I've been giving this a lot of thought. I firmly believe if you like someone, all their "issues" are acceptable. If you don't like someone, all their "issues" are major flaws and reasons to break up.
So, when I find myself getting irritated at absolutely everything (I mean everything, he texts too much, he doesn't text enough, he's needy, he's too distant, he's too busy, he's not busy enough, et al), it means I don't like him enough to stick around. And when I ignore major things that would normally be problematic, I like him.
This might seem pretty obvious to many of you, but really use it to save time, energy, et al. When I hear a friend talking about how she doesn't like the way he holds a drink, I know it's time for her to move on, but she always stays with him for a few more months. Why? She knew months ago she didn't like him enough.
I completely agree with you. In fact, I was just talking about this last night and how getting a multitude of texts from someone you like is endearing but then if it's someone you're not really into, it's just annoying.
ReplyDeleteThere are some habits/things that are annoying in general, especially once the honeymoon phase is over, but I do agree that nitpicking things like what you mentioned right off the bat is an indicator that you're just not that into him. I also believe that it's easy to overlook things you KNOW would annoy you or be dealbreakers when you're focused on the wrong things (e.g., being with someone rather than being with the right someone). I've done that before, and it's something to be mindful of.
I'm going to start subscribing to the FUCK YES or NO mentality (http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes).
Hey TJ, yeah, we know so much about what we think about someone based on our reactions to what they do or what they are. I'm going to reread the Mark Manson blurb!
DeleteI respectfully disagree with your point, AG. I know a girl at work who had been with the guy for 2 years - she loved him and wanted to get married, have kids, etc. with him. She had a myriad of complaints about him - that he's a slob, doesn't clean up after him-self, he's immature - and she had supported these complain with the valid examples. I kept asking her - why are you with him? He's driving you nuts with his habits! her answer was - because I love him. When he dumped her (was tired of arguing all the time, and generally, wanted to go back to a single life - he was 5 years her junior) she was completely devastated.. You see? She saw all his flows and they annoyed her to no end but she still loved him, in spite of them. Go figure..
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! I guess the question this raises is can love overcome the complaints? If they did get married, would she have been happy in the long run? Maybe she was in love with the idea of him more than him? If she had listened to all her grievances and walked away earlier on, would she have been better off?
DeleteI feel like if she had these complaints in the beginning, they would have grown over time to be dealbreakers? Maybe they would have annoyed her more and more as the years went by
Do you know if she chased him or he chased her?
They were friends at first, met at work. Chatted at smock breaks. Then he asked her out. They fell in love pretty quickly and moved back together after a few months of romance. She said she felt during their "honeymoon" phase, they both put their best foot forward: he wasn't such a slob and she was more willing to overlook all those little things that annoyed her. It's like they lived in a bubble of happiness. After they broke up, she's still beating her self up that she wasn't more "flexible" and less "perfectionistic"... I personally think their relationship wouldn't have survived in a long run because they were too different after all and wanted different things: 1) he wanted to have a girlfriend, have fun, and still be able to go stag with his friends if he wanted, not to be "nagged" by her for not cleaning up. 2) she wanted more commitment, not going stag, for him to be more considerate and more mature. So in the end, to me, it wasn't a really a matter of overlooking all those annoying things about him, but rather their general incompatibility. She doesn't see it that way. She thinks they could make it. BTW, he's selfish enough not to "let her go" completely - he's still asking her to go to movies "as friends" and says he hasn't stopped loving her and "doesn't know what he wants" . So far, he hasn't asked her back though.
DeleteHow old is she? I feel like when she was seeing what a slob he was and all those other annoying things, her interest was starting to fade? And, now she is beating herself up because she remembers the good more than the bad?
DeleteHave you read The Rules? I believe it's a good way to build self confidence and expectations as to how a girl should be treated. The Rules would say, good that he chased her. Bad that they moved in together. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Familiarity breeds contempt. I do believe if you see someone everyday, it kills a relationship faster than if you only see them a few times a week.
This guy is not nice. I don't like that he's putting her on the back burner and giving her false hope. The Rules would say no contact unless he asks her out for a real date to work it out or proposes
That's what I told her :) Break free or you'll never move on!
DeleteTo you other point, she's in her mid-thirties. Her interest hasn't really started to fade in spite of his behavior - interestingly, his did... She's a very sharp, smart woman, high self-esteem. But you're right - she's now remembering all the good stuff. She's also afraid she won't fall in love again - and that she won't be loved... I have a personal example, too. I'm my mid-thirties, now happily married, kids. I was married before, very young :) Some of my husband's habits drove me nuts, so annoying! Yet, my love hasn't faded. He left me in the end for another woman :) As one of the reason he stopped being attracted to me was because he was willing to close his eyes on things that annoyed him, but I was always vocal about them :) This is true though - men tend not to sweat the "small stuff" like dirty dishes, but women nag, nag, nag... I still nag :) But my second husband doesn't care :)
Remembering the good stuff is a dangerous path. Without knowing all the details, I wonder if he lost respect for her because she stuck around even though he was and still is stringing her along. She can do better
DeleteSorry about your first husband. Congrats on your second husband! Everyone has annoying habits and it's all about the pros outweighing the cons. However, I must say, if there are a lot of cons early on...
Anonymous, I feel like you're talking about me now. Haha. Yikes. And I agree. It was only when I cut him off completely that I was able to start moving on with my life.
DeleteOf course! Yes, my co-worker's story is not unique. I don't want to offer my opinion too much, but I think she's really hurting her chances of finding happiness with someone else by staying "friends" with him. He gets everything he wants: his single life back and having her as a friend, for company when he's bored, without all this nagging (without sex also, but who knows whether he's not getting it somewhere else? After all, he's single... ) And her: just a heartache because she still loves him and longs for him...
DeleteYup. Been there. And that's part of the reason I cut him off. Because besides not being able to move on, I was resentful that he got what he wanted from me (companionship) without the relationship stuff. It hurts to not have him in my life anymore, because he was a good friend at one point. But really, who needs that?
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