they have good days, but there seems to be many more bad days.  Her self esteem is in the toilet since he's tells her she's stupid and can't do better.  I don't see how that's a good use of her time on this planet.

She has this "I love him" or "he loves me" reasoning.  Well, if he loves her that much, would he say such hateful things?  Wouldn't he want her to be happy even if it meant not being with her?  Wouldn't she want someone who thought the world of her, instead of constantly putting her down?

Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together.  They should appreciate the good times they managed to scrape together and realize the good times no longer exist.  Two good days out of 365 days is not a good ratio or relationship.

Breakup Season

Has breakup season moved? It used to be right before or right after the holidays. Many of my girlfriends have broken up with their boyfriends (or were broken up with by their boyfriends) in August and September.  Many celebrity divorces in the news too.

I've always seen September as a time to restart.  This association probably stems from all the years of getting ready for the new school year.

According to many divorce attorneys, January is traditionally "divorce month" with a small spike in August.

Ultra Fast Breakup Recovery

I think this will work for both men and women.  I highly recommend going on a date with someone new to get the ex out of your head.  Yes, it's hard, you're still sad, angry, et al, but I do believe it speeds up the breakup recovery process.  I don't know about you, but I certainly want an ultra fast breakup recovery.

Ultra Fast Breakup Recovery (1 and 2 are interchangeable steps):

1. Go on a date.  Just go.  You don't have to think s/he's "the one."  Go with an open mind and try to have a nice time.  It's just a date
2. Stop all communication with the ex.  Defriend the ex on facebook.  Unfollow the ex on instagram and twitter.  Ignore or block all of his/her calls/messages.  You get the idea.  Never ever reach out to the ex.  If the ex left a toothbrush at your house, throw it out, s/he can buy a new one.  If the ex left something of value at your house, mail it to him/her.  Do not see the ex.  The ex is a part of your past.  (If you want to get back together with him/her, move on with your life until s/he makes a compelling argument as to why you should give him/her the time of day.  Usually, that means fixing whatever problem that led you to wanting to break up.  You might not even want him/her back after you recover)

Mark As Spam

The Ex Guy just texted me again and it's making me angry.  On several different occasions, I've told him not to email, call, or text.  This hasn't deterred him.  My friends are telling me to block him.  Yes, it's easy to block a phone number.  No, it's not easy to block email (or maybe it is, I've never had to try).

I shouldn't need to block him.  He's a grown man.  We have broken up.  Our relationship is over.  He should know how to act when someone says, "Please don't speak to me."  Continuing to reach out is obnoxious.  What is he hoping to gain by reaching out?  Will I tell him I want to get back together?  "Thanks for being obnoxious and completely disregarding my requests, let's get back together."  No.  I know he wants to be on my mind and hopes that will prevent me from dating other men.  Tough, I am dating other men.

Perhaps his phone will be blocked and his email will receive the "mark as spam" treatment.

Just Not That Into You

Saw this article today and agree.  If someone ghosts, who cares why.  If they aren't making time to actually see you in person, who cares why and they just aren't that into you.  Why waste time and think about someone who isn't that into you?  Move on, meet someone who makes it very clear they are into you.

A Second Date Years Later

This seems to always happen.  I broke up with that guy and a guy I had dinner with years ago reached out to me.  I went out with him again (a second date years later) last night.  I can't see him as anything more than "just a friend."  I have zero attraction towards him.  He really wants to take me on a day trip to Napa or anywhere over the weekend.  I do not want to go.  I can either tell him, I'm not interested or tell him I'm busy (so I can give it some more time before I completely rule him out).  I hear a lot of women say, "I wasn't into him at all when we first met."  I don't think I'm one of those though.

Back Into The Sea

I broke up with him, back into the sea he goes.  It doesn't seem like he wants to go back into the sea.  He's been texting, calling, et al.  I don't have anything else to say.  I don't think I'm meant for, or want the same person until the end of time.  No matter how great it was, there will be a time when it's no longer great, even though nothing has changed (aside from me growing tired of dating the same guy).  Until I meet someone who changes my mind on this, I'm going to think this is just how I'm wired.

I've been playing with some apps, but I really want to be on my own, and reclaim fabulous single life without obligations.

Forever

He's been talking about forever.  This is causing sleepless nights.  It's more than I don't know about forever with him.  It's about forever with anyone. He's a nice guy who is very good to me.  I am not saying I can find another guy who will treat me better.  I'm saying, I don't know if I can be a forever person for anyone.

Three P's

Steve Harvey wrote a book about dating.  In it, he talks about the three P's.  A guy is very serious about you when he:

1. Professes - gives you a title, stakes his claim in front of others, et al
2. Provides - feeds, cares for, et al
3. Protects - self explanatory

I think there is some truth to this?  Guy I'm dating did not do any of these early on.  Now he gets worried if there's no food in my fridge or when I travel alone.  It's sweet, but not very exciting. I think I lack excitement.

The Relationship Type?

I don't think I'm the relationship type.  He calls me his girlfriend and that makes me feel awkward.  He refers to himself as my boyfriend and that also makes me feel awkward.  When I spend too much time with him, I can't wait to go home and spend some quality time by myself.  To be fair, I do this with other people too; I am not what most would consider an extrovert.

So, this leads me to a question, could I ever be happily married to anyone?  I'd see him (any him, not specifically this him) everyday, for years and years.

Nice Surprise

Things have been going better with the guy I'm dating.  Still unclear if it's going anywhere though.  We've been spending more time together and I haven't gotten sick of him, which is a nice surprise.  In my book, that's a good sign.