Sunday, December 15, 2013

Just Send An Email

I've had several different online dating accounts for years.  I've noticed that many guys think winking, favoriting, living, visiting, rating, etc is enough.

Guys, if you really want a specific girl to notice you, send a message.  I joined match.com.  In the first 24 hours, I had:
  • 150 views
  • 18 photo likes
  • 7 favorites (guys favorited me)
  • 8 winks, and 
  • 6 emails
I've only read my six emails.  I don't have the time or energy to look at 183 other things.  I know some guys wait for a girl to look at their profile/wink back/favorite back/like back and then send an email (or even worse, wait for the girl to email him).  It doesn't work

36 comments:

  1. I don't think they really expect you to view your profile views. If I go on someone's profile and find that he doesn't like dogs, i'll click out and I certainly don't expect a response from that. But, the other ones for sure I would take the time to at least take a glance. As for waiting for a like back, etc- given the nature of online dating and the ease of ignoring someone, I would say it doesn't hurt to give them some encouragement if you feel a mutual interest.

    Putting yourself out there is nerve wracking no matter what social situation, and has no reflection on how "manly" you are. If we go around waiting for what we wanted to fall in our laps, we'd never get anywhere. Women have to take a little initiative too. I guarantee these guys are tired of kissing ass, only to find that she doesn't return his interest.

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  2. "I guarantee these guys are tired of kissing ass, only to find that she doesn't return his interest."

    This!

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  3. Agreed. I don't understand this wink and favorite BS. If you are interested, send a nice note. Women don't care for winks and favorites. It just shows that the guy is lazy and is probably doing the same to several women so he doesn't have to spend the time to send out an email.
    Honestly AG, SF is a shithole when it comes to men. I recommend moving.

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    1. That's interesting because I've been saying the same thing about SF women. I have a friend who just moved to Vancouver and he found a girl on OKCupid within the first month. She's really cool and very pretty and she didn't play any games with him. He was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was compared to SF.

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    2. Anon, I agree, SF is sooooooo bad for dating. I am actively looking for a new city. Which ones would you recommend?

      J, I know several couples who found each other online in LA and NY. Thinking about moving? I sure am! I have been for months, just don't know where to go

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    3. No, not thinking about moving. I'd never move just to find someone else to be with. It's better just to enjoy your life as it is and then hope that someone comes along who can share that with you. I've never believed in chasing love. Love finds you no matter what you do and it does it in it's own time.

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    4. I've been in SF for 5+ years. I dated (as in gone out on at least one date with 50+ guys, met 200+ guys, and have not found anyone I'd want for the long run). Have also heard enough guys and gals who have spent 5+ years here regret their decisions to stay (many of them left after 10+ years without meeting anyone they'd seriously date). Several men and women have told me to get out of SF unless I want to stay single forever, it's time to start listening to them...gotta find a new city

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    5. Do you enjoy your life or your job in this city? If not then why not move? But I wouldn't leave a good life just to find a man. It's just not worth it, unless you need to define yourself by who you are with.

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    6. I loved SF when I first got here. Unfortunately, that love has pretty much disappeared, probably because the novelty wore off

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    7. Well, if you aren't so happy living here and you don't have any friends or a job that keeps you in the area then maybe you do need to find a fresh start somewhere.

      My point was, I guess, was don't leave behind something behind that you care about just in the hopes to find love.

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    8. I think the novelty of any city wears off. I've been here 3.5 yrs and it hasn't yet. I wouldn't move for the mere possibility of finding a man... I have single friends in a lot of major cities, and friends in SF who found boyfriends and even husbands via Tinder, OkCupid, or even one-night stands.

      That said, from everywhere I've lived and comparing stories with my friends in other cities, it's REALLY bad in SF - the city is crawling with 30-something Peter Pans. Obviously not you, J. :)

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    9. Sabrina, glad to hear there is consensus on the SF Peter Pans...thought I just had really bad luck, which has lasted years

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    10. It's also good to see that your ladies are doing better in other cities...it confirms my theory on dating in SF

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  4. I agree with J. The grass is always greener. You should be happy that you have a good job that pays well for you to enjoy SF. Men aren't everything. Instead of moving the Bay Area altogether, have you considered dating men in the East Bay or Peninsula? It's better than moving to another state with god awful weather!

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    1. I've gone out with a lot of Peninsula guys, totally open to dating more of them. It does seem they are less dchy, so that's a good start

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  5. I do have to say that men have it easier. There are a ton of great single women in SF, but not enough men. I hate to make it a race thing, but if you are a tall white male who makes decent money, you are the only one who will succeed in dating in SF.

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    1. I'm unsure how to read this. You said men have it easier yet you say that only tall, rich, white men will succeed. To me that sounds like a pretty high bar and thus not one so easy to climb.

      Maybe this is the correct way to say this:

      Dating is hard in SF for men. There are a ton men in SF who don't meet the high standards of superficial SF women

      or

      Dating is hard for women in SF. There are a ton of eligible women in SF who have to deal with rich douche bags.

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    2. I don't know what Anon means, but I will say I've gone out with several tall (6'2"+) rich white guys, they are not successful in dating either. Two really stand out, Smart Guy (based on the number of hours he spends on OkC and the number of times he's contacted me with no response from me) and Valley Guy...think that's what I named him

      I would say: Dating is hard in SF. There are a lot of intentional dbags (rich and poor, ugly and hot, etc) and unintentional dbags (the socially awkward). It just seems like SF has an in-porportional amount of dbags compared to other major cities...also more entitlement than other major cities

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    3. Well, I think I do know what Anon means, but do not want to speak for him/her

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    4. What I see in SF is an imbalance, and not of genders. But, there's a disproportionate amount of women who want marriage/babies and men who want to party like they are frat boys despite being in their mid 30s.

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    5. Good point, Sabrina! In addition to the mid 30 frat boys, I would throw in the totally socially awkward (to the point of being insulting vs cute dorky)

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  6. (Different Anon here). You guys, I've lived in 15 states. Dating is hard everywhere. There are challenges wherever you go, they are just different.

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    1. Hi Anon, from your experience, where would you say is the best for women to find a guy who is smart, successful, and wants to settle down?

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    2. AG, I wouldn't know where to start because I think my deal breakers/career etc are really different from yours. Alaska has a lot more men than women and men are seriously looking there, There's even an Alaska Men magazine full of bachelors, haha! however I'm not sure about your career opportunities there. I really like the types of guys I met in the western states (ID, MT, WY) just because so many of them were so straight forward and non-game playing, plus they had a lot of similar interests as I did. What about selecting a couple cities you're interested in and looking on match for guys who live there? You wouldn't have to ever meet them but you could at least see what the numbers are, assess profiles, etc.
      I actually think online dating has made it more difficult. It's like a small corner store versus a huge chain. In the little store, you see what you want and are happy with it. In the big store, you have so many choices that you just keep looking and comparing labels, afraid you'll miss out on something...at least that's what I feel a lot of guys do on online sites...lol.

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    3. Lol, magazine full of bachelors, love it! I changed my OkC to another city a while ago, perhaps I should do it with match too!

      I agree, online dating has made dating a lot more difficult! People totally think they have an unlimited amount of options and try to "do better" and find perfection. Perfection doesn't exist, so....

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  7. Dating is hard everywhere.

    /\ Yes, this. The best way to approach dating (and most things in life, for that matter) is with a positive attitude. If you continue to live in the mindset that SF sucks for dating, it will continue to suck.

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    1. Hi Asha, wish this was true! I spent a solid five years thinking SF would be awesome for dating because 1) most people are really smart or well educated - sometimes those two don't line up and 2) there are so many more men than women. I still hope someone awesome will turn up, but need to figure out when to write it off as a lost cause

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  8. I'm also into dating nowadays especially online dating, and it went well, oh well just for fun, but I;m hoping I can turn it into more deep relationship.

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  9. I rejoined eHarmony after receiving this email on Match...the guy is 35 from Walnut Creek with a kid.

    "Thanks for favoriting me! In an effort to maintain my strict honesty at all times policy, I have to say that as it stands I don't think you and I would be a solid match romantically and if we hung out it probably wouldn't go anywhere further than my somehow duping you into having sex with me on our first date despite your constant reassurances that you don't normally do that sort of thing. After this aforementioned first date sex I will make no promises to call you and, given our gender roles, you probably won't call me. Which, for me, won't be a huge problem, but I could see how that might not be something you'd necessarily be amped about. Having shared my proclivities on the subject of casual pre-marital coitus I could see how you might be put off, but try to consider my honesty on the matter and give me the appropriately allotted props for said candor.

    Should you reply I will assume your email is a small green light indicating your discrete, unstated willingness to partake in the above described date and it would be an understatement to say I would be impressed."

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    1. Re: Tourettes story

      What an ass!!! =-O Saying he was only interested in casual sex would have been less offensive than that load of "honesty." Gawd. This is one reason why I am so hesistant to get back into online dating.

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    2. It was a spam email he sends out to every girl hoping to get a bite. I responded back "Thanks for your email. After reviewing your profile, I agree we aren't a match. Take care and good luck in your search." I always respond back, even it's to say "no thanks." I figured I'd never hear from him again....

      He wrote back "You just helped me win a bet! Steak tonight for Jeff!" Awesome. I reported him, twice - after each email. I have found eHarmony guys to be a bit more genuine but it's all a toss up!

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    3. Tourettes, wow, very nice of you to respond to everyone. How's eHarmony going? I've gone out with a couple of eHarmony guys, nothing too interesting yet. Hope it's going better for you!

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    4. I hope responding to each email will give me some good dating karma. I hate not getting a response back, good or bad, when I send an email (Match) or questions (eHarmony). As for eHarmony, I have a date with a 26 year old on Thursday...I'm 31. He is really cute and seems to have his sh*t together so I'm a bit excited. I was told by a friend to give younger guys a chance. I usually write them off since every time I'm asked out by them a bar, I lose interest quickly. Either they're too sensitive (can't take a joke or make one without being cruel) or just seem disinterested (like they're too good for me). I ain't got time for that. I just want someone that laughs, makes me laugh, and is genuine.

      After reading about your dilemma about where to move to find better men to date, I decided to change my match profile to NYC. I visit a friend there quite often so it wouldn't be that hard to meet up with a few guys. I received 4 emails within the first 2 hours. I never get emails on Match from guys in SF....unless they're over 40 and don't live in the city. Or like the one I posted here. We'll see what happens. The guys are way cuter in NYC than SF but not sure how they are to date or respond. Will keep you posted!

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    5. Good luck on your date, Tourettes! Hope it goes wonderfully!

      Yes, please do keep us posted on your NY Match experiment, I can't wait to hear what happens! :)

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