Well, that's also new. One of my Coffee Meets Bagel guys has been trying to call me for a while and finally got me on the phone today. He sounded annoyed. Well, sorry guy, don't call me at 11 pm and expect me to answer, especially if we've never met before. 11 pm is late. Think he also called me at 8 pm on a Friday night (another WTF are you thinking day/time). He left me a vmail in his first call and I didn't like his voice, but was willing to do an in person meeting to give him a shot.
So, I spoke with him on the phone for three minutes just now. I made it clear that I had to keep it short because I am on my way out of the apartment. He made it a bit awkward by saying something along the lines of how these calls are always awkward, uh, sure...don't know how I was supposed to respond to that. ALL of his questions were news reporter style. For example, what did you do this weekend, where did you go, what restaurant did you go to, who were you with, blah blah. I don't like being grilled. If this is how it is and we haven't even met... Apparently, he didn't like my answers (or my voice or who cares) and said we wouldn't be a good match. That's never happened before, but fine with me.
I know I've said this before, maybe I should have more phone chats before meeting in person. That might not work though because I am trying to find more reasons to give a guy a chance, not rule him out based on whatever I glean from a three minute conversation. I wish this guy the best of luck, I think he believes the "perfect girl" exists. I read in some article that guys in their 40s are supposed to be less picky, lol. Will find that article for you.
I'm certainly not less picky. But I'm stubborn and refuse to settle just because I'm now 40.
ReplyDeleteHey J, you seem reasonable, so, I'm guessing you are "picky," but it's basic stuff like: must be able to hold a conversation, has a job, cute to me, has her life together, etc.
DeleteWhen I see a guy who says stuff like, "must be a size 0 or 2, maybe a 4 if your face is a 10, shoe size 7 1/2, height 5'8" max, IQ 140+, MENSA preferred, can cook a 5 star meal, SCUBA certified, at least 10 passport stamps" I think, "Wow, he's got a long road ahead of him and he'll probably be single forever."
Oh yeah, those guys are nuts. But I've run into women like that as well and it seems that the older they get the more picky they are.
DeleteMe? I just want to be attracted to someone. But I know that not being attracted to a girl doesn't mean they're unattractive. It's hard to remember that though when you get turned down yourself.
I do wish there was a better way to meet people though without it being such a "bang bang let's figure this out right now" kind of thing. Attraction can grow over time the more you get to know someone. It's finding a reason to stick around with that person to reach that point that's hard.
Women do that as they get older? Maybe it's a "successful woman" issue, meaning, she's got a house, 5 mil in the bank, job that pays her well, blah blah blah and she wants a guy who is just as successful.
DeleteI think I need to go much older, like go out with guys who are at least 45 years old because at least they know how to behave (at least the ones I've met know how to hold a conversation, behave chivalrously, banter, et al)
Haha, I can guarantee that no "older" woman with 5 mil in the bank is going to talk to me. They'd be be able to smell my sub-six figure income a mile away.
DeleteBut, there are two camps of older women. The ones who are like me and were in a relationship and had it end leaving them single in their late 30's. They are more relatable to me.
Then you have the ones who've been single for most of their 30's because they were either focusing on on their careers or have a high expectation for what they want in a man. Those women never seemed impressed with me. I get the sense that they want a Ken doll. Where as I'm a nice guy and all, but I've got....personality. :D
I don't see the problem. A cold call is always awkward and asking you questions along the lines of small talk is NOT grilling, it's making conversation. Would you prefer that you both sit there in silence?
ReplyDeleteI agree that calling at 11pm on a weeknight or 8pm on a Fri are annoying, but he probably keeps slightly different hours than you and didn't realize it.
You've said you like when guys call rather than text, but now you're complaining about a call?
Sure, it was nice that he called. His questions were intrusive. Perhaps he didn't think they were, but I don't know how asking a total stranger to account for every minute of a 24 hour day wouldn't be intrusive. And the "Who were you with?" questions?
DeleteIf you are interested in this guy, I'm happy to send you his number (providing I still have it)
No thanks, I'm seeing someone. Met him online.
DeleteThat's great! What site did you use?
DeleteCalling at those hours and asking who you were with were definitely no-no's. I'm sure if you continued talking with him, you'd find he was clueless about many other common sense dating things - it's for the best that you won't have to deal with him anymore!
ReplyDelete"When I see a guy who says stuff like, "must be a size 0 or 2, maybe a 4 if your face is a 10, shoe size 7 1/2, height 5'8" max, IQ 140+, MENSA preferred, can cook a 5 star meal, SCUBA certified, at least 10 passport stamps" I think, "Wow, he's got a long road ahead of him and he'll probably be single forever.""
ReplyDeleteHa! Do you realize this is EXACTLY how you come across re: your laundry list of what you're looking for in guys?
Hmm, pretty sure I'm not asking for things that I don't already have. For example, a nice education (yes, I have this), nice to people he likes (yes, I do this), make at least as much as I do, etc.
DeleteIf these guys with laundry lists could back it up themselves, fine
Fair enough. But food for thought, and I know others have mentioned the same thing: Some of my best relationships have been with men who did NOT have the same educational background or make the same money as me. I agree that you don't want to be with a guy who will end up becoming a financial leech, but maybe you should consider guys who are HAPPY in their career yet may not make as much money as you. Then again, if you prefer to do lots of things that cost money, dating a guy who makes decent money would probably be necessary. I'm used to dating people who don't make a lot of money, so we end up doing lots of creative/interesting and different things.
DeleteI think anyone who has a laundry list of stuff they "must have" is a fool. Ever read "The Four Man Plan"? It was pretty eye-opening for me, even though most of what she wrote is common-sense stuff when you think about it.
You are right, TJ, I've heard the date someone pretty different thing before. I think for short term dating, it would be interesting, but wouldn't work for long term ("just too different"). With the money thing, I know ladies who make more than their guy and have heard how it's not so good. For example, one doctor I know dates a teacher and he's always saying stuff like, "Well, sorry I can't take you anywhere nice since I don't make as much as you." There's some resentment...
DeleteI do have a must have list and I think you'd agree with some of it...must be able to hold a conversation, have basic morals/standards (no killing, no cheating), must be respectful of others, etc.
Hmm, nope, never read it
Well I don't know about you, but I LOVE to date killers and cheaters! Ha, joking. That makes sense. It's when you have items on the list like "Must be X feet X inches tall, must have dark hair, must make $XXX, etc" that you start potentially missing out. According to the Four Man Plan, the three most important traits a guy should have are: Loving, Willing, and Honest. And she posits that the guy you end up with will most likely have at least one of your "deal breaker" traits.
ReplyDeleteMy ex (husband) made less than me. It was never an issue, because the gap wasn't huge, but we also kept our finances separate. It worked, but our relationship didn't for so many other reasons.
As for the teacher/doctor couple, that's a lame cop-out! Anyone can afford to take a loved one out somewhere nice once in a while. It's called budgeting. If she never gets to do anything she'd like to do because of lack of money, then yeah, maybe it's not a good fit. At the same time, there's nothing stopping her from taking him out or even finding ways they can spend quality time together on the cheap. It depends on your priorities I guess.
RE: "...guy you end up with will most likely have at least one of your "deal breaker" traits." Very interesting! Wow, hope he's not addicted to drugs/alcohol, lol.
DeleteSorry you guys didn't work out, I bet you learned a lot though.
She always takes him on really nice vacations and he sulks the whole time because she paid for it
OMG, this guy sounds like my ex! My family ALWAYS took him on great vacations (and paid for them), and was he grateful? No! He resented my parents for having money because his parents didn't! If he sulks when she takes him on nice vacations, there's an issue there.
DeleteTo clarify my other statement, I don't mean you'll end up with someone who has one of the CRAZY deal-breaker traits. Just one of the more superficial ones. Like maybe you'll end up with a blond guy!
The last guy I dated is someone I NEVER would have considered when I moved here. And then I got to know him and totally fell for him. And then he trampled on my heart. Hmm. What were you saying about guys in SF? ;)
Sorry about your ex! I used to think socioeconomic class did not matter, however, as I've gotten older, I think it's huge (because we are all used to a certain way of life). For example, I could never live in a trailer park, not saying there's anything wrong with people who live in trailer parks, but I know I can't do it. From being married to the ex and what you've seen with friends, family, etc. would you say socioeconomic class matters?
DeleteLol, I got it, no serial killers, but he might be blond.
Aww, stinks about the SF guy. Out of curiosity, how did you two meet?
Socioeconomic class definitely can matter if you let it. I think it depends on the people involved and how accepting they are. I know a couple who ended up breaking up because she was a "Trustafarian," and he truly had worked hard to be where he was, but he still didn't have the disposable income she had. And she would spoil him with trips and stuff. He'd mentioned to me that it became an issue, because she started getting paranoid that he was using her for her money. Then again, she turned out to be a total psycho, so...
DeleteThere's no problem with having standards. I probably wouldn't want to live in a trailer park, either! (But ya never know, haha.)
As for the most recent ex, we met through my brother. We would have met eventually regardless, because we're both part of the same cycling community. And our community happens to be very large and incestuous.
I remember dating this one guy, he was poor growing up, and really rich now. All he did was brag about how much he made (to everyone). And, he still had a major chip on his shoulder about how people used to treat him like crap because he was poor (I suspect it had nothing to do with his lack of money, but more to do with his lack of personality).
DeleteI feel like SF is small and you run into people a lot here. Was it like that in Boston? How long have you been in SF?
Sounds like this guy still felt he need to prove himself and that money was and still is a big deal to him. I wonder where he lived growing up? Makes me think of the movie Pretty in Pink. High school in the Chicago burbs was NOT that bad, but there was definitely the "wrong side of the tracks" there.
ReplyDeleteSF does feel really small - it's weird. But I guess compared to cities like Chicago and NYC, it is pretty small, both population and geography. Boston didn't feel that small to me, but I also didn't have such a large group of friends and didn't really go out a lot there. I was all coupled up and wasting my '20s being lame. Haha. Based on what I know of you from this blog, I think you'd burn through Boston pretty quick. And you wouldn't like the guys...or the weather.
Been here in SF about 2.5 years. Maybe not long enough to be totally jaded on the dating scene, but I get the frustration. Seems like good guys are few and far-between, but I know and have found a handful. Of course I wasn't into them! (The latest is this super sweet guy, French-Canadian, who has a great job, is smart, would/did treat me well, etc. Just no chemistry. I tried!)
That guy was from SoCal...feel like east coast guys are more confident or know how to fake it better, lol.
DeleteYup, SF is super small and kinda cliqueish. I guess that's true of big cities too because most people hang out with school friends, coworkers, etc.
That's good that you aren't jaded! Yup, agree with you on the good guy thing...