Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Asking Myself Some Questions

Instead of thinking about men, dating, and relationships, I've been putting my energy into asking myself some questions.
  1. If I didn't have to work for money and could do anything I want, what would it be and why?  
  2. If I could live anywhere in the world, where would I live and why?  
  3. If I could visit anywhere in the world, where would I go an why?
I think these are good soul searching questions for anyone who feels a little bored, confused, or just blah.

I'm sprucing up my apartment while I work on these questions.  I also bought new luggage so I have one less excuse as to why I'm not traveling the world.  I've noticed many people make excuses to themselves.  I'm one of them and I'm working to change that.  When I tell myself some kind of excuse, I've been asking myself, what am I avoiding or why is that my current thinking?  For example, I can't travel the world because I don't have an international sized carry on.  Now that I've bought one, I find myself saying, I can't go anywhere because it's hard to line up schedules with friends.  Well, why can't I go alone?  Of course, I can.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

On A Break

I've been on a break from men and dating.  I still check my various apps and sites about once a week, but my heart's not in it.  I think there's a lot I want to see and do before I meet someone.

I was talking to a girlfriend, she one of those girls who is almost never single.  She's also on a break from men and dating.  She's putting all her energy into finishing school and working a lot to get a new car.  Another girlfriend of mine has been divorced for about a year, she's on a break from men too.  She's focusing on getting a group of us together every month for a girl's trip.  Let's go!

Sunday, March 5, 2017

The Who Didn't Matter

I haven't heard from that guy that I went out with a couple weeks ago and that's fine.  From the date, I got the sense that he was too fresh off his divorce, which was finalized not too long ago. 

Also, his followup texts rubbed me the wrong way.  Instead of suggesting we go out to dinner again, a movie, a hike, et al, he kept suggesting activities that would require a plane.  That seemed odd to me.  We just met and he was talking about trips to Europe and Asia with the closest destination being Mexico.  Sorta made me think he was just trying to get laid if he was skipping very ahead to overnight out of the country activities.  It also made me think he was just dying to get into another relationship and the who didn't matter.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Begging Mutual Friends

It's 2017 and I'm not supposed to be talking about the ex guy.  I will for a minute because I'd like to share what he's doing wrong.  He's been asking mutual friends to talk to me on his behalf.  That seems incredibly immature.  He knows what went wrong between us.  Instead of trying to fix the things that needed to be fixed (not that I think those things can be fixed), he's begging mutual friends to get involved.  When mutual friends bring up his name, I change the topic.

Like one of my resolutions for 2017, I'm not taking any guy seriously unless he gives me a reason to take him seriously.  And, with this guy, I do not take him seriously.  I am annoyed that he's trying to involve mutual friends.  I would just like for him to leave me alone.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

More Of A Friend?

That Saturday night date was good.  We had a lot in common.  We had a lot to talk about.  He was sociable and aware of social cues.  Unfortunately, I don't know if there's a spark.  I think I see him as more of a friend?  If he asks me out again, I'll go.

He's been texting me, but hasn't asked me on another date.  I don't consider a date an actual date unless there is a time, place, and day.  He's been throwing out ideas of things for us to do.  I've agreed to the ideas, but there aren't proposed times or days, which makes me think he might not be that sincere or interested. 

Let's see if a second date actually gets scheduled.  If it does, fine.  If it doesn't, fine.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Feeling Pretty Good

I have a date tonight and I'm actually feeling pretty good about it.  He hasn't sent me one pointless text!  That's so great!!  His texts were very direct and he asked me out in his second text.  The rest of the texts were date logistics like time, place, day.  I like it when guys are to the point.  None of this "How was your weekend," "Hi," "What was your last vacation," et al texts.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

No Longer Much Of A Crush

My new crush is no longer much of a crush.  We've been texting a little here and there.  I'd say he's not interested enough, I'm not interested enough, or both.  If either of us were that interested, we'd be finding a way to be in the same zip code, not exchanging pointless texts.  There's no point in saying "Hi" from time to time.  Even though we met in person and not online, I really hate "Hi" texts

He's getting the irrelevant treatment (part of my dating and relationship resolutions).  I have NO plans of replying to his next text (if he even sends one) unless it's a "Hey, I'm going to be in town, let's have dinner" type of message.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Five Dating And Relationship Resolutions

Currently, I have five dating and relationship resolutions.  I might add more later.  These are the ones that are most important for me right now.

  1. Be more present.  I can't change the past and I can't predict the future.  Why waste time and energy thinking about either one?
  2. Accept things as they are, not how I think they should be or how I'd like them to be
  3. Stop giving guys the benefit of the doubt and cancel when I have a sneaking suspicion the date will be terrible.  I can't remember a time where I wanted to cancel, went, and it turned out to be great.  (If you read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, he basically says you become an expert at something once you do it for over 10,000 hours.  I know I've had more than 10,000 hours of going on dates, analyzing texts, emails, and conversations, and talking about men, dating, and relationships.)
  4. Treat a guy with the utmost level of irrelevancy until he gives me reasons to make him relevant in my life.  I will not spend more than one minute talking about guys with my friends before or after a date.  I will not play the "what if" game.  I will not let guys who don't get the hint annoy me.  Et al.
  5. Not take things on my calendar so seriously.  For example, one of my girlfriends keeps asking me to lunch and rescheduling.  Going forward, I'll leave it penciled in on my calendar, but if that day and time rolls around and I'd rather do something else, I'm canceling and doing that something else

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Aziz Ansari's Book

I finished that book by Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance.  What I believe to be the main points:
  1. Hi, Hey, Heyyyy, et al don't work (what I've always said)
  2. Meet as soon as possible (agree)
  3. Too many choices makes it harder to choose (I've talked about this before)
  4. Treat people as people, not just pictures on a screen
  5. Go on an interesting date, not the standard drinks, movie, or meal
  6. Don't snoop 
I agree with five of these.  I'd like to agree with all six, but I'm not sure about #5.  If I were to agree to go on "an interesting date," which lasted longer than a standard date, and he turned out to be a bust, I would not be happy.  The risk seems a bit too high with that one.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Happy Lunar New Year!

Happy Lunar New Year!  Second chance to make and follow some New Year's resolutions.  But really, why wait for New Year's to do this?  It can be done year round...  I had some in my head, but I think I've already forgotten half of them.  Time to start writing them down.  I'll post a few of them on here (at least the dating and relationship oriented ones).

Thursday, January 26, 2017

A Bit Confused

That bad date guy sent me a text to ask me out for a second date. Since I've already turned him down in person by saying, "We aren't a good match," I won't be replying. I left absolutely no room for interpretation. I was a bit confused when I got his text (or perhaps bewildered is a better description).

Monday, January 23, 2017

Cold Hard Truth

I'm glad I told that guy, "We aren't a good match" to his face.  Since we had only gone out that one time, my norm would have been to ghost him or tell him over text when he asked me out again.  Since he asked me to my face, I told him to his face.

That got me thinking about things.  I want the cold hard truth.  If a guy isn't into me, I'd WANT him to say "I'm not into you" (or some variation) vs "Work is so busy."  "I'm not into you" indicates something permanent, like, "I'm not into you...and never will be."  Great!  Thank you for being honest with me so that I can move on and find someone who will be into me.  "Work is so busy" leaves an open door...it's busy now, but it's unlikely that it will be busy forever, so you don't completely remove him from your dateable guy pool.

Same thing applies to the guys.  Don't you want a girl to tell you flat out that she's not into you instead of "My grandma isn't doing too well?"  Again, it's the permanent vs temporary thing.  "I'm not into you," tough to hear, but you move on and find someone who is into you.  "Grandma isn't doing well," is not permanent so you wait and hope.

So many people think they are being "nice" when they "let someone down easy" by making up some bullsh*t excuse or being vague.  Maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings or maybe they are being selfish because they don't like confrontation.

You do the other person a huge solid when you tell him/her the truth of "I'm not into you," "We aren't a good match," "I don't see you in that way," et al.  This lets him/her save time and mental energy, as well as, move on with his/her life.

Advice: Ambiguity and sugar coating are not helpful.  Be a big boy or girl and tell him/her the cold hard truth.  I'm not saying you should go into details "You're fatter than your photos," "Your voice is like nails on a chalkboard," et al.  I am saying you should make it very clear if you are not into them and never will be.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Talked At

I don't like going on unpleasant dates, not just because I have to sit through it while it's happening, but also because I think about it afterwards.  I've been thinking about that date last Saturday night with the irritating comments and questions guy.

I think what bothered me most about him/that evening was he couldn't care less whether or not I was having a good time and talked AT me.  I didn't seem like I was having a terrible time, but I also gave no indication that it was a good time and I wanted to see him again.  I was simply polite and there.

I finished my dinner much faster than he did because 1) I wanted to leave and 2) I wasn't talking nonstop.  We didn't have a conversation, it his soliloquy.  He kept going on and on talking about anything he wanted to talk about and didn't seem to care if I was even listening.  It was like I was listening to his stream of consciousness.  He was already trying to fit himself into my schedule.  He just assumed I wanted to fit him in my schedule?  Asking me where we'd go on vacation together?  Again, I did nothing to indicate we'd have a second date, so vacation together????  I gave him a strange look when he said that.  And, he didn't like my job and wanted me to get a new one.  So not only was this guy unaware of reality, he's also controlling.

After the check was dropped off, I looked at my watch about 12 times to subtlety let him it was time to go.  The waiter walked by five times and the check must have sat for over ten minutes.  So, I had to spell it out.  Then, he wanted to go somewhere else to get a drink.  So he could talk at me some more.  No.  I don't know why he thought I'd want to continue the date.  Actually, from what I've seen, I don't think he cared if I wanted to, he just wanted to because it would have been fun for him.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Not A Good Match

Even though I wanted to cancel very badly, I went out with that irritating comments and questions guy.  (The guy we've discussed via comments in my last post.)  We are not a good match.  The food was good.  The conversation was long and drawn out.  He might not have been aware of social cues?  He didn't seem to notice or care when my eyes were glazing over.  I told him we had to leave after the waiter walked by the fifth time.

I had already known I wouldn't be seeing him again when he first walked in.  His pictures must have been ten years old.  Instead of getting up and leaving, I treated him like a friend of a friend - I'm friendly to friends of friends even if I don't like them because I assume I might see them again.  This guy was buying dinner, friendly is the polite thing to do.  Anyway, the conversation topics he brought up did not help him:
  • Terrible ex wife
  • Deceased parents
  • Hobbies I have no interest in
  • Unsolicited life advice
  • His many women friends (he even wanted to show me photos of them)
  • Men who are interested in me (no, I didn't answer when he KEPT pressing)
  • Roommate or no roommate (none of his business, he won't be finding out...ever)
  • Future vacation spots we could go on together (WHAT???)
  • My looks and how I look much better in person than in my pictures (Thanks?)
At the end of the date, after he tried to extend the evening by proposing coffee.  No.  He then asked me when I'd be free to see him again.  I said, "It's unlikely."  He asked, "Why? Because of work?"  I told him the cold hard truth, "We are not a good match."  He seemed to appreciate my honesty?  He was gracious and a man about it.  I liked that, but not enough to offer friendship or another date.

Friday, January 13, 2017

I Want To Cancel

I have a date tomorrow night.  It was scheduled a week and a half ago.  I want to cancel very bad.  I am doing my best not to cancel.  He's been texting me with what I consider irritating comments and questions since we scheduled the date.  For example:
  • What are you up to?
  • It's raining out, how dreary
  • What should I wear?
  • Are jeans okay?
  • How are you?
  • Still there? 
  • Where are you? 
  • Hi?
I've ignored these texts.  The only ones I've replied to were date logistics related; what time, where, what day. We haven't met in person yet, and now I really don't want to.  He seems bored or in constant need of attention.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Nice Distraction

The anger I felt towards the ex when he randomly popped in my head (like when he texted, "Happy New Year!") was already dwindling as a result of time.  The anger went away even faster when I got a new crush.  I met this crush a few weeks ago through friends.  Then I ran into him again a week ago.  I didn't think I'd see him again so soon! 

We've exchanged some texts.  He doesn't live in the Bay Area.  So, even if this goes nowhere, it's still a very nice distraction.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Modern Romance

I'm about a third of the way through Aziz Ansari's book, Modern Romance.  He's the comedian that who on The Office.  Some things he said that I've always said (he had scholars and researchers backing him up, I just examined my life and those of my friends):
  1. Most of the time, messages like "Hey," "Hi," "What's up?" et al do not get responses
  2. Many daters believe online dating is exhausting
  3. Instead of trading hundreds of texts or emails, meet as soon as possible
I like to meet ASAP because you don't really get to know a person unless you interact face to face.  Also, I don't have hours to spend hunched over my phone.

Monday, January 2, 2017

A Pact

I've been spending time with some girlfriends over the long New Year's weekend.  We have a pact and I really like it.  We are not to bring up any of our exes in 2017.  We've already spent hours venting, examining, et al in 2016.