10 first date faux pas according to SFGate and what I usually encounter:
1. Too much information (wow, he just told me about his travel stomach issues)
2. Eating off my plate (wtf)
4. Talking about the ex (this almost always happens)
5. Uncomplimentary remarks (this even happens when I'm not on a date)
7. The me show (always)
8. Last minute scheduling (happens way too much, pretty infuriating)
9. Expecting to get some (happened twice, not even in NY, this was in SF)
10. Ignoring signals (I've packed up all my stuff, looked at my watch 20 times, and he ordered another drink)
#3 is splitting the check. No, I do not split checks, feels too businesslike and I believe in chivalry. If a guy has a problem with this, he's not the guy for me, and no, we will never see each other again. It's the principal and the act of providing (doesn't matter if the cost is $2 or $200). It's the engineers who seem to have a problem with this...and one lawyer.
So let's say the check comes and he asks you to split it. Do you flat out say no? Or grudgingly accept but write him off?
ReplyDeleteI'd look confused because I'd be confused, lol. I'd say something like, "Hmm, this has never happen before." (98% of the time, this is true.) If he was a tool, I'd say no. If he was a nice guy, I'd probably split it. Either way, he'd be written off
Delete#3 from SFGate is "Not offering to split the check". Doesn't mean that you actually split the check, but just the act of genuine offering could be interpreted as a lack of entitlement, consideration of others, good manners, independence, or desired dynamic in the relationship. If you're into that type of thing, could be a deal breaker from the other side - especially if backed up by other signs.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you are saying and it's totally fine if me not offering is a deal breaker for the guy. This could be a cultural thing too (I'm Asian). I know if I offered and he accepted, I'd be pretty peeved. I've offered when I was younger and more often than not, the guys were insulted
Delete95% of guys will wave you away, but the majority of them really appreciate the offer. I've had guys say they wouldn't ask a girl out again if she didn't even offer.
DeleteI'm not Amrecian, so where i live the fact that a man should pay is not the "rule". But can you just say "no" if someone asks to split. How does that work ? He says, we split and you say "No" what happens then ? He is forced to pay or... ?
ReplyDeleteFrom personal experience, I never paid on first date (unless for myself). We' ve always split the check. Unless it was for drinks, then I might have paid, just like with the guys. And never had an issue with the girl. Not even when it was an american girl. And yes i would definlty think it is a dealbreaker if she expected me to pay on a date unless I explicitly said I was gonna pay (I will take you out to dinner, Let me pay you lunch,...).
I say something like, "Hmm, this has never happened before." One guy went on an on about how he always splits, even with serious girlfriends. He then said, he'd pay, just this once. I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again. He emailed me two hours after the date to say he had a lot of fun and wanted to go out again. I said no.
DeleteWhat country are you from?
I'm from the country with the best beers, best chocolade, best wine (not yet, but give it 15 years of global warming) and according to a shop keeper in thailand, the best mirror glass in the whole world.
ReplyDeleteSadly enough it's also the country with one of the highest tax rates, holder of the world record of the longest period of time without a government (beating Iraq!) and the worst curling team.
back on topic. on business "dates" usually one party pays all. Either it's my boss, it's me or it's the company. On "dates" with my friends, we split. Why would a first date be any different ? You meet someone, check if there is something there and if not, no harm done. She doesn't expect me to pay, I don't expect her to put out. With drinks it's somehting different. I will pay the first round and hoepfully she pays the second. If she thinks for some reason that she doesn't have to, I loose respect and will pay for the second. Or the third if at least she is fun company. But respect is gone. I don't think she is a hooker who has to be paid for her time.
Hi Jurgen, to each his own and once again, I think this is a culture thing. In the United States, some countries in Europe, and most of Asia, it is "normal" for the guy to pay on the first and rest of the dates. It signals the guy can "provide." Friends have heard the only girls who pay are fat or ugly (blunt, I know). If a girl is good looking, smart, desirable, etc, she's got many options, so if you aren't going to at least treat, why should she go out with you instead of all her other suitors who are opening their wallets and trying to impress her? Splitting the check is the worst, it feels very unromantic and unchivalrous.
DeleteIdd to each his own. In my experience only men who have nothing or not much to offer try to impress by showing that they can provide. Men who are good looking, intelligent and witty have a lot of options. Ask yourself this: you're on a date with someone with who you feel no chemistry with and he pays for the meal, does it change anything ? Do you suddenly feel something? And the other way around; you feel chemistry, you want to get to know him more and you know he can provide, but he akss to split the check. Does this change your feeling suddenly ? I'll be very blunt: I feel that some girls will think: "Hey at least the evening is not wasted, I got a free meal" Just like I sometimes thought: "Hey the evening is not wasted, I got laid". But nothing more will follow. The fact that the man paid or the gril put out was just a bonus. It did not change the outcome. I follow the man version of "The Rules". Start paying when you know she is worth it :)
ReplyDeleteThe no chemistry guy paying, nothing happens. The guy with chemistry asking me to split? Yes, I do become much less interested, mentally label him as "cheap," and will not go out with him again. It is such a turn off for me
DeleteThere is a silver lining here. Next time a girl wants to go home alone after a date I will use your line. Looking confused and saying "hmm this has never happened to me before". The reaction should be golden :)
ReplyDelete